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Sunny autumn days.
I have a lot of Nothingness to offer Since I know only the person You thought me I’m supposed to Be While teaching me to despise This stubbornness of mine, The only strength In me. I do believe, however, In sunny autumn days And blooming fields. And I know still That Even I Can stand naked in the rain And enjoy the silence, If I only had the courage. And I know still That if I were smart enough I could travel to that Blooming field In the sunny autumn day And know, This is who I am Feedback or any thoughts about this will be appreciated. |
I like it. What exactly is it about?
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I hoped that I made it clear enough.
Its about changes and hope. |
Mmm. :]
Autumn is just good. :] |
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I like the concept alot, though I think the first stanza is wierd. It seems so disconnected with the rest of the poem. Similarly, the formatting makes it look like you're going to have a specific verse for the poem, but then in stanza's 2 and 3 the poem reveals itself to be free-form. I would delete the last line in stanza 2 as it seems to undercut the entire feeling of the rest of the stanza, and maybe change "That if I were smart enough" to "that if I had the courage" because it seems to me that the narrator is smart enough to travel those fields and does understand how important they are. Your third stanza is by far the strongest, and I really like the ending. Kudos. |
The first is the original one. I felt like I needed to write some solution to that situation, and the second and third stanzas are the solution.
I have another idea for the first stanza. Maybe it will be better. I still want the problem-solution form. though. It can sound better with "If I only had the courage". I will work on this. Thank you :) |
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