[Splintered]

I hate boot camps.
To be more specific, I hate boot camps that are 'required' for anything that doesn't involve the military. It doesn't matter if you're a Boy Scout or in some kind of band, any type of boot camp gets me so enraged and so terrified of my own thoughts, that I swear they are what brings me closest to a mental breakdown.

I've been to two before. 1 of them I went voluntary and happy, the other I had to be dragged crying to, because I had to go to it.

The first time I went, I was expecting this thing to be structured and not run by little kids. Being in cadets, I thought this was going to be such a pleasant experience for me, and while it would be tough, it would help me develope myself.

By the first night, I was shaking in terror. They yelled, screamed, and threatened me, even when they had said they weren't going to do that. They threatend, and nearly carried out, threats to make us do pushups 'til we collapse. One cadet threatened to take a knife and slice off parts of our clothing if they didn't meet standards.

They said they wouldn't threaten us, and they wouldn't terrify us. Yet at the end of the day, I was considering running away, or attacking some of the instructors.

These were 16 year old kids who thought that they were G.I. Fucking Joe, and had every fucking right to torture us all they felt like. Just thinking about them makes my body tense up, and I harbor such an anger at them. I hold a promise to myself that if I ever see one of them walking down the street, they won't keep walking.

By the end of the third day, I had a migraine (Which they accused me of faking), I was vomiting violently from pure terror (Which they accused me of faking again), I was dehydrated and had heat exhaustion (Once again, accused me of faking that too), and I collapsed several times in private because I was afraid to do it in public, because they might yell at me.

It turned out that I had a migraine, and I had heat exhaustion at the same time. Combined with the raw terror and hate that I experienced from them, I never, ever wanted to see another boot camp again. I quit the local group that I was apart of, and went to another one because I couldn't bear to see those officers again. I didn't attend the 'advanced' course, even though they said it would be mostly paperwork (which they said about the first one too).

Then, the next summer I went to a one week boot camp. This was the 'big thing', the 'real deal'. Unlike the previous three day camp, this one was sure to have been run by adults who knew what they were talking about, and would recognize physical symptoms, and give me a break if the migraines returned.

(The proof I had that they triggered the migraines, was that after I quit the organization, I stopped having migraines, even when I stopped my medication.)

The night before I went to the camp, I was literally shaking from the fear from the memories of the last camp. That night, I also had nightmares and was constantly in a cold sweat. I couldn't sleep, and I was terrified of what was going to happen to me. During the shower, I shook and puked.

The only reason I showed up to that damned camp, was because my parents had spent $200 some dollars on the camp, and they really wanted me to go. I knew that money was really tight, and I couldn't do that to them. (The camp wouldn't give refunds.)

When I got to the camp, I saw some of the same kids directing other cadets. I knew deep down in my gut (And learned out later from other cadets) that it was exactly like the three day camp I had been too before. It was the same atmosphere, the same thought process, the same everything. The only difference was that this was more official, and bigger.

They searched our stuff, and proceeded to yell at us for the next half hour, about every single mistake we had made. There was no mercy in their eyes, and they made as many derogatory comments as possible. The first hour, I had fell over on the inside of my foot and hurt it. I also had the migraine return. Yet, they made us run mile after mile, and march hour after hour. I began vomiting and puking that night. I didn't sleep that night, and by the beginning of the second day, I knew I couldn't stay there.

So, I went to the medical tent, and managed to convince them I was really sick by vomiting, and was allowed to leave. My parents didn't yell at me, but I knew they were angry at me. I could see it in their eyes that they hated the fact that I was sick, because it was costing them money. They hated me.

I haven't really talked about this camp since then, mainly because I was allowed to forget it. At least, I've never talked about it in enough detail that I had to remember it. Even writing this is really hard, because I do not want to remember this fucking camp ever again. I want to burn the place down to the ground, just to know no one will ever suffer that again.

This was nearly two years ago, and I haven't forgotten it. I seriously, haven't forgotten a second of that damned camp, and I can't seem to get over it. Knowing my girlfriend is at a band camp right now is wreaking even more havoc in my mind, because I can just imagine her being subjected to the same thing.

I don't know how to move on from this. It's something that still gives me nightmares, and yet I can't find some to move on from this. It's been two years since it happend, and I still feel the same terror just thinking about what they did.

How do I get past this?