[Saya]

CAMERA PANS AROUND A LARGE DIMLY LIT ROOM. BOOKSHELVES LINE THE WALLS, CRAMMED FULL WITH ANCIENT TOMES WHOSE NAMES CANNOT REALLY BE READ FROM THE DISTANCE, WE'LL PROBABLY FILL IT UP WITH CARBOARD CUT OUTS. THE ROOM ITSELF IS ALSO FILLED WITH BOOKSHELF UPON BOOKSHELF, A SMALL PERSONAL LIBRARY. UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS, THE KIND THAT PROMISES HIGH ADVENTURE AND GOOD TIMES FOR ALL.

THE CAMERA EVENTUALLY REVEALS SAYA SITTING IN THE CORNER IN A HUGE ARMCHAIR, WRAPPED UP WITH A WARM BLANKET, AND A LARGE OMINOUS TOME OPEN IN HER LAP. PURRING ON THE LEFT ARM OF THE CHAIR IS HER FAVOURITE KITTY CAT WHO REALLY WANTED TO MAKE A CAMEO. HERE THERE IS PEACE.

THE PEACE IS BROKEN BY THE SOUND OF AN OPENING DOOR, AND SOON APATHY STEPS OUT FROM BEHIND A BOOKSHELF. SAYA FROWNS AND PUTS HER BOOK ASIDE.

Apathy: So, here's where you're hiding.

Saya: There's no where else to go, Apathy, all the tubes are blocked up.

Apathy: Not all of them, Saya.

Saya: All the ones I'd like to travel through are. Anyway, I doubt you'd make it to my small corner if it wasn't important.

Apathy: You're right, lets just get down to it. [pulls a chair across from Saya, sits and opens a briefcase. He hands Saya a folder.] From the time the trouble started, there have been sightings of Trolls who didn't have any troubles accessing the tubes, even the ones that are supposed to be completely blocked off. I sent a small team to track them, and they managed to download this document before they were discovered. We think the Trolls are probably behind this. Trouble is, there are things in the documents that we can't make out, and with all search engines down, we're at a loss. I was hoping you could tell us what this means.

Saya: [reads through the document, at first amused, and a few giggles escape. But then her face suddenly becomes serious. She reads it twice, then puts it down and shakes her head.] How reliable is your source?

Apathy: Absolutely reliable.

Saya: [grows pale, and sink back into her chair.] This is terrible, Apathy.

Apathy: What? What does it mean?

Saya: Well, I suppose that you read that they are looking for The Holy Prepuce. Its an ancient relic that went missing years ago, although it was considered important, no one really knew what powers it possessed. It seems that whoever these people are, they discovered its true power. Apathy, they are trying to take over the internet, but that is only the first step of their true plan.

Apathy: Wait, this thing is real? We thought it must be code for something. What does an ancient relic have to do with modern day internet?

Saya: Well, really its just a plot device. And a pretty funny one. Its also going to make this adventure educational.

Apathy: Edu...cational?

Saya: Oh hell yes. We might learn a thing or two.

Apathy: Okay, so how does this relic exactly help the Trolls take over the internet?

Saya: To my understanding, they are blocking the tubes of the internet to make it impossible for others to travel, ultimately we'll be unable to stop them once they uncover The Prepuce. The internet, you see, is not a dump truck...

Apathy: I'm not an idiot, I fucking know its a series of tubes. Get on with it.

Saya: Okay, so you know everything about tubes, how this reality was established, how we use pictures of cute animals as currency, how we organize ourselves by site allegiance...

Apathy: Yes yes yes, no exposition or explanation required. None whatsoever.

Saya: Okay, so, The Prepuce was stolen in the eighties to allow internet to develop at a frightening rate, it is the door between the two worlds. It will give them the ability not only to control what goes through the tubes, but they will also gain the ability to travel outside the tubes. The internet will leak out into real life. This is their goal.

Apathy: [grows pale himself] My god. The real world?

Saya: Yes, Apathy. President Salad Fingers will invade Iraq, 4Chan will reign the streets at night, Inception really ends in a Rick Roll, we'll meet our true selves, and no doubt be driven to depression and suicide as a result. The fools, they're disturbing the natural order of things. The fabric of our universes might be torn apart, this could mean the end of both worlds.

Apathy: I see where this is going. We have to find the Prepuce. What does it look like?

Saya: Erm, well, its held in a jeweled box...um, its kinda...um...[grows red from embarrassment]

Apathy: What? What is it? Is this a hentai thing?

Saya: Well, no, not exactly...What the Prepuce is, is, well, um...the foreskin of Jesus Christ.

Apathy:...WHAT?

Saya: Its true! See, people used to keep relics, like a strand of hair from The Virgin Mary, some straw from the manager where Jesus was born...why wouldn't they keep his foreskin if they thought to preserve the straw from the stable he was born in?

Apathy: And this is where the power of the internet comes from?!

Saya: Absolutely! Where did you think it came from? Science?

Apathy: Okay, okay...so, we need to find this box.

Saya: Well, have fun!

Apathy: What? You have to come with me, Saya. You're the one wasting your life studying this shit, this is just about the only time its going to come in handy. Its going to save the world!

Saya: Well that's just it, Apathy, I only know about the Prepuce because its fucking funny to think about people going on a pilgrimage to honour the foreskin of Jesus Christ. The tubes to my university's website is blocked, I can't access any verified information, most of what I have here is is Eastern religion stuff. Why didn't you ask someone who probably knows more? I'd ask Humane.

Apathy: There's the problem, Saya. Humane was leading the team that discovered the document. After they were found out, he disappeared.

Saya: [gets up slowly, folds her arms and walks toward a window. She stares out into the night, sighs, and then grabs a hat and a whip hanging on the side of a shelf.] Alright, I'm in. I can't leave the internet, real life AND Humane in terrible peril. I'm going to need help in the tubes, though.

Apathy: [nods] We can definitely navigate them with the help of other Gnet members. Any idea of where we should start?

Saya: Well, our source to reliable, peer reviewed materials is gone, so where do we go? [strikes a heroic pose, her face lighting up] To Wikipedia!