Quote:
Originally Posted by TheFeatheredÆtheling
However, the nuances here are undoubtedly the best thing about this poem (and there are many of them). Without mentioning "God", "angels", "Heaven", or "Hell" directly, the poem's meaning is clear.
|
I wouldn't really call stuff like:
Divinely charged this sombre role
~A burden mine alone~
To extricate the human soul
From its fleshly throne.
or
Through the heavens I shall bear
Your riven soul to meet
The One who sits exalted there:
Upon the judgement seat.
examples of "nuanced" writing. Those are really more
blantant uses of religious language and imagery. Your description of death as riding a "pallid horse" and armed with a "bitter blade" is pretty much the popular grim-reaper trope played straight (though it seems to be a sword, not a scythe).
I don't really have a problem with your capitalization of "The One" as I would probaby do the same thing if I were to use that term to refer to God.
Overall, I would agree with Kontan's assesment of this poem as "Sophmoric" and I think it kinda does sound like a "Death Metal Prayer".
In that respect, it's a successful poem, as I assume that's what you wanted to write, a straightforward Medieval depiction of death in a Christian mythological context. Not really my thing, I perfer to play with established tropes but ehh, it's by no means the worst poem ever posted on this site.
I'd delete or re-write this stanza:
No one comprehends my stride;
No one knows my way.
Upon a pallid horse I ride,
Wand'ring night and day.
It's really just padding and doesn't add anything to what you're trying to say, except the fact that Death is on a horse. Referring to it as "Wand'ring" is also problematic, as for the rest of the poem, death seems to be very purpose driven and meticulous. I really don't see him just running around the world all willy-nilly reaping people when he accidentally runs into them.