You know, this is actually really good. Although I feel that rhymesschemes are holding the poet back of being truly creative (some phrases seemed a little lame and predictabel, especially
He lived with his family,
And there he was hung.
They would not let him leave
For he was still quite young.
He lived in the city,
So they knew from the start,
That love would be tricky
Living so far apart.
Of course this predictability is hard to avoid when you hold on to rhymes, however rhymes usually increase the flow of the poem.
After this phrase:
“Oh my dear sweetest love,
If you only knew,
How I’d rip out their spines
To be closer to you.”
The poem really caught me and I wanted to know how it would end, but of course, and I might say that that is both the strongest and the weakest point of the poem, the phrases
And each one began:
“My dear nightingale.”
and
“One day we shall fly
Like the birds, my dear love.
One day we’ll be free
As the birds high above.”
kind of gave away how the poem would end, however the fact that the prediction comes true proves that you have actually give the poem a good thought, and that is, in my opinion, the strongest point of it.
In short: IT ROCKS!
