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Yes, this is indeed an excellent piece of writing. It is a great thing, that your teacher gave an opportunity for such self expression in an assignment.
What I personally found to immerse me within this tale, is the atmosphere you created in its introduction. Although my own work in progress is set in 19th century London, elements of your contemporary setting resonate with me.
The initial paragraphs of my work:
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On this chill evening, lit by the cold silver light of distant stars and the leering skull of the moon; wreathed with London’s archetypical fog, Chiswick cemetery is a portrait of serenity.
A gentle breeze blows through the autumn-stripped branches of the trees planted here and there amidst the neat rows of headstones and the more elaborate statues and sarcophagi which fill this dead mans kingdom. It sounds almost like the breathing of those in a peaceful slumber - although dirt and the worms that writhe within it, are all that shall ever fill the chests of those who reside here.
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