[L'Oiseau Noir]

I see a lot of errors that could be straightened out. As H.P said, the story concept has potential, but the way it's been executed wasn't very good.

For example, the first part:

"You're just scared,said John. (Whenever you use "said" as a speaker tag, a comma is used [I think that speaks for its synonyms too, like whined, growled, etc. If I recall correctly, it only changes when you put some intensity into the sentence, like a cry or something. Also, this is a sentence, so you end it with a period).

"SHUT UP!" yelled Tom, his brother."Go to your room!" (You never capitalize the beginning of a speaker tag, unless it's a proper noun like a name).

With their parents away, Tom and John were left alone in their home without anyone to watch over them. With only a note glued to the fridge, Tom was reminded to watch over his younger brother because their uncle had gone on a date with his fiance. (I used the subordinate conjunction, because, to join these two thoughts. I also reworded it to make it sound a bit better). By 7 pm, Tom prepared dinner for the two of them (you're using a comma splice here--it's when you join two complete thoughts together with a comma. Commas aren't strong enough to join two sentences together alone, so you'd use a semicolon or a conjunction like 'and') he went upstairs to call his younger brother.


Okay, moving on...

"C'mon John, let's have dinner," (again, when using "said" or a synonym of it as a speaker tag, you use a comma) said Tom as he turned on the lights.

There was nothing but silence in the room. (Complete sentence, end it here). Across the room there was a small bed draped with light blue blankets. Tom went near the bed and pulled the blankets down--to his surprise his brother wasn't there anymore! (Okay, for this entire paragraph... it's got to go. There is absolutely no description whatsoever here... you're telling, not showing. Add more details and synonyms for 'blanket' and 'room' to make it better, and maybe some other details about the room like a curious-looking clock, or other weird baubles).


Tom ran down the stairs as fast as his feet could carry him, and he went outside their home, running toward the street. On his way out he tripped and fell face first. A piece of paper lay near him with a map drawn on it, and he noticed that the map led to the rumored haunted house Lovencraft Manor!


You know what... I can't stand this anymore. Trying to correct this is torture.

Here's why, read below.

There isn't enough details, you hardly use conjunctions and subordinate conjunctions where they're supposed to be used, there are run-on sentences galore, the dialog is flaky, a good number of your sentences are fragments or comma splices, you begin paragraphs when it's unnecessary to do so, and your description is flatter than soda that's been left out for far too long. If I were you, I'd do what I did and pick up a copy of English Grammar for Dummies.

It really helped me out, and it definitely will help you out as well... so, go and look into it. Now.

And I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh, but if you intend to go anywhere with your writing you must learn to endure criticism, no matter how terrible it sounds. I learned the hard way that to scorn your critics is the worse thing you can possibly do. The things they told me were helpful, but all I did was shrug them off because I found it too offending. Now I regret it--I need harsh critics to better my writing. After all, I'm aiming to publish my own original novel, so I'll need all the grammar-savvy people I can get to look at my work.

If you need help though in any of your future projects, I'll help you to the best of my ability. I never claimed to be an expert though, so don't expect top-notch critiquing. I try my best at it, and that's all I can offer you--my best effort.