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Originally Posted by om3gag0th666
Whoever made this thing was mad;
whatever planned it was assured.
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Decent start, a good hook and just cryptic enough to pull the reader in.
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I know it wouldn’t make me glad
to hold and make my life secured.
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Something about this rhymed couplet makes both rhymes seem forced.
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Behaving like a deadly fan
I saw it stroke within its air.
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"Behaving"? Can you come up with a 3-syllable synonym that doesn't sound so odd? If you can, you probably should.
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The gilded wood belied its plan;
it swept its path with stoic care.
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Nice. For some reason, it reminds me of a couplet in Shakespeare's Sonnet CXVI, "It is the star to every wandering bark/ Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken." It's not even that similar, but it reminds me of that, so I thought I'd mention it. I recommend reading the Sonnet if you haven't.
http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/363.html
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I could ignore its face with time,
but I will always see its parts,
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Nice personification. Its short, to-the-point tone brings to mind fragments, which echoes the message.
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and that won’t change its adage chime:
It ends before it even starts.
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I like "adage chime". Creative use of words.
I would make a few minor changes, but overall it's quite good. I wouldn't have taken the time to critique if it wasn't.