Ask Jurgen
 

I am going to pretend to be Jurgen from the Metal Hammer magazine, if anyone recognizes it. Doesn't matter if you don't, Ask questions and hopefully within one day I will answer them with either witty sarcasm, seriousness...or just some random crap.

You treading on Duckies turf.

{get's out the whetstone and eyes her selection of blades}

:( *cry's in corner for half an hour and fucks off somewhere to get drunk and stoned*

Oh, I know what you mean, I think.

Aiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee???

YES! 'semlly english fuck ferret' or 'orange faced thundercunt'

Ok, this could be amusing, lets gve it a go

Dear Metabolik/Jurgen
When playing live gigs (so untr00, I know) I keep impaling fellow bands members, people in the audience and technical staff upon my 15 inch spiked armbands. This has put me in a real dilemma.......how best do I clean their blood off my stage gear? I want it looking its shiniest

Become a vampire and the urge will come to suck the blood clean off. Your gear will look so shiney that chthulu itself will be blinded by it's beauty.

Ah! But of course! Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Infernal Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeees to you

Neeexxxxtttt Pllleeeaaaeeeeeessseeee!!!!

Jurgen! What would you reccomend for the best weaponry polish? I don't want my swords becoming rusty!

I have Metal Hammer's first edition Book of Metal. It's hilarious. They called Blink 182 metal.


You may as well read Kerrang.

Honeythorn: I would reccomend average shoe polish, don't worry, it won't make your sword black...unless you leave it on too long.

Maggot: grow some balls...kerrang sucks.

On the whole, I'd agree. Although they do have a goth section which usually features a couple of decent bands. Unfortunately there's usually just a double page spread rather than a decent sized section.

They featured Frank the Baptist once. And wrote about 3 lines about them

Cunts.




I'm not a fan of Metalhammer.

Yeah, I know. That's the whole point.




At least they don't call Blink 182 metal, though.

Hi Jurgen! A cure for my headache???

Have a headache?...then FUCKING PUT UP WITH IT!..or you could mix some herbs and alchohol and rub it o your forehead, old indian recipe :D
but seriosuly I wouldn't try it if I were you.

What issue did they fuck up this time?
also i'm going to ask myself a question...jurgen, why am I so god damn nice?
Answer: because your a pussy...
...prick...

The Book of Metal (First Edition)


Even for a first edition, they should know better.

Um, right. Yeah, I'd rather have the headache.

Jurgen,

Where are all the hot girls around here?

Drear Jurgen,
No one can come up with any good pwnage but me. Do you think you'd be able to develop some nice pwnage that could be a match for me? I completely understand if you'd rather writhe in your own squalor instead.

Yours Falsely,
Uncle Smoov

Amarantha: In my head...If I was a girl I would be super hot. I think they are all in Tha Duckmans bed.
Uncle Smoov: I have come up with a new word to describe how bad one guy on this film got owned cos 'owned' just didn't cut it. I think the word was 'crounged'...don't ask me why...it sounded hard core at the time.

Don't even talk to me about croungage. I do that shit for a living.

How about, super duper ultra killer mangling?