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Old 07-02-2010, 04:47 AM   #22
Xombie
 
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 2,044
That was not written very well at all, and the ending was just sort of thrown in there. I pictured you reading the story out loud, and it was as if you needed to finish it really quickly so you just sped through the last few sentences.
Also, if you're going to use "gonna" (the old man said he were gonna solve...), perhaps you could put what he's saying in quotation marks, because I was really thrown off by that.
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