Superior Advice Courtesy of Gothicus Maximus
 

After reviewing not only my contributions to g.net over the nine months that have passed since my first post to this site, but additionally every piece of wisdom I have offered to another human being in the entire course of my life, I have come to the conclusion that, of all those who count themselves as members of this online community, I am he who possesses the greatest breadth of worldly knowledge, he who is most skilled in penetrating the nebulous workings of the human mind, and therefore he who is most able to dispense useful advice to those who require it. In essence, I've "sat down and realized" that, as the superior human being that I am, I am obligated to provide my services as a counselor to those less naturally exceptional than I, and thereby better mankind as a whole. So, feel free to post your grievances in this thread, and I will offer a thorough assessment of and faultlessly effective solution to the problem at hand. Should you feel the issue is too sensitive to be posted publicly, feel free to send me a PM, and I'll post your message for you in order to ensure your anonymity.

FAQ

Q: Are you sure this isn't just a new way for you to gloat about how sexy and awesome you think you are, with Ophelia cheering you right on?

A: Of course not. G.net has given me so much (grief, high blood sugar, general disillusionment), this is just my way of giving back.


Q: Why would I post here to get your specific view on an issue, when I could just as easily create my own topic and receive the input of the entire forum?

A: Simple. Posting here officially obligates me to address your problem, whereas, were it contained within general whining post, I might deem it stupid and unworthy of my valuable time. Furthermore, posing a question to my official advice thread guarantees that, even if I don't like you, I will, in exchange for your indulgence of my ego, make an effort to be at least marginally helpful rather than feeding our mutual enmity with astoundingly clever yet impertinent witticisms. Finally, this thread, as it grows, will come serve as a compilation of all my wisdom in regard to various issues, and those who seek to study my ways will no longer need to scour the boards for clues as to how they might be more like me.

Reviews

The critics are already raving about me and my thoughts:

Why are you so much better than me? :(

Dear JCC,

This question could be read in two ways, as "On what grounds do you make the assertion that you are so much better than me" or "What factors have contributed to your becoming a such a superior man?"
If you mean to ask the former, the answer is simple to grasp- anything positive that has ever been said about you has also been said about me, more emphatically and by more people. If there is any discipline in which your skill surpasses mine, that discipline is largely esoteric, most probably meaningless, and the time you spent developing a proficiency in it is represents an utter waste thereof.
The latter question is infinitely more complex, and its answer is dependent on the cosmology to which you subscribe. If you are theist, you must conclude that God, for a reason likely incomprehensible to man, made me your superior by nature. If you are not so inclined, your Darwinian education must lead you to resolve that I am the product of exceedingly good pedigree. Whatever your thoughts, don't lose heart. In both schemae, Man is endowed with the capacity to improve himself, and thus you, through diligence and drive, can one day become as almost as great as I am.

Maximally yours,
Gothicus Maximus

When will I meet my girl of my dreams? Try that one smart ass.

If I were to somehow ascertain a time machine and make myself come from the same gene pool that made you infinitely fantastic, could I possibly be your right-hand man, as your Igor-esque figure, but basking even more in the splendiforous glory of my superior master?

Who are you talking to? Me or gothicus?

Gothicus The Magnificent.

Meh. What I figured. So where's my "superior" advice??

I think you just met her, baby.

No. Don't ever call me baby ever again.

Babe? Darling? Snuggle-munchkin? :(

Is there anything in the world that is infinite?

No JCC. No. Well, it seems my question continues to be unanswered, I am disapointed.

Dear Stormtrooper,

Hold your goddamn horses, some of us here have lives. Anyway, as for your question, not even I can divine the future. I can, however, make a forecast based on common experience and declare that, as you're presently in high school, you'll most likely be blown away by the comparatively incredible number of hot bitties with which you'll be confronted upon your graduation to an institute of higher learning. While it's theoretically possible that you could decide to pursue a degree at "Ugly Boring Girls U" and therefore fail to meet any female specimens on par with those you know now, the odds are that, among the hordes of often drunk and perpetually horny collegiates, mature enough to not totally lose their shit at the drop of a hat but naive enough to not yet know what they really want in a man, you'll find your ideal mate, or at least the closest approximation of her who will ever grace your life. Just make sure you hone your macking skills in the small pond of today before you wade into the vast ocean of tomorrow!

Godspeed,

Gothicus Maximus

Dear JCC,

Hmm, my superior mind detects a paradox in this scenario. If you return to the past and make yourself my right-hand man, you as you are now will cease to exist, and therefore never be able to effect the genetic improvement to begin with. However, if we allow for the existence of multiple universes, it could be worth a shot.

Love,
Gothicus Maximus

Dear Paigeybobert,

This isn't really a request for advice so much as the advancement of a philosophical query, but, as I'm a generous sort, I'll attempt to address your question regardless.
Is there anything in that is truly infinite? Einstein said "The universe and human stupidity", qualifying this with the proclamation that he wasn't sure about the universe. I'd like to add my genius to this reputable list.

Signed,

Gothicus Maximus

Thanks. I'm going to technical college by the way. But do not fear, I shall find my punkette/deathrock woman someday.

Sigged for lulziness.

The answer is never. Happy?

Ouch. Thanks Ophelia. Thanks a lot.

Finding the girl of your dreams would be boring. So formulaic.

Why would that even bother you?
How the fuck would I know when/if you're finding a girl? ONLY you can decide when that happens. Not only that, but didn't you give up on finding girls in favor of trying to make music?

Plus, why at 18 do you want to meet "the girl of your dreams"? Seems like such a waste of youth to settle down so early. Plus, people who go out looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend, that always irks me. As if they think that you can rush love. Pointless.

Which shows me just how much love you've experienced.

Why do that? Because it's nice to have someone to love.

*Plays Queen-Find me somebody to love in the background for Stormtrooper*

My question you never answered: Why the fuck not Chairman Mao over Stalin?

I did give it up, but only for a short while, I still focus on my music. Why does it bother me? Bacause I'm tired of being the guy that always gets left out of things. All the time. I give and give but I get nothing. I'm not going to settle down anytime JCC. Listen, I'm closing this topic, once and for all.

edit:

Thanks Corpsey!!! You rock!! :)

Dear Corpsey,

Let me tell you a story about the man called Joseph Stalin. During the Russian campaign against the Nazis in World War II, Stalin's son, who he'd allowed to be enlisted in the military, was taken as a prisoner of war. The Germans offered to release the young man in exchange for a few of their own generals, to which proposition the party chairman replied plainly: "What son?" Having no success on that front, the Nazis turned their attention to the interrogation of their captive himself. "You'd do well to cooperate," they urged him, "There's no hope in trying to be a hero. We'll soon take Moscow." At this Stalin's son threw back his head and laughed hysterically. "You're never going to take Moscow. My father has rigged every single building in that city with explosives!"
The man was a badass.

Yours,
Gothicus Maximus