[Ben Lahnger]

See, that "Maybe I could have fixed it" thing, that's part of the guilt I'm talking about. It's extremely unlikely you could have fixed much of anything without more willing participation on the part of your partner. And it's typical of guys to think they have to fix things, even when it's a thing that they cannot fix. I think we're wired that way.

Here's one example from my many-chaptered experience with learning to not blame myself for some relationship failures: my ex-wife had a multitude of problems that stemmed mostly from growing up with an alcoholic father. One of the problems was that she had tremendous self-esteem issues. From poor body-image to lack of confidence in her own abilities to function as an adult, she struggled. And for years I thought I could help by being supportive and giving her compliments. But no matter how supportive I was, nothing changed. And she busied herself getting a degree in social work and helping others, but would not consider that she was engaging in such behavior to distract herself from her own problems. She never would get help, and nothing I did helped.

So when she started engaging in behavior that was destructive to both herself and our financial future, and I could not get her to listen to me, there came a point where it was clear to me that the relationship was over. And the hardest thing was letting go of that notion that there might have been something I could have done.

We don't have to fix everything. There are some things we can't fix. And sometimes, we have to accept that we absolutely couldn't have fixed something no matter what we did.

Acceptance is the answer.

...

(Thank you for the considerate comment, Saya.)