trite Goth poetry
 

such paleness glow and talented hand.
such pain and sadness of such quick sand
such soft caress of pillows down
They'll wait for me to come around

such tasks must be done for ones like us
such is punishment for sysiphus
such struggle for sanity in such a time
making sure to hit the mines

such threats spoken from lips so sweet
such evil times for eyes to meet
such pain and depth for a righteous cut
alas for our fate is as such

such cold blood and colder tears
such confirmation of one own fears
such a different view from this blade's side
there are no rules to wich abide

such ease in cutting as if to mate
be still my love for Such is our fate

Your meter is consistently off kilter, your subject matter is dull and your use of language just sounds pompous. Use your natural voice and if you can't be bothered to learn enough about meter to use it competently, you're probably better off just using free verse.

If you want to express agony, fatalism, and unfulfilled longing, I'm all for it. Just see if you can do it without using a dozen clichés! Your genuine emotions, in your own voice (as Apathy's Child said) are far more effective.

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