[Scythan]

I had gone through a period of planning to kill myself because of the view I hold of the universe and life in general. Then I found that my built-in tendency to avoid inflicting pain on myself is stronger than my urge to rid myself of a life I don't really enjoy or see as worthwhile.

I know that emotions have a higher influence on human behavior than I feel comfortable with. I even accept that there are many things I do that are mostly dependent on emotions or drives. This is why I sometimes see myself as caught within a contradiction: I state my views on how emotions and the human viewpoint are irrelevant to the universe, yet my own emotions are the things that drive me to argue and debate.

I like to think that I can see things as they really are if I try hard enough, but I can never really escape the fact that everything I do is overlaid with the fog of emotion.

All humans are are groups of particles that obey the laws of the universe; just as stars do. Just as rocks do. I know in my head that nothing we do can ever make an impact on the universe, yet I still live, with my subconscious, irrational thought that maybe I can make a difference in something, if I just try hard enough.

I hate it that I am powerless to resist what is built into my behaviors. We humans have evolved to think that life is worth living, because natural selection has weeded out those that think otherwise: those, I would think, commit suicide or become destructive in other ways, reducing their evolutionary fitness. I am a result of this selection, and therefore, even though I should have enough reason to end it, I don't.

I would not have posted this, except for the fact that this is already the rant thread.