[Rae Ven Rae]

Wasn't sure if this should go here, esp if I am, quote unquote, whining on behalf of someone else--also, I realized as I was writing this, that Goths don't have this particular issue as much as mainstreamers because we are more progressive thinking...

Anway--my rant;

Chivalry is dead and women killed it. Dave Chapelle said that during a stand up performance and I felt robbed.

I had been saying it for years.

How did we kill it?

By sending men mixed signals.

We tell the world we value our independence, some of us going so far as to scream at a guy for having the courtesy to hold a door open for us so it doesn't smash us in the face, and yet, when we get married, some of us expect to be taken care of financially and emotionally, no matter how much money we ourselves personally make, frowning on men who don’t have high profile jobs, no matter their suitability as a partner.

Or we become so independent minded with an “I don’t need no man” attitude, that we make our partners feel like little more than a walking dildo.

Example -- a good friend of mine told me about a friend of hers who felt she had finally met her soul mate. The man was attractive, fun, decent, kind and loving. She was falling in love fast. On top of it all, he was a civic minded firefighter, beloved in his community. But when she was relating her confusion about the relationship, it had nothing to do with whether or not the guy was decent. It had to do with the fact that he was a fireman and had a low paying job.

“I make eighty-thousand dollars a year – I want a mate who makes at least that much,” She sniffed.

So she dumped him.

They remained casual friends. Some time passed and he got engaged. He invited her to the engagement party, and when she went to his home she discovered that dude was living in a mansion – he was a millionaire—he only volunteered as a fireman!

He had kept his wealth a secret so he would be assured that the woman he was with loved him for him and not his money.

In the end, he found the woman who was perfect for him—the one who accepted him as a fireman.

Talk about a karmic bitch slap! LOL…

Another case in point, a fellow singer I heard tale of was constantly gold digging. During a very ritzy, high profile gig, she met a man, an ugly little French fellow who barely spoke English, who hit on her the entire evening.

She snubbed him , later joking to her friends that she had been followed around all night by a funny little French man with a cheesy accent.

She soon found out that the dude was a Prince.

Needless to say that blew chicha’s high.

And good for her.

She didn’t like him before—so what changed? He was Danny Davito in her eyes, but suddenly a title turned him into Ville Valo…

Sadly, many American women do just this sort of thing – we toss aside the garbage man with a heart a gold for a surgeon who yes, makes a 100 K a year, but when you are no longer a trophy wife, he will cheat on you with his nurses…

We want equality, but the man has to pay for every date or he is looked down upon. We want to be put on pedestals, but frown on a woman who wants to do the same for her man. We want our emotional needs met, but when a man expresses a desire that is not feminine (because hey, they are men, not women) we scoff, demean them and make fun.

A good example of this is how men have to have space. They do. It makes them feel independent and not chained--this is very important to the male psyche. But when a man says this, what do we do. We get all freaked out, call our girlfriends and make him feel like a jerk for a very legitimate male needs.

Ladies, we have to admit it. An unfair tide has turned in our country. Where once we were downtrodden and had no voice, the roles are reversed and it is men who are in this position.

I say this because, I see more and more, where men appear to have to place their emotional wants and needs on a back burner in relationships, when we should be more understanding of those needs.

Other prime examples. We get pissed off if our man tries to tell us what to do, who to see and where to go--but he has to consult with us for his every move.

I've been privy to occasions where a man will tell his woman, "Hey I am going to go up the street and see so and so"…

And a girl exclaims, "No, hell you won't!". This is often met by heart amen’s from the gal pals.

Back that up.

Say you told you man "Hey, I am going to the store with so and so and I'll be back in a minute."

What would we say if he told us, "No hell you won't?"

Dude would be sleeping on the couch.

See what I am saying?

How is that fair?

Two grown people who love and trust one another, should be able to make plans—without constantly having to okay it with one another. To be sure, no girl or guy should be out every night -- if that were the case, why be in a relationship? But, you should be able to have a guy or girls night out without constantly having to check in.

If you married someone you cannot trust, whose fault is that?

We tend to know very early on if the partner we have chosen is trustworthy--I know a woman who married a dude knowing he had a drug problem and had cheated on his ex wife--now that he is abusing drugs heavily once more and sleeping around she is pissed -- but she shares part of the blame in her own fix.

If you chose someone with whom you can give your whole heart and all your trust they do not need a leash.

Now of course, if you make pre plans then altering those on the fly is another matter--you should always value the time you set aside for one another.

Mutual respect is the cornerstone of relationships.

Men value their independence just like we do, and they should have a healthy outlet to express it.

Also, we want our men to be there emotionally for us right? If we are scared, we want to be held, if we are down , we want to be talked to, but if lets say, our man is going through a mid life crisis, we poke fun, ridicule and withdraw our affections, telling them to get over it?

If you were PMSing and your guys said, hell doll, get over it –well, the funeral would be lovely.

But we have no room for empathy or sympathy for male chemical emotional cycles and fluctuations, which is essentially what a mid life crisis (it is both psychological and physiological).

Don't our men's emotional needs matter?

Another case in point – we are constantly wanting our men to reassure us that they love us, find us a beautiful, attractive – yet if a man reaches out for this same comfort we tell him he is filled with “testosterone”, and wants his “ego stroked.”

Who doesn’t want their ego stroked once in a while?

If we want him to say, “Darling, I think you are the sexiest woman in the world,” then what is wrong with us saying, “Baby, you are such a hunk and I adore you…” or some variant thereof…

And yes—men are filled with testosterone – so what? This isn’t an inherently bad thing.

They are, after all, men—we are different—and that is not an evil thing.

Look it, we say we don't want to be treated like objects, and for men to have a regard for our well being, but in turn we view men like walking checkbooks, placing value on them based on what they earn.

This is not to say that the modern woman don’t face real modern issues and concerns, or that men are totally innocent in their portion of bad behaviors in the dating game, I am saying that part of the issues we may be having in this arena is due to women not owning up to the fact that we are placing our emotional well being on the shoulders of men and giving very little emotional support back.

My husband and are I are very independent natured -- he knows that I trust and love him so he is free to do what he likes, all I have to do is know so I don't worry, but it's not like he has to consult with me.

I let him be him, and he lets me be me.

But guess what--becasue he knwos he has that freedom he barely uses that card--thats' right. We are inseparable. He knows he is free, but he chooses to be by my side -- and I by his side.

It feels good knowing that, if he had a choice, he chooses to be with me.

We are also respectful of one another needs and desires. I mean, even in the little things. I never have to ask him to put the toilet seat down or take out the trash. He never has to ask me to hold him, talk to him, listen or even, give him space.

I adore him like no other being I have ever met--he is the light in my eyes and I don't care who knows it.

In time, our dynamic may change, and that's okay too--nothing is static, we all evolve and grow -- but I will accept him as he comes to me, faults and all, fears and all, needs in all, whether he has money or not.

Let us accept that doctors and lawyers who look like Brad Pitt are not the only men worth marrying, and maybe relations between the sexes will improve all around...