My beloved best friend and boyfriend, Josh, commited suicide, 8 months ago. People say, its been a long time, you need to get over him. He's gone now. Ignoring the pain of losing someone you would have died for hurts like no bodies flipping business. Day after day, I try to forget. That doesn't help either. I could have stopped him, I could have done something, anything, to have kept him from drowning himself. But nooo, he didn't call me first. He always called me or told me when he felt suicidal. But this time, he didn't. I can't help but wonder, if I hugged him, kissed him, did anything different that he would still be alive next to me today. It hurts. It kills you so slowly that I would rather die than endure this. Every morning I wake up, and wonder why I get out of bed, What makes me still live? I have much to live for, my two lovely guys,(whom know about eachother, we've created our own little threesome of love
) my friends whom I love dearly, and my own thoughts. My own being. I can't just stop living, no matter how many times I try to end it all, someone stops me. You would think they would get the hint after days and weeks of not being able to leave me alone, but no. I am still here, the miserable lump on the computer chair holding back emotions that are ready to attack the next person and cry on their shoulder til they die. I haven't cried yet, I should, but Josh hated it when I cried. I just need him. Him alone. But hes dead, gone, not coming back, ever. I need to accept that, but I can't. I don't know why, reason and logic seemed to have died, but I can't accept that fact. Maybe it's just my stubborn assy side taking hold of me, but it seems so impossible. Or maybe it's just my way of mourning him. Mourning so he is not forgotten. I won't allow that, but I still try to forget him. How do you move on from someone you have known and loved forever it seems. I can't remember one happy moment, (from the past) that didn't involve him. Him, this tall handsome guy with emerald green eyes that could never be forgotten. I can still hear his laugh echoing and reverberating through my head, and these empty halls. I can still see his smile. A smile that could have lighten up the darkest of rooms. Yet when there are tens of people waiting for me to lean on their shoulders, I can not. Because none of them are him.