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Some people write their emotions out to mitigate the ambivalence they feel. I can understand the pain you must be going through - the jumbled sentence structure (not criticism) underscores the positive and negative valences you exhibit - it is not that you react unlogically, but merely because you are in a cumbersome state of mind. From your choice of language, I can see that you are truly torn between feelings of love and readiness in your pride...time will eventually heal such wounds. 'You just have to be willing to apply a plaster over it.'
Keep writing to find the balance you're searching for. You can do it.
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"Evil is a point of view. God kills indiscriminately and so shall we. For no creatures under God are as we are, none so like him as ourselves." - Anne Rice
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