HOLYFUCKINGSHIT.
My God these past two weeks have been a fucking blur.
So, to understand my rant here, you'll have to understand what has been happening in my life.
I moved to Canada for two months (I'm on the last month now) over the summer. The first day I got here, my dad's girlfriend's grandson was killed in a car accident. I got a job at my dad's store with my uncle. My uncle scares me, and I think he's an insolent fuck. My girlfriend went off to Band Camp, which was, for some odd reason, traumatic to me. My mom and I do not get along, and have never gotten along. I live with my dad right now, and I would rather live with him than my mom. I am, however, going to college in place of my last two years of highschool, which means if I wanted to continue that, I'd have to go there instead.
So things have been constantly crazy with me.
What's bothering me, is I just got an offer to live with my dad.
Had this been any other year, I would have taken it in a heartbeat. If I was in 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, or even at the beginning of 10th grade, I would have jumped at the chance to live with him. My dad and I are infinitely closer than my mom and I are. The only reason I am going back is because of college, and because I know what it's like not to have things. I never had much my entire life, and I am going to change that for my future.
What makes me want to stay is that I'm more comfortable up here. Up here, I could dye my hair, pierce my lip, tongue, eyebrow, penis, whatever, and he wouldn't care. It's essentially unconditional love, which is something that I've forgone my entire life.
My mother and I do not get along well. Sweet Jesus the Jewish Zombie, we do not get along. Any time we talk, and I am seriously not exagerrating here, we fight. You see, my mother and I only speak about my school work, and that happens 5-6 times a school year. When we do speak, it turns into essentially, her yelling and me and saying how "I am such a horrible child", and then she turns around and blames herself for being a horrible mother.
Getting away from that was a really good thing. A really, really good thing for me.
And now that she realizes that here, she is powerless, she's trying to get back closer to me.
You see, with my dad, she can not fucking touch me. At home, she could yell at me for not doing a whole bunch of things, or make me feel like shit.
Here, not only do I do my own chores and everything, but I volunteered a lot of my own time out to help with the kids that came in and out of the house, because of the death of their brother (My girlfriend's grandson). I now have a steady job, which I have been told I have an extremy good work ethic, which means a steady income. I also have my dad, who would help me through out school.
She doesn't control my money, my actions, or any little thing about me. I am virtually self-sufficent. When/if I go back, I will be her slave, and she'll contorl me. But here, she is completely fucking powerless, and I am letting her know that. I am tired of being her little slave. She's treated me like shit my entire life, and made me feel like shit. Now if she decides to confront me and go after me, I am not even going to blink when I tell her to fuck off, and I now know that if she tries any more shit like she has, I am walking out the door, and I am never coming back.
What makes it hard though, is now that I am far away, she is now beginning to act like she cares. Now that she realizes she has no power, she's trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty. It's to the point that I don't want to come back. College be damned, I'll do a four year college after highschool like everyone else. I'll give up all of my friends, if that is what is required.
It's just.... Damn these past two weeks have been crazy as fuck.