Quote:
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Originally Posted by Jillian May Scortfil
Autumn of prison
Little boy lost
In the crimson fall...
Autumn has his heart
Claws his way through the dark
Little boy lost
In the grey fog...
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The line I have in bold is one you should change, it breaks what rhythm you had and trips up the reader. You don't seem to have a set rhythm pattern, but that line just sticks out like a sore thumb.