In which Obama wants to be my "special uncle".
 

Last night, I was eating dinner with President Obama and his wonderful family in one of the family rooms of the White House. Dinner was good and interaction at the time was lacking but friendly. I'm known to be a shy person and a person of little words.

After dinner, Obama and his family retire to sitting on the couch with me as we made merry over several glasses of wonderful merlot. The flavor was bold and the texture was dry, the way I like it.

A few drinks go by and we're all laughing and I wanted to start discussing Obama's policies on foreign affairs and what he thought we should do with Iran and North Korea. He was a charming and slick talker and I enjoyed more his talking of his wonderful wife and lovely children, all the while he dodged what I wanted to talk about with grace. Family is more important and the world can wait, I suppose. Until he became VERY friendly.

He stretches over and like a loving father to his young son, he wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. This struck me as slightly odd and I shifted my weight on the couch in order to maintain a personal space. Despite my efforts, he strengthened his loving embrace and proceeded to fondle my pecks and my inner costal muscles along my side.

He looks over to me with that big, proud, presidential smile and says to me, his grip on my man tit clenching firmer, "Josh, I would love nothing more than to be your SPECIAL uncle!" He began to pat me tenderly on the inner thigh.

MY PRESIDENT IS TOUCHING ME, my mind reeled as my eyes finally bloomed open to the morning Kentucky sun radiating through the blinds.

Loss of black points not withstanding, I'm not sure whether to drawl out an bemused DUUUUUUUDE or laugh myself breathless.

Diamond thief AND Kontan's special uncle? What more can this man do??

He's Obama, what can't the man do!

Me.

10letterstoolongmessagething

Or public option, forgot that one.

Yes he can!

I bet Needle could take him. He seems kind of scrawny to me. Then again, he does have the Secret Service to hold Needle down.

But I think Needle has ninja training, let's bet on this. I've got twenty on Needle.

Bujinkan Budo Taijutsu for the win!

I have 20 saying that just as they are about to have a showdown, a blue hippo with a baseball bat will arrive and beat the crap out of both sides of it. (only truly funny if you are Danish and have seen WullfmorgenTaler etc.)

Well if you look at the signs you'll actually discover Obama is the cartoon character Bob the Builder.
For example if you take the first letter of his first name and the first two letters of his last name, it clearly spells out Bob.
He loves kids.
Biden is obviously the scarecrow from the show who never shuts up.
The best way for a white man to hide is disguised as a black man.
It would of been a great disguise if he didn't use his tv slogan as his campaign slogan.

It explains how he can do anything since he is a cartoon character. It also explains why he hasn't been assassinated yet, beause cartoon characters can't die, so whenever somone shoots him they simply cover the whole thing up so nobody discovers his true identity.

I do? I mean... I do!
Come on people, don't be afraid. He may have a couple of nukes on hand and the secret service and shitloads of other stuff but I can certainly take him. Never underestimate the ninja.

Only a ninja can kill a ninja...

Well he sure as hell better not be a fucking ninja then.

I thought you were supposed to be the ninja, so the nukes and secret service would be useless.

Yeah, I am. I'm saying Obama better not secretly be a ninja. FOOL.

Na, he's to visible to be a ninja. Chenny on the other hand, he was sneaky. I think he may have been an evil ninja.

Ninjas are neither good nor bad. We are just completely fucking awesome.

With the exception of youtube ninjas, they're just funny. Well, the demo teams I've seen are pretty cool. But most of the people that post ninja videos on there are fucking goofy as hell.

Look, Obama is not just a mere man. No one is safe. He will badtouch you in your dreams like some kind of pedo kruger!

He'd have to get past Debra Fogarty from Diva Destruction, she's the only one that gets to badtouch me in my dreams.

What if I were so devoted to resisting Obama I cut off my genitals?

Then you'd just be a crazy like the Republicans. Something like 70% of the country want a public option and they're kind of cutting off their own genitals by fighting it.

No, I'd just be crotch-grab proof. Ah-ha!