Longer

badteccy · 09-11-2010, 10:01 PM

I've been here all along
but not for much longer
actions grow weak
as I try to be stronger

You loved, tragic man
have become too lost for me
a forgiven sinking ship
but I am no longer your sea

HumanePain · 09-12-2010, 01:48 PM

Succinctly bittersweet. Me likes.

TheFeatheredÆtheling · 09-13-2010, 08:13 AM

Good job. I like how your ideas relate to one another here. 'Interesting how you used almost no punctuation... Ordinarily, I'd prefer it, but this works well because of its structure. Thanks for posting this; there's been a depressing lack of new submissions in this section recently.

badteccy · 09-13-2010, 09:16 PM

Well thank you.
I am very aware that poetry is not my forte, so thanks for the nice feedback.
I rewrote this a few times, still not 100% satisfied. I just find it easier to write poetry (even if it's meh) when my feelings are completely mixed up.
Being 20something is awesome and NOT tumultuous at all!

KontanKarite · 09-14-2010, 12:25 AM

I can see how you wouldn't be satisfied with it.

badteccy · 09-14-2010, 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KontanKarite

I can see how you wouldn't be satisfied with it.

Oh, what flaws do you see?

KontanKarite · 09-14-2010, 07:02 PM

Eh, really. It's just not saying much of anything. It's not very interesting and the message is rather a dead horse. It's raw and honest, so I can give it that much and being a poet is foremost being honest about yourself. I suppose my main gripe is that the premise isn't that compelling.

HumanePain · 09-14-2010, 07:33 PM

Well us incurable romantics love it! So love is a dead horse, so love is older than dirt, so what? It's a rush (and heartache) to everyone.

Apathy's_Child · 09-15-2010, 01:36 AM

Yep, with kontan on this. It's not the worst thing you'll ever see on these boards, but there's no real substance to the concept. Also, if you want to use structured meter, you need to make sure you're actually USING structured meter, not just an untidy bastardization with extra syllables jammed into odd lines. And actually, while you're at it, DON't use structured meter - it's not only dated and, IMO, dull, but limiting.

TheFeatheredÆtheling · 09-15-2010, 07:42 AM

I still think that it's pretty good. Badteccy, your rhyming words work, but if you'd be interested in converting this poem into one that conforms to a structured meter, I could probably do this for you without much effort, though it might affect the meaning more or less... 'Just give me the word.

badteccy · 09-15-2010, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KontanKarite

Eh, really. It's just not saying much of anything. It's not very interesting and the message is rather a dead horse. It's raw and honest, so I can give it that much and being a poet is foremost being honest about yourself. I suppose my main gripe is that the premise isn't that compelling.

Yea, I gotcha.
Again, poetry ain't my forte. I can do really awesome audio production though.
Can we get an audio/film production board at this place already?

Nah thanks feathered.

magnus13 · 10-10-2010, 09:21 PM

not bad, and i think the meaning rather obvious. I write 9/10 of my poetry when I'm upset or mixed up and most of it is terrible, but it still helps ME.