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JCC. · 07-01-2010, 04:41 PM

PRO TIP: Chicks say that shit so as not to hurt your feelings, because they are stupid.

On the whole, laydeez will go for big beefcake fucks because that's what they're programmed to do. Ms. Cavelady wasn't gonna be doing right by the species if she had sex with Pee Wee Herman, you dig? So, along comes Stone Cold Steve Ugsten, puts his penis in her yazuzu a number of times and she farts out a bloody mess which, through the magic of television, would later become known as a baby. Suddenly, Steve doesn't look so hot. He's pretty fucking stupid. Sure, he can hunt, but because he's so fucking thick he may as well be sitting down watching 3rd Rock From The Sun with one hand down his leopard skin thong. Then, Pee Wee, with his gentle nature, smarts, and ability to not punch her in the face as a form of foreplay seems pretty attractive. By this point, Steve has forgotten his address and had to leave town because he missed a court date, also because he is dumb.

In other words, you look like a shit lay, but a fucking fantastic babysitter.

There are ways around this. First off, and this is the most important part, so go get a permanent marker and write this on the back of your hand:

"DO NOT BE A PUSSY."

I hope you did that, because it is the single most important piece of advice you will ever get regarding getting chicks. Attitude, when faced with bangable babes, is around 80% of the work. Approximately 6% of that is learning to look like you're listening, and even being able to automatically give correct answers despite not paying any attention. The rest is your ability to give head. I am fucking terrible in bed, but I manage to convince ladies to sleep with me because they're the retarded offspring of Steve and can't tell the difference between good sex and good head, unless She's Janeane Garofalo, I don't know why.

THE ALMIGHTY LIST (May be updated casually):

GOOD:

Being manly
Agreeing that there is more than one shade of white
Chinese from last week is not breakfast
Fix that broken shit
Matthew McConawhateverthefuck, the dude who can't stand up right
E!
Expensive shit
Smelling nice
Remembering shit
Remembering her name
Remembering she's your girlfriend or something
Space (Not the the outer variety. This is subject to change)
Stuff she likes
Beards (They will deny this)
Inside out underwear is not clean
Giving good head
Smelling like a sweaty ball sack
Affection
Babies
Letting them have independence

BAD:

Being manly
Expensive shit
Too much / little space
Showing too much affection
Showing too little affection
Showing the same amount of affection all of the time
Beards
Smelling like a sweaty ball sack
Crying
Not having enough emotion
Why is that shit still broken?
Not wanting to have sex
Always wanting to have sex
Having a sexual routine
What, you think she's some baby machine? Pig...........
Having no money (I.E, it would help if they had a job)

You may notice there is an overlap. This makes sense once reminded it is a short lecture on chicks.

Always remember, girls do not want a boyfriend persay. Mostly, they want a boyfriend better than their friends (See: Hand). Relationships are like top trumps, only if Top Trumps was invented by Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes, and also he was a sadistic retard. That isn't to say they do things out of malice (PRO TIP: They do). Rather, they do these things because half the time they do not know what they want, which is why I recommend you buy a very large box to keep receipts in.

Always remember, let them know they're beautiful and wonderful and lie as much as possible. But don't tell them they are too great, or they might figure out you are not Steve. Also, cow licks are not cool.

If you can complete this task, you are ready for a girlfriend:

Eat your own foot. Using absolutely no anaesthetic, or cutting it off or whatever. Just pull your foot up to your face, and eat it. The whole thing. Once finished, you will be minus one foot, but plus one fucking bad ass story about why you only have one foot. This makes chicks wet in their vaginas. It helps if you own a leather jacket, and can hit a radio to make the DJ play the song she likes ("The Ballad Of Matthew McConawhateverthefuck", I think. Bon Jovi Feat. Alison Moyet).

And whatever you, under NO circumsances, no MATTER WHAT, do you cross the streams.

07-01-2010, 04:41 PM	#4
JCC. Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 208	PRO TIP: Chicks say that shit so as not to hurt your feelings, because they are stupid. On the whole, laydeez will go for big beefcake fucks because that's what they're programmed to do. Ms. Cavelady wasn't gonna be doing right by the species if she had sex with Pee Wee Herman, you dig? So, along comes Stone Cold Steve Ugsten, puts his penis in her yazuzu a number of times and she farts out a bloody mess which, through the magic of television, would later become known as a baby. Suddenly, Steve doesn't look so hot. He's pretty fucking stupid. Sure, he can hunt, but because he's so fucking thick he may as well be sitting down watching 3rd Rock From The Sun with one hand down his leopard skin thong. Then, Pee Wee, with his gentle nature, smarts, and ability to not punch her in the face as a form of foreplay seems pretty attractive. By this point, Steve has forgotten his address and had to leave town because he missed a court date, also because he is dumb. In other words, you look like a shit lay, but a fucking fantastic babysitter. There are ways around this. First off, and this is the most important part, so go get a permanent marker and write this on the back of your hand: "DO NOT BE A PUSSY." I hope you did that, because it is the single most important piece of advice you will ever get regarding getting chicks. Attitude, when faced with bangable babes, is around 80% of the work. Approximately 6% of that is learning to look like you're listening, and even being able to automatically give correct answers despite not paying any attention. The rest is your ability to give head. I am fucking terrible in bed, but I manage to convince ladies to sleep with me because they're the retarded offspring of Steve and can't tell the difference between good sex and good head, unless She's Janeane Garofalo, I don't know why. THE ALMIGHTY LIST (May be updated casually): GOOD: Being manly Agreeing that there is more than one shade of white Chinese from last week is not breakfast Fix that broken shit Matthew McConawhateverthefuck, the dude who can't stand up right E! Expensive shit Smelling nice Remembering shit Remembering her name Remembering she's your girlfriend or something Space (Not the the outer variety. This is subject to change) Stuff she likes Beards (They will deny this) Inside out underwear is not clean Giving good head Smelling like a sweaty ball sack Affection Babies Letting them have independence BAD: Being manly Expensive shit Too much / little space Showing too much affection Showing too little affection Showing the same amount of affection all of the time Beards Smelling like a sweaty ball sack Crying Not having enough emotion Why is that shit still broken? Not wanting to have sex Always wanting to have sex Having a sexual routine What, you think she's some baby machine? Pig........... Having no money (I.E, it would help if they had a job) You may notice there is an overlap. This makes sense once reminded it is a short lecture on chicks. Always remember, girls do not want a boyfriend persay. Mostly, they want a boyfriend better than their friends (See: Hand). Relationships are like top trumps, only if Top Trumps was invented by Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes, and also he was a sadistic retard. That isn't to say they do things out of malice (PRO TIP: They do). Rather, they do these things because half the time they do not know what they want, which is why I recommend you buy a very large box to keep receipts in. Always remember, let them know they're beautiful and wonderful and lie as much as possible. But don't tell them they are too great, or they might figure out you are not Steve. Also, cow licks are not cool. If you can complete this task, you are ready for a girlfriend: Eat your own foot. Using absolutely no anaesthetic, or cutting it off or whatever. Just pull your foot up to your face, and eat it. The whole thing. Once finished, you will be minus one foot, but plus one fucking bad ass story about why you only have one foot. This makes chicks wet in their vaginas. It helps if you own a leather jacket, and can hit a radio to make the DJ play the song she likes ("The Ballad Of Matthew McConawhateverthefuck", I think. Bon Jovi Feat. Alison Moyet). And whatever you, under NO circumsances, no MATTER WHAT, do you cross the streams.