Pendulum
 

Whoever made this thing was mad;
whatever planned it was assured.
I know it wouldn’t make me glad
to hold and make my life secured.
Behaving like a deadly fan
I saw it stroke within its air.
The gilded wood belied its plan;
it swept its path with stoic care.
I could ignore its face with time,
but I will always see its parts,
and that won’t change its adage chime:
It ends before it even starts.

Decent start, a good hook and just cryptic enough to pull the reader in.
Something about this rhymed couplet makes both rhymes seem forced.
"Behaving"? Can you come up with a 3-syllable synonym that doesn't sound so odd? If you can, you probably should.
Nice. For some reason, it reminds me of a couplet in Shakespeare's Sonnet CXVI, "It is the star to every wandering bark/ Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken." It's not even that similar, but it reminds me of that, so I thought I'd mention it. I recommend reading the Sonnet if you haven't. http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/363.html
Nice personification. Its short, to-the-point tone brings to mind fragments, which echoes the message.
I like "adage chime". Creative use of words.

I would make a few minor changes, but overall it's quite good. I wouldn't have taken the time to critique if it wasn't.

I think you should re-read it, I don't think you so much as recognized the rhyme scheme, or the scansion.

Glad and secured are not a rhyming couplet, ABABCDCDEFEF...

Incase you aren't familiar, Shakespeare wrote in iambic pentameter with feminine endings in his sonnets.

I also like writing in iambic, but I write in iambic tetrameter.

The better question is: what does it mean? Also, I didn't personify the pendulum at that part, I did when I said, "with stoic care," etc.

You obviously know far more about poetry than this one, so could you explain what feminine [and masculine, if they exist too] endings are?

Feminine endings =

"To be or not to be that is the question"

As you can see it has eleven syllables, but the last beat is unstressed.

Masculine endings are of course ones that lack the unstressed beat.

You're absolutely right, "glad" and "secured" are not a rhyming couplet. Perhaps my use of "couplet" was incorrect. What I meant to say (and I thought I was clear on this, but apparently not) is that something about that couplet (and I think that's the right term) makes the rhymes seem forced: the rhymes I am referring to are "mad" and "glad", "secured" and "assured".

I apologize for that misunderstanding.

As to the personification, I assumed that was your intent when you said that you ignored its face. I thought you were lending double meaning to the word. I guess I was wrong.

I was saying that the first to lines are great, they really hook the reader, the words are well chosen and it's almost alluring. The two lines that follow feel forced, as though they were chosen merely to continue the rhyme scheme.

I'm sure you've read poems where the rhymes seem forced, haven't you? I hope you understand what I'm referring to.

Secured is used very carefully. I am not some hack who picks words to fit the rhyme, I took at least 2-3 dozen words and that one fit my message.

Secure doesn't always have to be a good thing. Ever secured someone to a prison? It's a light abstraction to fool the reader into thinking the narrator is saying something nice, but he's really saying:

Now I know I can die.

The person (if no one can tell) is contemplating how it's impossible to ignore impending doom. That only someone insane could have made something that can visually and acoustically tick away a person's life.

The first four lines is really saying (what intention I wrote it with):

Whoever made this thing was absolutely insane, I know I wouldn't be happy making something that could show me I have a calculable life.

I didn't say you were a hack. I said that it sounded a little forced. Overall, I truly loved the poem.

Oh, I see!

Thanks, mate. :)

You see what?

Heh, the difference between feminine and masculine endings.

Crap, I didn't even realize that. So what did you think Jill?

As for me, it makes me smile. I have tried to think more to say about it (which is why I've taken so long to respond) but it just makes me smile.
The deep concentration with which the narrator watches the pendulum makes me think of either a genius or a guy in an acid trip that was left in front of a clock for too long. Either way it strangely reminds me of Lewis Carrol, even though the poem has nothing to do with his writing style.

In this case it's the genius. :P Thinking about the creation that has mastered mortality.

Worship of the genius is a dangerous thing. That said, this is an excellent poem.

It is almost like I can hear some great clock ticking in the background, and hear a barritone chime count out the hour in solemn finality.

It seems as if it was written from the perspective of someone who realizes how deadly to the soul being ruled by time or a set schedule can be. It shows someone writhing against the constraints of time.

It also seems to show an awareness of time passing, and the inevitability of and end, and how swiftly it arrives.

It also seems to imply a malevolent power behind the passage of time that also prevents you from using it as you would wish.

It implies an anger against this malevolent force, in addition to an awareness of it.

In the end we all die, we all have less time than we think, and we should have an awareness of that in order to combat "life happens, and that's why I never did -" (fill in the blank) syndrome.

My intention broken down line for line:

Whoever made this thing was mad;

The pendulum, whoever made the concept of time was probably insane.


whatever planned it was assured.

Planned = Death, death is now something that can be planned upon, it's impending. It's assured.


I know it wouldn’t make me glad
to hold and make my life secured.

Imagery used to disguise the real meaning. The narrator is saying that it would make them glad to know they are going to die. That it wouldn't make them glad to create such a thing.


Behaving like a deadly fan
I saw it stroke within its air.

An allusion to the Reaper's sickle.


The gilded wood belied its plan;
it swept its path with stoic care.

The imperturbability of time, the invariable motion of it. The pendulum is beautiful, but it's only to dissuade one to recognize its awful power over your life.

I could ignore its face with time,

Used to throw the reader off again. Not the face of the pendulum, but rather completing the metaphor of the pendulum as TIME. It faces time, because it is TIME. Instead of the noun face, the verb.


but I will always see its parts,

Parts of time. Parts of the clock. Parts of aging, etc.


and that won’t change its adage chime:
It ends before it even starts.


Life ends before it even starts. That's all it's saying.

This is the intent I wrote with...of course I could go on to explain this further, but I just wanted everyone to know the gist of it.

good explanation. however, you must realize that each individual reader will color what they read with their own perceptions and experience. THat is the wonderful thing about good poetry, or good music, is that in addition to conveying emotion, or thought, it inspires those things within the reader as well. They may not think or feel exactly what you do, but their individual inspiration/understanding will follow in the same general direction.

Perhaps my take on it is because that is some of what i deal with, and so it is already in my mind, so your piece brings it to the forefront.

In any case, this is a solid, well crafted piece, a bit unusual in terms and rythym, but entertaining and thought provoking in spite of - no, because of it. Thank you for sharing.

Rhytmn? Iambic tetrameter is the second most used meter I believe. :'(

It's not like I was starting my line with spondees, or this was a double dactyl.

i don't know much about the technical side of poetry, I think perhaps it was the stresses (?) at the end of each line. I like the way it emphasizes the feel of the poem though. Kind of like the low chimes of a grandfather clock in an old, dusty house.

You should familiarize yourself; because even a man such as Dr.Seuss has mastered it.

He's brilliant though, and I love him. The reason I picked iambic tetrameter is because it's all even, I love the way it sounds ever since I read that Robert Frost poem.

Da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM

Read it again outloud and you'll hear it.

Tic TOC tic TOC tic TOC tic TOC

It was used for effect here.

Was the Frost poem "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" (if that is the name-- I disremember) ? I recall it having that sort of meter.

There are a few deep questions to ask a pendulum about your career, love, or health. For example, "If I am going to find a partner, please swing right."