[DrenchedInGin]

To my soon-to-be-ex boss,

I am leaving this company shortly for greener pastures, but your petty and irritating behaviour towards me since I announced my resignation is only making me grateful that I will soon be leaving you, with your selective deafness and your tendency to pull rank to lay blame for your own mistakes on others. I've had quite enough of counselling your staff through the emotional rubbish you keep laying on them, and I'm completely over finding myself the butt of your inappropriate behaviour.

Your clean-living herbal-tea-drinking scuba-diving squeaky cleanliness is apparently only a cover for your wicked habits of 'not hearing' things when it suits you, or 'not recieving' emails in spite of your surgical attachment to your Blackberry, and your insistence that you never, ever make any mistakes whatsoever and anything that goes wrong is automatically the fault of your staff, no matter what evidence exists to the contrary.

Somewhere, hidden in the attic of your childhood home, no doubt, there surely lurks a hideous portrait of you, bearing the marks of all the pettiness, casual nastiness and lack of courtesy you try so hard to disguise from the managers you constantly suck up to.

May your loving parents find the portrait, declare it to be 'unusual and arty' and hang it over the mantlepiece for you and your boyfriend to discover during your next holidays.

May your sodding Blackberry spontaneously come to life, aquire a soul and start loudly berating you whenever you attempt to hang any of your failings on a staff member.

May you wake up tomorrow morning to discover yourself the proud new owner of your first ever Conscience, and spend the next five years in agonies of guilt over all of the sorrow and stress you've spread in your 'professional' life.

May your tongue eventually learn how to pronounce the words 'please', 'thank you' and 'I apologise', and gang up against you with your new-found Conscience.

When next you go scuba-diving, may you suddenly develop the suspicion that all the sea-turtles are laughing at you behind your back.

May you bump into the coral and rip a hole in the arse of your wetsuit and not realise it until later that evening when everybody has had a good giggle about it.

May herbal tea suddenly develop immense calories so you burst out of all your I'm-so-sodding-professional clothes, you hypocrite.

May your office chair develop an irritating squeak, your monitor develop annoying horizontal lines, and may you break a nail on the photocopier.

And most of all... may you get the maximum appreciation out of the fact that I will shortly be providing an exit interview to the human resources manager, during which I will be very, very honest, and that this interview will be entered onto the permanent records of the organisation and sent to all of your managers.

Welcome to reality, dear soon-to-be-ex boss.

[Okay, I feel a bit better now...]