|
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Am I not good enough for you mom? Am I not perfect enough for you mom? Well, sorry I wasent born blonde haired and blue eyed. Sorry I'm not perfect enough. Sorry that I was ever fucking BORN.
Why don't I just go and slit my wrists like Maggie? Why don't I get depressed and try to kill myself. Aparently I'm not good enough for you. Aparently I don't do enough for you. So why I don't just remove myself from this world, eh' mom?
She's my cousin afterall. My blood. My kin. Why don't I follow in her footsteps? She always looked up to me afterall. I might as well show her that it's okay to just take a fucking razor to your skin.
The house is'nt clean enough for you mom? WELL HERES A FUCKING NEWS FLASH YOU SELF CENTERED ARROGANT BITCH. You have three fucking kids. Three fucking little hellions. What do you want us to do? Sit on the fucking couch and stare at the wall?
OF COURSE IT'S MESSY YOU STUPID FUCK.
I'm never fucking good enough for you. I never was. I never will be.
The house is a mess.
No. You cannot see your horse. One of the few things that keeps you from killing youself. One of the few things that makes you HAPPY.
I did'nt bring you coffee RIGHT WHEN YOU FUCKING TOLD ME TO.
No. You still cannot go see your horse. Why? Because I'm a lazy assed fucktard that can't stop writing fucking e-mails for FIVE FUCKING MINUETS TO GET MY ASS TO THE COFFEE POT.
Why? Why do you beat me with a fucking bat when I'm down? My backs broken. I'm kept away from what I love. I have fucking problems. MY FUCKING COUSIN. The closest one I ever had TRYED TO KILL HERSELF MOM. She SLIT HER WRISTS.
She's not going to survive much longer mom. Sure, she has a puppy now. But she needs to talked to mom, she needs someone to be there for her mom.
Unlike you.
You know that I blame myself for it mom? You know that I feel like I failed her? You know that cry at night just thinking about it mom?
Thats right mom. At fourteen fucking years old I'm already depressed.
Oh joy. Oh rapture.
I should have at least called her everyweek end. I should have wrote her a letter every day. I should have e-mailed her, I should have visted her. I should have mom.
But I did'nt.
I did'nt do a fucking thing.
I forgot about her mom. Really I did. And now look what happened.
My cousin is going to end up six feet under ground.
In a little wooden box.
Because of me.
She's fat, did you know that mom? Shes a obese teenager. Kids at school taunt her. Scare her. Hurt her. Did you know that mom? She broke down mom. And I should have been there to bring her back up. But I was'nt.
I just fucking was'nt.
Now you and I fight. Why? Because the house is a mess. I cleaned it a few days ago mom. Really I did. I cleaned all day long. For what, mom? For you to come home from work. I was happly awaiting for your approval mom. I was fucking eager for it.
But.
For what?
You said "Oh really? Good job."
That was it.
Then you sat down at your fucking little computer and wrote e-mails as if everything else was unimportant. You write fucking novels to these people. People you never met. Then you ask for a beer.
At four mom? A beer at four in the afternoon? Are you sure?
Oh, of course, your practicly my fucking idiol. You NEED a beer at four in the afternoon.
No wait, you need five fucking beers.
Untell you go to bed at ten. Of course mom, I'll get up from my chair in my room and walk across the house to get you one. When it's the kitchens just five feet away.
Sure mom. I'll automaticly drop whatever I'm doing to get you a sandwhich. More coffee. To cook you a fucking feast. I'm cleaning my boots, I'm cleaning my room, I'm scrubbing the damned toilet, I'm busy with the boys, sure I'll get you something. E-mails and chatting are just to important to stop for five minuets to get yourself something, right mom?
You act like I never do enough. Like I do absolutly fucking nothing. Do you want me to do that mom? Sure I will, because then you can go right on ahead and bitch at me for it. You do it anyways. No matter what the fuck I do.
Yeah mom. I'm on the fucking computer, why? Because I want a damned break for once. What have I done this past week? Oh, let me see mom.
Cleaned.
Cleaned.
Cleaned.
Babysat.
Cleaned.
Cleaned.
Babysat.
Babysat.
Cooked.
Babysat.
Babysat.
Babysat.
Cooked some more.
Cleaned.
Cleaned.
Baby fucking sat.
Did'nt you just whine that the house is a mess? Did'nt you just say that I can't see my fucking horse because theres toys in the living room and some dishes in the sink?
Oh joy. Oh rapture.
Don't you just love sarcasim mom? Because I do.
You made me cry. You made me weep like a fucking little emo pussy. What did I do?
I fed my cat.
I took out the garbage.
I gave the boys a snack.
I got coffee.
Then I went into my fucking room and slammed the door for good measure.
While crying like a three year old that got spanked.
Why am I crying? Why do tears of burning acid pour from my eyes?
Because your such an ungratefull, self centered, arrogant, worthless bitch.
Truely.
You are.
You come home, whats the first thing you say?
The house is a mess. I'm not going to Loki this weekend with the house like this.
Well, you don't have to go. I'll just have my dad take me instead. You can stay home while I have an hour of happiness.
Want to know what? I've had a enough of your fucking bullshit. Thats why I yelled at you. Thats why I screamed at you.
Because you make me feel like a worthless peice of shit. That I don't do enough. That I am never good enough. Never. Ever.
And now I have cryed myself dry. You never came once to say your sorry. You knew I would yell, and scream, and send you away, right? Well, you could have at least tryed. Did you? Of course not. Your to busy for that.
No, I will not turn down my speakers. I'm going to leave them turned up to there highest pitch and play this old opera as loud as it can go. I think it's The Magic Flute. But how would I know? I'm just a stupid peice of worthless bullshit that does'nt do enough for you. I'm the weird kid, remeber? I'm not just another plastic sheep. Hell, I'm even fucking bisexual. I like girls, not just the guys. Do you hate me now? I'm playing this beauitful old symphony just to drown out everything else. Every. Little. Fucking. Thing.
Thanks mom. Thanks alot.
I'm such a fucking emo.
Shoot me.
|