I have an ear infection.
Well, I haven't gone to the doctor yet but it's pretty unmistakable. And damn, it hurts worse than any ear infection I've had in my life, and I've had more than my share already. I can't open my mouth too wide, can't lie on that side, and there's just this constant internal throbbing that feels kind of like it's just draining but at the same time it hurts. Ew.