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Originally Posted by Pineapple_Juice
It's the title, methinks.
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Well, for the first thing I have read on this sight, it's okay. The title had thinking OH great a poem. I love poetry especially epic stuff but it was a short story.
There were a few glitches that are probably personal preferences on my part. I personally would have described the looks of shock on the victims faces, humanized the guy a little more especially at the end and and threw more personal drama in during as he vocalized his telling of what happened. This is just an example :
With empty, hollow eyes, and a voice that seemed to belong to someone else," All my life I have heard voices," he began.
"Voices?" Chris asked silently, afraid of what the next words out of his friends mouth were going to be.
"Yes,voices ," he answered with with something between sorrow and despair, " And this isn't the first time I've killed someone."
"James, " was all he could say , the shock of what his friend was telling him was starting to set in.
Then when he first saw Sarah's body. Ask yourself is this the way I would react if I found a body in my friends room especially his wives? Would I freaked out just a little bit more than that or would I have just said what the fuck in a loud voice and shook a little like this guy.
Tighten up the intro a little, that was a little boring . Ask yourself as your writing something is this enough or too much, does it keep the readers attention or am I going to loose them, and is this the best I can do? And always ask How can it be better.
I have a feeling you can do better, but it wasn't half bad.