Dead On Arrival
 

A new song I've been working on for the Bloody Ovaries.

Dead on arrival
Dead on arrival
Dead on arrival

Gunshot in the face by a rival gang
Shot because he had the wrong name

He sold them some drugs
Big time heroin user
Almost an abuser

Dead on arrival
Dead on arrival
Dead on arrival

Quit the fucking war
We got bigger problems
Lets cut the shit


I wrote this in about 5 minutes, still working on the music. Feedback please!

It doesn't really make any sense to me.
First off, if you're doing heroin, you're not "almost an abuser," you are an abuser.

Second...what does the war have to do with it?

War between factions of the punk subculture. Skinheads like to beat up on punks. I'm trying to write a ong that brings the factions together, and condone drug use. I wrote the bleeding thing in 5 minutes!

You also asked for criticism, so don't bitch at me.

Anyway...yeah, your message isn't really clear at all, I'd work on it.
Also, why condone drug use?

Why? Because a lot of good people dies becasue of hard drugs. Sid Vicious, Darby Crash and Kurt Cobain to name a few. I have no problem with pot, but cocain, meth, heroin, that's the shit that fucks people up.

Interesting... it would be nice if people could post music on here...I'd like to hear it with instrumentals.

I agree with the demented seraphim. As meaningful as some lyrics can be, it just isn't music until it's transformed into audible creation.

Speaking of lyrics, you really should spend a little more time on them. One thing that wouldn't hurt is a little imagination. You know that line about a 'gunshot in the face?' Why not transform that a little? You know, something like, "gunshot elegy destroying grimacing abandon wrought from factioned work," or something like that. Okay, I'll admit, singing that line is going to be tricky, but hey, if your music is worth it, then no one will mind the singing. I know delivery is a part of the process, but also the words behind it matter, too.

Plus, why condone drug use? If you intend on bringing the dead factions together, then why condone something that is sure to destroy them individually? So you can get rid of them? Come on, put some elbow grease into it! Five minutes isn't all you get!

You idiot, condone means to encourage or advocate.

Ha, 70% of my prose condones drug use. Contrary to popular belief, it CAN be done responsibly and fairly safely.

Stormtrooper - I find it hard to comment on song lyrics, as they're inseparable from the sound in terms of overall effect. But honestly, I thought it was overly simple without really getting to the heart of the matter, if that makes sense.

Your band name is The Bloody Ovaries?
Almost as bad as Pleasant Road...almost.
But seriously...are you a punk band? Because if so I can get the name kinda but it is pretty cliche.

No, we're a noise band. Big Black mixed with Helmet and 80's Japanese Hardcore punk. So not really a punk band, but still are kinda. I bring the punk element to the band, everybody else has different influences.