The Lethal Kiss
 

It's not a new work, but I like this story (It's about an obsessed vampire that lives among mortals), so I rewrote it into English. Rhymes and rhythems are above my ability :(

Please Please point out the unproper usage of words or expression or sth, if you feel unconfortable...

Thanks!








Last night at the gorgeous ball
Held by honorable Duchess Shaw
Fragrant cosmetics brimming the hall
Dazzled the chandelie gazing tall
Young girls unveiled glitter and sparkle
Shimmering with flush of alcohol
Their hidden desire for the forbidden fruit
Slyly dodging what is told for good
Venice Masks in delicate hands
Concealed no naive nor natural
Oriental ladies sitting on fans
Veiled no whisper, nor joy at all
When cello called, and melody flowed
Between careful dance steps, notes twinkled
Raised their skirts, filled the ball
Step into spaces within a rainfall

Why, in this moment, in love I falled
With a pair of fresh lips that never dissolves
By no means could I be recalled
To the libertine renowned in all
Not with elegant dance of Miss Hawl
Nor the naughty tease of Princess Doll
Not even with an ignorant count
Partnered by the flattering Lady Jawl
For the whole night, no noble talk
nor spirits burned violently inside
Could draw back the slightest as normal
My cynicism or narcissism
Pretty girls surrounded, testing my fame
No, turn, go and run away
Night had stolen my talent from me
Lovely humour, glamoring blue

When the gate of destiny turned its face
Before I was able to raise my gaze
Vortex in my glass slumbered away
Adagio choked, candlelights gathered
On the latecoming lips that stung my sight
Time frozed without any awareness
Except Viscount Nicholas, my friend for centuries
Who witnessed my possessed words and spirits
Only insanity, or a dying bed,
Could make such horrible noise
"Look! That burning lips, so dark, so fresh, unbearable!
An unerasable mark, unsolvable spell,
Poisoned wine that drives only thirst,
and wager that bound to endless loss."
"Hush, Adonis, frankly tell your dearest friend
Which enchanting dancer deserves your heart?"

"Look, her powdered face, with little dark eyes,
Like a pair of black bears lost in snow
Couple on a wedding cake, wait in despair
For the upcoming ritual with sacrifice."
"Watch your tongue, my dearest friend,
How unfair you are to a lady you don't know."
Soon he exclaim at the irresistable direction,
"Oh dear, how fair you told!
Just one more minute to comb her hair,
Would be ignored and standing aside."
"How skinny she is, like a chick in wind
And the loose frillies is an old man's face."
"Her companions shines with her presence
Though scarcely better than flower girls."
Nicholas, my dear, rid me of possession
Of lips coloured by ripe apples in harvest season of a richest year!

Drinking up glasses, teasing with maids, though unease
Kept wine from my stomach, waltz from my heart
Slipped to the window, took in a breath
Came out of curtain, my friend to me
"Snoopers tried, and noses strived,
But none could tell their family and class."
Keenly he spoke, with wild flames in eyes
Provoking power that do passion suppressed
How pathetic, pitying myself
"How such humbleness stole my heart!
A nameless flower in frameless dawn
Blocked the way to a blooming garden!
A soundless ripple in a faceless lake
Voiced over the thundering billow!"
Nicholas blinked, his eyes alluring
But her lips are poisonous rose thrusting my throat!

Lowered my face, I wound to her back
My will burnt to ashes, panting in glow
How boring was her talk, fake her smile,
shallow her knowledge, but her lips -
Hurt me again when she turned around,
With messy headwear and over makeup
Polishing our abruptness, cruelty and paleness
Nicholas seduced them with grace and style
Girl of cherrylip fanned her scent,
The offensive cheap perfume held my breathe
She knew it well, though dull and posed
My very insanity to take her in
Giggling, coquetting, never understand
Not her equiped eyelash, her poor breast
But her lips, like ruby on a crown
Shining with pride in a solitary night

Out of ballroom, of crowd, of gossip and affair
Running straight into deep autumn night
Taken by fever, I stammered confession
Wriggling she dodged, counting her dates
Irritatedly I turned my back, again bound by her arms
And fascinating praises beyond her tongue
I could stand no more, wait no more
Grabbed her hair and pressed my lips
Thirst of centuries quenched with spring,
Long desired sweet ran down my gullet
The key of a drunkard cracked its keyhole
And silence stands
Long awaited dark clouds exhausted in storm
Leaving a clean night sky
Pushed her aside, taggered into forest
No talks please, just trip on a root and weep in mud

In the bar in our appointment, half an hour later
I downed a full cup, provoking the sailors
Nicholas tapped my shoulder, no softer words on earth than his,
"Her lips printed on your shirt."
I glimpsed my chest, spotted the red laces
Frustratedly I shaked my head.
"I guess forever I could never forget
Such spicy and lethal lips she had."

I like it a lot. Just a few things:

Did you mean "chandelier" ("chandelie")

I think it should probably be "Those burning..."

It should be "shine"
I'm not sure what exactly you want to say here but I think it should be "...he exclaimed..."

Should it be "staggered"?

