[Apathy's_Child]

To be honest, I think this is short and simple enough that fucking around with it would be difficult without ruining it. Maybe the way to go from here is taking on board the weak points, and just writing more. I kind of think poetry is like singing in a sense - once you have the fundamentals, which you do, it's better to sing a range of different songs and move on even if they're not perfect, than it is to just hammer away at the first one you try.

Okay, since I've already told you what I like about it, I guess the only real weak point would be lack of flow. It's not very musical. that kind of works here, since the image it evokes (to me) has kind of a wind-up doll sort of feel, so the stilted flow doesn't work against the subject matter too much. But it could have been more rhythmic even in that context, I think. All you need to do is be aware of your stresses, which is why I personally find it's good to read poems aloud to yourself. if it's difficult to do without manufacturing pauses that don't come naturally, then a little tweaking is in order.