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10-11-2010 01:43 AM |
House of Blood.
So I dug up an old blog/rant I wrote about a killer B movie that I thought I would share. It's very long and full of spelling and grammar errors, but I really don't feel like proof-reading something I wrote years ago at 2:40 AM.
Quote:
So Paul decides to rent some movies. Scary Movie 4, House of Wax, and House of Blood. The first two were pretty much as expected. Scary Movie 4 spoofed the most recent remake of War of the worlds, The grude, SAW, and I think some movie called The Village? I can't remember. It wasn't very good, but I didn't expect it to be. House of Wax was your typical serial killer movie. Some guys with a dark past that decide to run around and scare the crap out of teenagers. It wasn't great, but it had a few "HAHA! PWNED!" moments. Then there's House of Blood, and the point of this blog. The cover depicts an old ring door knocker thing in the shape of a skull with big ol' horns and fangs. The door is coated liberally with blood stains. You're first thought it "Oh, a demon runs around and kills teenagers. Sounds good." The back reads as follows:
"The Secret Dies Here
Straps lashed across each bed. Chains bolted
to every wall. And a creepy backwoods family
muttering bizarre satanic curses. From the
outside, this isolated hunting lodge looked
like the perfect hideout. But inside, four
ruthless convicts and their terrified hostage
are about to uncover the deadly ancient
curse that lives within the blood-spattered
walls, a horrifying secret no one has yet
lived to tell - nor ever will."
Seems decent. Everyone loves creepy red-necks who spend their time worshiping satan, right? In truth, it's awfully misleading. I'm going to write what it's REALLY about because it was that damn wrong.
The movie starts by shifting between this man waking up in the morning and a car driving down a densly forrested interstate. As the man waking up looks at his watch, the camera shifts to the driver and you see they have the same watch, and are the same person. The car continues to drive as the credits roll, and spuradicly you see a rather gaudy cross falling to the ground in the woods, a convict blowing a law enforcement agents head off with a shotgun (you actually see it get blown off, so this is the first of many "HAHA! PWNED!" moments), a crow falling to the ground in the forrest that lands head first on a rock (What the fuck?), and more convicts killing people. This is what I gathered while I was at the computer messing around with picture's of someone in photoshop. About 10 minutes later something is actually happening. The convicts are now in the woods with a hostage (the man in the car at first) and they are yelling at him to fix their buddy. He explains that he needs "proffensional treatment" at a hospital and, of course, the convicts point guns at his face and tell him in numerious ways that they will blow his face off if he doesn't "fix" their buddy. This is about 10 minutes long. They finally decide they want to go to Canada because the border is only a few days away walking. Problem is their buddy isn't going to make it that long, but they don't really care what the hostage (who is a doctor if you didn't catch on) has to say. The movie then shifts to a shoot out at a tipped over convicts transport bus, revealing what is wrong with "Spence's" arm. They miraculously find a crashed car with a doctor in it, and decide to take him along. The movie shifts back to them in the woods as they find a small house. This is where the movie gets weird.
They see a woman outside slit a goats neck, then put this black goowy stuff on and heal it. The convicts are like "lawl lets go in." They bust in and find a family of about 9-10 eating dinner. They're like "STFU OR WE'LL KILL YOU!" and stuff. The thing is, this house is like... one big room. It's more of a shack. It doesn't have any appliances or light bulbs. You can tell right away that the family is a throw back to the 1700's when they talk in old english. The doctor tells the convicts that he needs to amputate spence's arm because he doesn't have the crap he needs to fix it. They're like "NO!" and he's like "THEN SHOOT ME!" and they start fighting again. Finally they decide to let him do it, and he does with the help of one of the family members (Alice). It wasn't terribly gruesome, but you do see someone's arm getting sawed off with a machette so that's pretty cool. When he's done, the doctor uses that black goopy stuff to stop spence's stump from bleeding too much, and throws the arm in a bucket. One of the family members tells them they need to burn the arm right away and leave. It was a little difficult to take all of it in because they speaketh liketh a dark age peasent. They say a few things about god, and suddenly one of the children goes rabbid and is screaming like a dinasour. Seriously. A dinasour. They chain her to a bed, and throw the bucket with the arm in a back room. The doctor pulls out the same gaudy cross from the beginning of the movie and kisses it, praying he isn't killed.
They talk some more, and suddenly they hear weird noises comming from that room a bit later. One of them decides to check it out, and he finds one of the family members munchin on spence's recently departed arm. He's like "ZOMG!!" and starts to shoot. He comes out and tells them and everyone's like "ZOMG WTF" Then, the guy that just got shot up is walking out there with them speaking more about God. His face is a knock off of vampire's from the Buffy TV series. The convicts aptly begin to hose his ass in slow motion. I mean they just unload on him while he does the chaingun cha-cha. Blood and parts flying everywhere. When the freaky drops, suddenly everyone in that famliy but Alice is a vampire and they bum rush the convicts. I'm seeing this and sayinh "OOOOOHHHH! Mormon vampires! Neat!" then the selling point to this movie occurs.
One of the mormon vampires charges a convict with a front flip. My facial expression was "o_O??!!" The camera pans in slow motion to a mormon vampire charging a convict with an axe. The convict dodges and spins around to hack the mormon vampire now behind him.... but no. The mormon vampire... runs up the wall, and does a back-flip, landing behind the convict..... "VAMPIRE MORMON NINJAS!!!!!!" I scream. This movie has been upgrades to awsome status. The next 10 minutes are just blood bath after blood bath. After Paul and I stopped laughing hystericly, I comment "Wait... they are killing characters WAY too fast. There is just the hostage and Alice left, but the movie stills has over an hour left on it. What the fuck could possibly happen now?" Well it's suddenly night, and Alice helps the hostage escape. Unfortunatly, she is converged on and assumed dead. The doctor hostage guy now runs through the woods in the dark and I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the "Vampire Mormon Ninjas chase the doctor through the woods at night scene." It doesn't come. D: The doctor runs into a S.W.A.T. (What the fuck? lol) unit that was sent after the convicts.
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