Thanks for correcting! I am often careless with singular/plural forms or present/past tenses as that's not a matter in our language. There are some words in it that's not in my vocabulary... Just looked up in the dictionary, so not quite sure.

I'm glad if those mistakes did not cause difficulties in reading... It seems that I could not edit what is already posted... Well, for the word exclaim, I only want to say shout, but that sounds a bit rude, and I know no better word, so looked up in the dictionary, again... I think your understanding should be the same as mine...

Revised version...



Last night at the gorgeous ball
Held by honorable Duchess Shaw
Fragrant cosmetics brimming of hall
Dazzled the chandelier gazing tall
Young girls unveiled glittering sparkle
Shimmering faces flushed by alcohol
Their hidden desire for the forbidden fruit
Slyly dodging what is told for good
Venice Masks in delicate hands
Concealed no naive nor natural
Oriental ladies sitting on fans
Veiled no whisper, nor joy at all
When cello called, and melody flowed
Notes dropped among dancing toes
Raised their skirts, filled the ball
Caught in a fever, dancing rainfall

Why, this moment, in love I fell
With a pair of fresh lips that never dissolves
By no means could I be recalled
To the libertine renowned to all
Not with elegant dancer, Miss Howl
Nor the naughty teasing Princess Doll
Not even with that ignorant earl
Partnered by the flattering Lady Jaw
For the whole night, no noble talk
nor spirits burned violently down
Could draw back the slightest fraction of
My cynicism or narcissism
Pretty girls surrounded, testing my fame
No, turn, go and keep away
Night had stolen my talent from me
Lovely humour, glamoring blue

When the gate of destiny turned its face
Before I was able to raise my gaze
Vortex in my glass slumbered away
Adagio choked, candle lights gathered
On late coming lips that stung my sight
Time frozen, light flashed, but no one knew
Except Viscount Nicholas, my friend for centuries
Who witnessed my possessed words and spirits
Nothing but insanity, or a dying bed,
Could make such horrible noise
"Look! Those burning lips, so dark but fresh!
An inerasable mark, unsolvable spell,
Poisoned wine that drives only thirst,
And alluring wager bound to endless loss."
"Hush, Adonis, frankly tell
Which enchanting dancer deserves your heart?"

"Look, her little dark eyes on powdered face,
Like a pair of black bears lost in snow
Couple on a wedding cake, waiting in despair
For the sacrifice in upcoming ritual."
"Watch your tongue, my dearest friend,
How unfair you are to a lady you don't know."
Soon he exclaimed at my irresistible direction,
"Oh dear! How fair! The girl you told!
One more minute to comb her hair,
Would be fair enough to stand aside."
"How skinny, like a chick in wind
The loose frillies is an old man's face."
"Her companions shine with her presence
Though scarcely better than flower girls."
Nicholas, my dear, rid me of possession
Of lips coloured by ripe apples harvested in the best time of year!

Drinking up glasses, teasing with maids, though unease
Kept wine from my stomach, waltz from my heartstring
Slipped to the window, took in a breath
Out came of the curtain, my friend to me
"Snoopers tried, and noses strived,
But none could tell their family and class."
Keenly he spoke, with wild flames in eyes
Provoking power that does passion suppressed
How pathetic, pitying myself
"How such humbleness stole my heart!
A nameless flower in frameless dawn
Blocked the way to blooming Eden!
A soundless ripple in a faceless lake
Voiced over the roar of thundering billow!"
Nicholas blinked, his eyes enticed
Her poisonous lips are rose thrusting my throat!

Lowered my face, I wound to her back
My will burnt to ashes, panting in glow
How boring was her talk, fake her smile,
Shallow her knowledge, but her lips -
Hurt me again when she turned around,
With messy headwear and over makeup
Polishing our abruptness, cruelty and paleness
Nicholas seduced them with grace and style
Girl of cherry lip fanned her scent,
The offensive cheap perfume clutched my breath
She knew it well, though dull and posed
My very insanity to take her in
Giggling, coquetting, never to understand
Not equiped eyelash, or her poor breast
But lips, taking my heart like rubies on a crown
Shining with pride in a solitary night!

Out of ballroom, of crowd, of gossip and affair
Running straight into deep autumn air
Taken by fever, I stammered confession
Wriggling she dodged, counting her dates
Irritated I turned my stone cold back
To her panic towards dumped, and fragmented praises
I could stand no longer, wait no longer
Grabbed her hair and pressed my kiss
Thirst of centuries quenched with spring,
Long desired sweet ran down my gullet
The key of a drunkard cracked its lock - silence stood
Long awaited dark clouds exhausted in storm - calmed the sky
Pushed her aside, staggered into forest
No talk please, no acquaintance either
I ran and ran, praying for no peace, but
Tripping on a root and weeping in the mud.

In the bar of appointment, half an hour later
I downed a full cup, provoking the sailors
Nicholas tapped my shoulder; no words could be softer,
"Her lips printed on your shirt."
I glimpsed my chest, spotted those red laces
Frustrated I shook my head.
"I guess forever I could never forget
Such spicy lethal lips once she had."