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Overall, you show understanding in your writing, but you need a better vocabulary. It doesn't need to be Shakespeare, but at the same token, a good word could easily catch the reader's eye. If you bring something such as murder in a poem, leave it with the one stanza. Don't break up the idea, then continue it with "so..." Trust me, it is more effective in stories. You have the potential to write short epics; don't stay in a genre that is portrays your writing style unfavorably.
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