[Versus]

TOP-DOWN CAMERA PANS SLOWLY ACROSS THE DIMLY LIT REFUSE OF A NEGLECTED MOTEL ROOM. EMPTY WHISKEY BOTTLES AND THE REMAINS OF CHINESE DELIVERY ARE STREWN ABOUT EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE ABOVE THE FLOOR. AMID THE REMAINS OF A HARD NIGHT'S DRINKING, A PASSED OUT VERSUS LIES SPRAWLED ACROSS A SPOILED BED IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM. LIKE A COILED COBRA MOMENTS FROM STRIKING, HE POSSESS AN AURA OF UNBRIDLED DOOM, EVEN IN SLEEP.

A HELICOPTER'S WHIRLING ROTOR BLADES CAN BE HEARD AMONG INTERMITTENT EXPLOSIONS IN THE DISTANCE, BUT HE REMAINS AS AN UNDISTURBED CORPSE. ONLY THE SOUND OF A STATIC RIDDEN RADIO TRANSMISSION ROUSES FAINT SIGNS OF LIFE IN HIS RIDICULOUSLY CHISELED BODY.

???: Versus!

MORE EXPLOSIONS IN THE DISTANCE. VERSUS GRUMBLES. THE SOUND IS SIMILAR TO WHAT AN IRRITATED BEAR MIGHT SOUND LIKE, BE HE WOULD NOT KNOW BECAUSE BEARS ARE SO AFRAID OF HIM.

???: Versus, wake up!

Versus: Colonel, [coughing up cigarettes mixed with a substance vaguely familiar in color and consistency to scrambled eggs] I'm greased. Leave me [Cough] and save yourself!

SEVERAL CLOSER EXPLOSIONS CAUSE HIS EARS TO RING AND THE GROUND TO SHAKE VIOLENTLY.

HumanePain: [In a voice undistorted by the deliverance of an old radio receiver] VERSUS,

OPEN THIS DOOR!

VERSUS' EYES EXPLODE OPEN. THE SOUNDS OF EXPLOSIONS AND CHOPPERS CEASE AND ARE REPLACED BY A KNOCKING AT THE DOOR AND A FAINT FLAPPING SOUND. AS HIS EYES FOCUS, HE IDENTIFIES THE LATTER OF A SLOW SPINNING CEILING FAN THAT STRUGGLES TO MOVE IT'S OWN WEIGHT. HE SHAKES THE MEMORIES OF A DISTANT BATTLEFIELD AND ROLLS OFF THE BED IN A HUNG OVER EFFORT SIT UP. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS, HE MANAGES TO SHAMBLE TO THE DOOR. RELEASING HALF A DOZEN DEAD BOLTS, HE OPENS IT TO BLAST HP IN THE FACE WITH A RELEASE OF HOT AIR THAT HAD BEEN TRAPPED IN THE MOTEL ROOM FOR A WEEK.

HP: Jesus, Versus! [Gagging sheepishly] It smells like a Thai hooker in there.

V: Really? [Glancing behind himself] I thought they left.

HP: Damn it, man! Have you been rotting here since the war? You look like a mess.

V: [Waving HP in as he approaches a cabinet to remove a pair of mostly-clean shot glasses] War is a messy affair, Colonel. Sometimes you can't clean the stains it leaves. Oxyclean, Mr. Clean, Pinesol... they can't wipe away the memories. [searching through a dozen bottles for any remaining booze] I'd expect you to know that more then anyone.

HP: [Finickingly brushing aside garbage resting upon a nearby chair to sit] I disagree, friend. You would be surprised what a pleasant demeanour and a pocket thesaurus can obfuscate! Not a soul within G.Net posses' an inkling concerning the beast I once was.

V: [Grinning triumphantly at having found a half-empty bottle, he pours a pair of drinks and hands one to HP] Whatever. The Colonel I remember knew how to say "cock-sucker" in as many ways as he could kill shit.

HP: [Raising his drink to toast with a smirk] To sending sausage-smokers to their knob-gobblin' maker. [Taking a long pull of his drink, he seems lost in thought for a moment before he returns to reality] I prefer Tea. Do you have any?

V: ...

HP: [Dismissively] But that's neither here, nor there... how goes it, V? Still introducing asphyxiation to your lessers?

V: [Amused] The only thing I choke these days is my cock-suckin' dick. I've been leeching off disability as much as I can, but I can barely afford to drown my sorrow in booze or rent porn. It's been hard.

HP: Disability, again? I have already informed you: A permanent 5 o'clock shadow and a restructured face in the shape of a scowl is not a disability.

V: [Indignantly] Fucker, Why don't you try getting a job looking like an offended Clint Eastwood? [adopting a serious tone] But I doubt you're here to shoot the shit with me. What do you want?

HP: [Defeated] Very well. I will be frank. [Ominously] G.Net needs you, V. Now, more then ever. Tragedy has struck. Not long ago, SSJ_Goku, Catch, as well as Superman and LexLuthor, all posted simultaneously. We are still uncertain how, but it seems that their combined insanity created a rift in the fabric of the forums.

V: [Scratching his head] My quantum mechanics are a little rusty.

HP: [Undeterred] The sticky threads, Versus: The barriers that separate our forum from "the next." They have collapsed. Without regulation, there is no rule of law. It is utter chaos. The Introductions are being flooded with agents from Vampirefreaks and Blueblood. TV, Movies, and Games currently have over 500 new threads about Twilight.

V: That's pretty typical, though.

HP: The Inuyasha manga is a commonly discussed topic in Literature.

V: [Gagging harshly] I feel sick.

HP: [Wiping a tear with a pocket handkerchief] You would fall upon your knees if you only saw the misery in the Whining... but that is not everything. In the turbulence of this madness, the trolls have played their hand. They've taken Apathy's Child hostage, as well as our beloved Godslayer Jillian.

V: [Confused] Who?

HP: [Flatly] Alan.

V: [Comprehending] Ohhhhhh.

HP: They claim that if their demands remain unmet, they will convert them into trolls and unleash them upon us. Imagine, for a moment, the destruction that could be wrought.

V: [Disbelief] What could a troll want from you?

HP: [Looking Versus strait in the eye] They want to be moderators, V. They want to reshape G.Net in their image.

V: [Acutely sobered] That's some serious shit to wake up to... but I still don't see where I come in. I left the forums. I've been busy.

HP: Because if you do not do something, tyranny will triumph.

V: And I care because?

HP: Because if you do not do something, it's unlikely you'll earn any notoriety at all, regardless of what you say. Writing a parody full of the more sociable members is the only method to cement yourself.

V: [Raising his voice in rage] Seriously! Apathy's Child wrote like 3 pages of literary masturbation and it already has over 3,000 views and hundreds of comments. HUNDREDS. My manly thread does not even approach that level of awesome. And it's a thread about MANLINESS.

HP: Now you understand the gravity of our peril.

V: [Deadly serious, he raises a hand to form a fist. Looking back towards HP, but without dropping it] When do I start?