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Ice Queen
I remember a girl I once knew who reminded me of the winter her stare was cold as she looked apon me with her ice blue eyes.
Her smile as white as freshly fallen snow. This girl walked with the icey wind as if she herself comanded them. Her hair was raven black and flowed in the wind like a cloud moving gracefully across the sky. When she spoke any man around would stop to here her cold yet comforting voice that flowed between lips as smooth as ice and the coller of the flower petols of a pointsetia. This girl as cold as the winter stole my breath away like the Ice Queen in storys my mother used to read to me but yet she gave off a wormth that only the sun could provide on those long winter days. I believe I loved here but were is she now!? Shes in the winds of the winter lost to me forever. |
First, choose a readable colour that isn't going to send me blind. Second, spelling mistakes, are they intentional? It is not a slight against you, but I don't assume that you are from an English speaking background so I would like some clarification. Sentence structure is too long
Eg. "I remember a girl I once knew who reminded me of the winter her stare was cold as she looked apon me with her ice blue eyes." Should read ... "I remember a girl I once knew who reminded me of the winter. Her stare was cold as she looked apon me with her ice blue eyes." I would cut the question at the end... "I believe I loved here but were is she now!?" Word repetition is another issue. Try not to over use ice. Other than that it was ok. Hope it helps. |
There's still a lot of corrections you need to make. A lot.
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But I still love what you wrote. I think it's beautiful and your uses of similies and metaphors are wonderful.
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