[Apathy's_Child]

To be blunt, it shows that you've never studied poetry or, I'd imagine, read a great deal of it before writing. The meaning wasn't strong enough to prop up the cliche - cliche only REALLY works in parodies once it's become cliche. I really think it's worth trying something different.

And however quickly you wrote it, that is not your natural voice unless you roll around talking like the bastard child of Celine Dion and Aragorn.