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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
04-14-2009, 05:13 AM
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#1
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In Antarctica with the Penguins
Posts: 1,521
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Flute and Lyre (Contest Submission)
(Submitted this for a Prompted to write contest. I chose the prompt: "Stuck forever in this fetal pose") It was sort of an experimental piece... Just wondering if anyone likes it or has any comments...
Flute and Lyre
Thwart, please, these tattered dreams.
In softened silence sense these scary screams.
So real, so tangible, so loud, so coy;
I'm just a complexly animated toy
With hopes and dreams just like you.
Bagged and buried under a bed.
Loosed and lost with a lamenting lyre
Stringing it's sorrow, so sore, from pleasing its sire.
Although it's mourning and moaning, it mends my heart
When nothing else could help it restart.
Its cries please my ears.
Fumbling and flailing I find a flute
and help cry out it's melodic fears
Serene it seems our sweetened song
Sunken so deep we fill it with tears.
Afloat, aghast, abashed, apart
Eyes drowning from this dire art
Ears waning from this sacred sound
Hands, clenched, on holes are bound
Frail these lips, and fingers be.
Shattering beneath my rocky lips
Diving down this flute does quip
Snapping goes the frayed strings
The lyre's heart starts to cling
Broken again and still not found
Etched, we lie, in the ground.
Stuck forever in this fetal pose.
__________________
Droppin' knowledge since 1986.
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04-15-2009, 01:37 AM
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#2
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Athens, GA
Posts: 1,696
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What stuck out to me the most was the misuse of "it's" when you should have been using "its."
Quote:
and help cry out it's melodic fears
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I think those are the only two. I read the poem earlier and just skimmed back over it briefly to make a point at 4:30 am.
Aside from that, I think it's an interesting poem. I suck at writing poetry. Imagery is not becoming of me.
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"Don't ever let anybody teach you to think, Lance: it is the curse of the world." - King Arthur in T.H. White's The Once And Future King
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" The Bible (Matthew 7:12)
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04-15-2009, 03:36 AM
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#3
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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I liked it too.
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04-15-2009, 08:17 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In Antarctica with the Penguins
Posts: 1,521
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Damn... I didn't even realize that.. XD
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Droppin' knowledge since 1986.
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04-15-2009, 08:20 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In Antarctica with the Penguins
Posts: 1,521
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Thanks! Thankfully I was able to edit it before it went off for judging.
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Droppin' knowledge since 1986.
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01-26-2023, 02:55 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 6
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How did the judging go? Hope you were able to make the suggested edits. But it is good anyway even if you didn't manage that.
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02-22-2023, 12:31 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 6
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Good luck. Your work is amazing. credit repair las cruces
I hope you win.
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03-27-2023, 04:15 AM
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#9
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Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 2
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Podcasts, tools, tutorials and blog posts that target a specific niche is where this guy makes his money. ringbone in horses
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03-29-2023, 07:36 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 3
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Amazing
Gothic themes and accessories are very nice and exciting. Yunnan baiao for dogs
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03-31-2023, 05:21 AM
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#11
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Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 2
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Wonderful
Great example of a site that started out as a hobby but has fast become a business. I like the angle they have as well. affordable vet care
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04-02-2023, 10:18 PM
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#12
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Join Date: Apr 2023
Posts: 1
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They may have needed to surrender work and are currently depending on only one pay coming in, so the should be more economical with ordinary living is an absolute necessity.
https://franklintnvet.com//
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04-16-2023, 05:36 PM
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#13
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Join Date: Apr 2023
Posts: 1
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Great Concept
It's a blog with a functioning webcast feed. Their digital recordings are madly well known on itunes, and no uncertainty they make a reasonable piece of cash from selling promotion space on those webcasts. https://www.morningtonconcreting.com.au/
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04-27-2023, 06:45 PM
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#14
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Join Date: Apr 2023
Posts: 1
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The incredible element approximately this weblog is the conversational tone and the actual man or woman at the back of the brand. BEST ROOFER IN ST. GEORGE
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04-29-2023, 09:48 AM
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#15
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Join Date: Apr 2023
Posts: 3
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Very poetic
I really like it! Very unique and I can feel your emotion and feelings while reading. Very well written.
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05-10-2023, 05:44 PM
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#16
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Join Date: May 2023
Posts: 1
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Amazing
Presently this isn't another thing to blog about, as Tech bloggers have been writing for a blog about innovation news and contraption surveys in detail online since the start of the web, But on the grounds that it's a particularly tremendous specialty, you could cut out yourself a great point inside the tech blog circle. RESTAURANT CLEANING SERVICES
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05-10-2023, 06:18 PM
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#17
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Join Date: May 2023
Posts: 1
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Great
I love the assortment of substance on blends it up between instructive blog entries about day to day life, what's happening in her reality and tips for and a truly cool web recordings that cover an assortment of subjects to do with nurturing and being. CONCRETING COMPANY BENDIGO
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05-16-2023, 08:56 AM
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#18
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Join Date: Dec 2022
Posts: 75
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05-21-2023, 10:19 AM
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#19
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Join Date: May 2023
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2
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Nice work there dude!Another advantage of resin driveways is their low maintenance. They do not require any weeding, which saves both time and money. Resin driveways can be installed in just a few days, depending on the size of the area. Since resin driveways do not require any special sealing, they are very low maintenance, requiring only regular cleaning. If you decide to go for this option, make sure you find a reputable company. Keeping it clean will extend its life. You must ensure that the ratio of resin to aggregate is correct, otherwise it will not last as long as you expect it to. https://newpavingcompany.co.uk/
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06-25-2023, 10:28 PM
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#20
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Join Date: May 2023
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 2
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I heard it was a big event. Berkshire Cleaning LTD
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09-08-2023, 02:00 AM
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#21
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Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 2
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Great
A great site, which is highly useful and inspirational for people wanting to change their 9 to 5 lives for something that will allow them to live a little and spend more time with the family. dog skin conditions
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09-28-2023, 07:22 AM
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#23
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Join Date: Dec 2022
Posts: 75
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10-11-2023, 05:40 PM
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#24
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Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 3
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A very inspiring blog that contains motivational stories about startups and the people who work in them and create them. dog kidney failure stages chart
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10-11-2023, 05:42 PM
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#25
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Join Date: Mar 2023
Posts: 3
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A very inspiring blog that contains motivational stories about startups and the people who work in them and create them. dog kidney failure stages chart
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