|
Sir Canvas, I chose "The Destroyer" for the title because Death is often referred to as "The Destroying Angel", but calling the poem the latter would have been spoon-feeding. My title is a bit weak as it is though; it sounds uninspired. As for the destructive connotations associated with Death, this was completely intentional. It may not be innovative, but innovation is not the point here.
Alan, I realise that this type of poetry sounds pretentious to many people (Apathy hasn't shown up, but he always hassles me about my use of dated language). I'm not avant-garde; in fact, I'm actually more of reactionary, I guess. My poetry will never appeal to a wide audience, but it doubtless appeals to some people. Though it's technically flawed (I can still fix it), this poem does actually have a relatively good metre. It's not the number of syllables in the line that's important; it's the number of stressed syllables and their placement in the line. Unstressed syllables can be added without breaking the rhythm, particularly in the beginning or ending of lines, depending on how obsessive you want to get about the pattern. Actually, most poetry leaves room for flexibility - sometimes a lot of flexibility. Consider the following excerpt from one of my personal favourites, Alfred Noyes' "The Highwayman":
He'd a French cocked-hat on his forehead, a bunch of lace at his chin,
A coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of brown doe-skin;
They fitted with never a wrinkle: his boots were up to the thigh!
And he rode with a jewelled twinkle,
His pistol butts a-twinkle,
His rapier hilt a-twinkle, under the jewelled sky.
Notice the metre and syllable count. I realise that this is a different metre altogether, but you can still see that Noyes was far looser with his metre in the above poem than I've been in mine. It's fine though; he's a master, and his poem is a classic. Overall rhythm is the most important aspect of the technical side of poetry.
Despanan, You're right that the language is blatantly religious in places, but it's subtle enough for my intentions. I don't want my writing to be too cryptic for a person of normal education to understand its meaning. Writing a death metal prayer definitely wasn't my goal, and I'm not interested in fads. As you suspected though, I was trying to establish a mediæval mood. In fact, I decided to write this after seeing Hans Memling's "Last Judgment" Triptych. I agree with you completely that the second stanza should be eliminated. For the record, I read your works and would comment on them, but I don't know the first thing about drama.
Many thanks to all of you for your honest critique of my work.
|