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The Onion - America's Finest News Source for the win!
Still as great as ever with stories like:
Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian Woman Married To Fat, Emotionally Distant Vampire Escapes Into 'Twilight' Novels and the op ed piece Kids, Your Mother Is Ready To Start Fucking Again Brilliant! Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! |
The "kids your mom wants to fuck again!" Was absolutely fucking glorious. :D
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"Very special needs. Like companionship. And affection. And the steady thrust of a man's engorged penis sliding ever so gently, deeper, deeper, inside of her."
ROFLMFAO! |
The Onion is a product of Wisconsin.
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Haha!
I think I've been in the situation where my mom was ready to fuck again.. Just that my dad is still alive.. And she escaped to Spain.. Still don't know what she did over there.. *.* |
Yes, the Onion is a product of Wisconsin.
Think they don't have a sense of humor there? The Chicago Bears fans wanted to insult the Green Bay Packer fans, so they started calling the Wisconsinites "cheeseheads", thinking that would really hurt their feelings. Look what happened with that. Plus, they drink a whole hella lot. I had to move to Texas to cut back! o-0 |
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Mark McGwire Admits It Was Really Fucking Fun Hitting Baseballs So Far
"I can't remember having a better time in all of my life," McGwire said during an hour-long interview with the MLB Network's Bob Costas. "Do you have any idea what it's like knowing instantly that a ball you hit is going to fly—no, soar—over a fence in a major-league stadium? Well, I do. And it's fucking fantastic." "I'm sorry everyone had a problem with it," McGwire added. "But I was having a blast." Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! |
More stories from The Onion:
Struggling US Airways Introduces $100 Million Bomb Fee With holiday traffic down almost 4 percent compared to last year and business continuing to decline, US Airways announced Monday that it would allow VIP customers to bring bombs on board its flights for a one-time $100 million fee. Make-A-Reasonable-Request Foundation Provides Sick Child With Decent Seats To Minnesota Timberwolves Game "He originally wanted to sit on the bench and meet the players, but we were able to talk him down to a pair of sensibly priced tickets to a Monday home game." God's Wrath According To Pat Robertson 700 Club founder Pat Robertson stated that the earthquake in Haiti, which may have killed 100,000 people, was God's punishment for a deal Haitian slaves made with the devil 200 years ago to get out from under French rule. Here are some other tragedies and Robertson's explanations for them. AND VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill - VIDEO! "Downwind the stench of perfume and tequila mixed together is pretty difficult to stomach." Ha ha ha ha! |
surie. Nice bikiny girl
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She is nice, actually!
Frantic Steve Jobs Stays Up All Night Designing Apple Tablet So that's how he does it, eh? |
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Obama To Wait For Next Bruce Springsteen Album For Word On Economy
Mayonnaise, Black Forest Ham To Share Top Billing In Upcoming Sandwich Video - Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her In this episode of 'Raw Justice,' a depraved sex fiend violated his wife's body almost weekly for ten years before finally murdering her. 'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper "That's obvious. Vaccines don't cause autism. Not telling your kids to smarten up and get their heads out of their asses does." |
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Can't fucking believe it..guess vampires are going to take over the world next o.O |
Pat Robertson has made a career out of being a raving lunatic, this is just the latest in a very long series of stupid sayings..
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Yeah, but did you click on the link? The Onion article is a brilliant spoof and simultaneously a scathing indictment of his practices! And it's hilarious. If you missed it, go see it NOW!!!!
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Ford Recalls 2010 Mustang For Being Too Cool
DETROIT—-Ford officials issued a massive recall of the entire 2010 Mustang line Tuesday, apologizing for a quality-control oversight that led to the company manufacturing a badass muscle car that was way too awesome for the American public. "We deeply regret this lapse in judgment and accept full responsibility for the mistake," Ford CEO Alan R. Mulally said standing beside a gorgeous, cherry-red vehicle recalled for being "way too smoking." "After numerous road tests, we've found the car to be a mean, mean ride that Americans are simply not cool enough to handle, and it would be irresponsible of us to allow anyone to get behind the wheel of this killer car. It's truly frightening how sweet the Mustang is." According to Mulally, Ford has canceled production on the 2011 Mustang, and will instead release a line of fuel-efficient vehicles in an effort to appeal to boring old Americans. |
Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex
PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex. "Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love fucking with all my heart." Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn't stop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexual intercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, only skankier. "When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control," said Woods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is only truly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. "It's just me and my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. And sometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met." "I'm so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras," Woods added. (click link above for more) |
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Hahahaha, I can see that one actually happening.
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I think that one above actually did happen and the onion news is only expanding on the hilarity. I was reading yahoo news this morning and I seem to remember something about that story.
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