A poem for my English teacher.
 

For Valentines Day. I hope he likes it.

Mr Jones

I looked at a pebble, and it reminded me of you.
I looked at a pebble, and then I thought of you.
I looked at a pebble, all I could think about was Glyn.
I looked at a pebble, then your used condom, in a bin.

It was a very handsome pebble, rugged like your pecs.
You should try a suave demeanour, and maybe buy some specs.
You could sit in bars, like a big old sexy daemon,
And feeling your underwear, which are covered in se-... Morgan Freeman.

You could have your pick of women, they'd line up down the street.
Goths, emos, and poets, and people who like feet.
Oscar Wilde once said, 'Bigamy is a wife too many, monogamy's much the same',
With a visage as awesome as yours, your chastity's a shame.

Your wife's a lucky woman, though she must spend a lot,
It must be quite expensive to make you look that hot.
I expect you shop at expensive stores, like Versace and Armani,
And you probably speak lots of languages, French, Spanish and Afghani.

I don't know why you're an English teacher, you could have been a model,
You say that you like children, but that's a bunch of twaddle.
The catalogues would have signed you, you would have been a hit,
Instead you're teaching Ieuan, you sorry sack of wit.

With Valentines approaching, we felt it proper to let you know,
You are the bane of all our dreams, the whiteness in the snow.
You are what makes the stars shine, what makes the world turn round.
If you don't give us level sevens, you'll end up in the ground.

We hope you accept our offering, this humble singing card,
If you don't, it is official, you're the world's biggest R-tard.
It's with a weary heart that I must bid you ado,
Have a good half-term, you lump of sexy, you.

You must record your reading of this for your teaching on VD.

Best line from anything ever? I think so!

Are you actually going to give this to your teacher? Please do. It made me laugh out loud (very loudly) in the library. The children stared.

I gave it to him with a Valentines Day card that has two bunnies fucking and the action covered by a big black box that says 'censored'. The song of the card goes like this:

Oh baby,
You're turning me on,
Oh baby.
You're the best kind of lover,
So get under the covers and we're gonna have a party tonight!

Yeehaw! :D

I really hope you're not kidding, coz that just made my day.

*Claps*

Wow.


Priceless.


*gasp*

Hehehehehe.

How did he react?

That is the single greatest thing I've witnessed in my life. And this time I actually mean it. Genius.

He wouldn't let me read it in class because he wants it to be a surprise for today, VALENTINES DAY!

YAYAYAY!

I can't wait to see his wife's reaction. :p

That was just......... beautiful.

you have a very... liberal english teacher.

Good piece of poetry, I think.