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I don't know who the original author was. But I always send this around this time of year. (They're already blaring Christmas music at the damn grocery store) They just can't wait four more weeks.
Twas the Night before Christmas
Old Santa was pissed!
He cussed out the elves and threw down the list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my butt for almost a year,
instead of "Thanks Santa!" - What do I hear?
The old lady bitches, cause I work late at night,
The elves want more money - the reindeer all fight!
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those jerks from IRS sent me a letter.
It says I owe taxes.. if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days- they are all the pits
They want the impossible, those mean little shits!
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls, their arms, legs, and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's - no request for them.
They all want computers.. they think I'm IBM!
If you think that is bad.. just picture this..
Try holding those little brats, with their pants full of piss.
They pull at your nose, they grab at my beard
And if I smile, the parent's think that I'm weird.
Flying though the air, dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quittin this job, there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat butt and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason..
I've found me a blonde... I'm going south for the season!
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