The Street
 

Disclaimer: I hate it.

I'm not sure if the theme is at all clear or remotely well conveyed, but I don't care all too much.

--
The Street

An early autumn rain has shined the pavement,
And now the street covets every light that
Bushes up against it,
pressing each sliver of saffron
or stark white iridescence
against its lean, dark body with gnarled hands.
It wants to keep warm for the night.

On the corner of a cobblestone it snags the jaundice glow
That radiates from a one-room pad high above the heads of everyone,
Where a boy who tells girls they’re beautiful just to let them know
Looks upon a man who tells girls they’re ugly just to force apart their legs.
The street holds the shadows of the younger fingers, fat like caterpillars,
And the older ones, thin like the ends of leafless branches.

The boy studies the man with eyes
Like gravel at the bottom of the fishbowl,
speaking to him in a voice like the wind in hollow reeds,
and the man answers with a voice like the wind over sheer cliffs,
as, with eyes like gravel at the foot of a volcano, he stares out at the street.

The last stanza doesn't really gain much from the repeated gravel imagery, and the last two lines of the last stanza come out a bit awkward, but other than that it's a beautiful poem. The second stanza is a bit deeper, but the first had excellent imagery. I loved the personification of the street, the image of the street "wanting to keep warm for the night."

I'm impressed.

Minor change: 'in a voice' in the last stanza instead of 'with a voice'.

Comment on this shit, people. If you're going to act all eager to rip on Antichrist's 'homage' to Pantera, but ignore my provocative, challenging poetic masterworks, how can I believe you when you claim you want to see quality compositions?

I hate it because it's fine, not godly.

Okay, your imagery is excellent. Nice use of anthropomorphism in your reference to the street. It flows nicely. It gets a bit choppy in the last stanza. Consider replacing the second 'gravel' with 'magma', then you would not need 'at the foot of a volcano' as that would be redundant. I like the almost allegorical 'feel' of it. You're right. It isn't 'godly', but it is very good.

I thought the first stanza was overwritten. The rest was intriguing - I wouldn't say the theme was clear (I read it three times and didn't get it), but the iamges were excellent, particularly in the last stanza. What's it about? Just anthropomorphizing the street into images of cruelty and benevolence, or is there something more going on?

I must say that this is one of the most symbolic and original poems I have seen posted. Only Aaroneet's poems in the Reincarnation of the Poetry Thread exceed this composition.

Did you get the idea from a combination of Gnet and your observations of college life? I like the way you use the presence of both the innocent (naive?) and cynical (old) characters to contrast the different perspectives of The Street.

Well done.

Let me wait and see if anyone else wants to say anything before I ruin the poem with an explanation.

I, like everyone else on the board, like your vocabulary and unique ways of using that vocabulary, although the first stanza was a tad overwritten. I would suggest that you try rewriting the last stanza to help portray the meaning. It was impressive.

Overall I think the writing is excellent. Are you planning on expanding it? I think a further sanza might make the third less awkward, feels like something is missing.

Great job as always Gothicus.

__________________________________________
"I died a long time ago."

I think the first paragraph was a bit overwritten and the last stanza was just okay, but I loved the middle.

What's with all you people saying I'm overwriting?
Guess what- your moms are all OVER at my house and I'm WRITING on their faces in cum.

You wouldn't want to do that with my mother, trust me. She hasn't aged well.

I stand corrected. Went back and reread it. Leave the last stanza just as it is. The reference to the eyes (being the 'window to the soul', so to speak) has to do with the state of the juxtaposed psyches of the 'protagonist' vs the 'antagonist' -- one being broken albeit 'clean', and the other being broken and 'unclean', or have I totally missed the mark?

Not totally.

I would've commented on this sooner, but since you prefaced it by saying that you "Hate it" I figured it wasn't worth my time. If you're going to post work that you don't stand behind, there's no point in criticizing it.

This is one of the best Poems I've seen here. The first and second stanzas are very good. I'm not sure if I like the last line in the first stanza though. I'll have to wait and see if it grows on me.

The biggest problem is that it all falls apart in your last stanza. You've got a very solid set up, but you just sort of piddles off in stanza three. You sort of retreat into half-clich'e and basically just restate the differences between the man and the boy.

I might scrap the last stanza and try again. A poem this good deserves a strong finish or it'll just disappoint the reader.

So what's this thing about? I can probably be more helpful if I know what you're trying to say.

What I got from this is that the innocence represented by the boy is fragile at best and fake at worst, while the old man's cynical cruelty is ancient and immense, spanning volcanoes and mountains. These forces are the basis of what we call civilisation, epitomised by the man-made street, and underly all its workings.

Then again, I'm stoned.

I really like the ways in which different people are interpreting this. I feel like I'm being covered in english class, which feeds wonderfully into my egotism.

Then act like a god, and tell us who's right!

If you wish to know, you must first embark on a quest. Go forth and find JCC. Use your feminine wiles to soften him, and bring him to this thread.
Make haste.

The message I'm seeing from it is the Street is a stretch of time, from young boy to manhood. The poem shows the actions of one person, both in the view as a young boy and as an older man. The young boy is an innocent, using innocent actions and seeing the world through young eyes, while the man is cynical and aged, recalling his youth but sweeping it away.

Or maybe I'm just crazybabbling. Blargh.

'sup?

aslkfne

Read the damn poem.