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I really liked that poem. Both as a whole and certain individual lines stuck out including the aforementioned 'my dreams play god' because of its ambiguity. The one line has so many complicated possibilities and its very small. Is god in this sense like a piano, an instrument subjected to the whims of your dreams, or is it a playful act of being god for a bit. As writers we create. The World:God::Poems:Us so in a sense we do play that role, in our dreams, on the page. Anyway, I like the fact that both possibilities are present in a single line. Sometimes its necessary to cut one possibility for the other, sometimes its necessary to add more variability to a line. In the end its all up to you. It's a matter of what you want the poem to evoke.
For my part, it reminded me of the Yates poem, The Lake Isle of Innisfree. Yates is an interesting writer who belonged to an elite clique of magi under the name the Order of the Golden Dawn, which you might familiar with, Aleister Crowley was a member before getting booted and forming the OTO.
Since suggestions are offensive, I won't offer any unless asked. But usually they boil down to these three things anyway:
(1) read as much as you write
(2) challenge yourself by constantly reinventing yourself. be in a constant state of becoming. don't get stuck in one thing only.
(3) when you come across general rules of writing, figure out creative ways to break them, or exceptions where they don't apply.
This is the sort of stuff that I believe has worked for me, so I pass it on. I assure you I'm not trying to turn you into my reflection. But on the other hand, if everything I read was written just the way I like it my world would in fact be happier. I would frolic more.
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