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Will Judy

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Will Judy was the Copy Editor of Blue Blood for many years and is currently a Senior Writer-at-Large. Will Judy believes the following constitutes a bio:

(1) Dear Reader: If I have to answer one more question about martinis, I’m going to shoot a gun up my own butt.

(2) To the times that esteem, commuto of the in the morning equal times to the praise said to me and if in Holland I am, pannenkoeken it eats to

(3) Boogie Down Productions will always get paid
We’ll take the wackest song and make it better
Remember to let us into your skin
Cause then you’ll begin
to master

(4) Back once again for the Renegade Master; D For Damager, ill behaviour. (Power to the people.)

(5) Telephone operator,
you’re my aural stimulator.
Telephone operator,
Ne c’est pas la raison d’etre.

(6) With voice of Ride ON shooting star heart like the shot gun it continued to sing

(7)(1) Don’t pull the thang out, unless you finna bang
(7)(2) Don’t even bang unless you finna hit something
(7)(3) Yeah! Uhh – huh

(8) The legend of this creature has been immortalized in Algernon Blackwood’s short story “The Wendigo” (1907). In W. T. Cox’s Fearsome Creatures of the Lumber Woods (1951) a number of other Canadian “wood horrors” are listed, including the hodag, the whimpus, the hoop-snake, the celofay, and the filamaloo.

(9) Upon completing the drawing, the patient starts laughing, then becomes startled by something on the floor.

(10) How can I possibly be inconspicuous? When my flow is fuckin’ ridiculous? (That’s right, an accent; see I’m from the South: Where some of the most beautiful things come out my mouth.)

(11) Movement #4: Dragon Seeks Path! (Dragon Whips his Tail!)

(12) Sabi literally means ‘rust,’ and refers to things which show the marks of age (like an old pond, a gnarled tree etc.), with a sense of unpretentious stoic endurance, and even a sense of “cosmic, existential loneliness” which links with Buddhist preoccupations.

(13) \Her`me*neu”tic\, Hermeneutical \Her`me*neu”tic*al\, a. [Gr. ?, fr. ? to interpret: cf. F. herm[‘e]neutique.] Unfolding the signification; of or pertaining to interpretation; exegetical; explanatory; as, hermeneutic theology, or the art of expounding the Scriptures; a hermeneutic phrase.

(14) Isn’t the concept of sausage odd? Minced pig stuffed into part of a pig’s digestive tract. With herbs. It’s more like an anal necrophiliac bestial fetish than a foodstuff. Someone once told me of a speciality sausage from his homeland, which amounted to pig tract stuffed with more pig tract. Words fail.

(15) She speaks as though she has cultivated a robust head cold; exquisitely calibrated sinus pressure steamrolls her vowels, so she holds the middle syllable of “university” for a full two seconds. Her words sound extruded rather than spoken.

(16) Cheerleading, he explains, “usually involve[s] a mixture of verbal phrases and routinized physical movement,” and you wonder: Usually? What in hell do the exceptions do — kick a possum to death in stony silence? (And by the way, does their team win?)

(17) This place is not a place of honor. No highly esteemed deed is commemorated here. Nothing valued is here. This place is a message and part of a system of messages. Pay attention to it. Sending this message was important to us. We considered ourselves to be a powerful culture.

(18) In the south and the west guns are now ubiquitous. “Kalash au bilash; kalash begib al kash,” runs a catchphrase from Darfur, “You’re trash without a Kalashnikov; get some cash with a Kalashnikov.”

(19) Perverse, Froward: One who is froward is capricious, and reluctant to obey. One who is perverse has a settled obstinacy of will, and likes or dislikes by the rule of contradiction to the will of others.

(20) The same tools that can answer deep questions about primate behavior can also be used to get people to sign up for more cell-phone minutes than there actually are in a month.

(21) The Living Creature Says, Come forward, My Horsemen.

(22) O what a preferment is this! It is but a little while since I was a wild and cursed plant, growing in the wilderness amongst them that shall shortly be cut down and faggoted up for hell: For me to be taken from amongst them, and planted into CHRIST, O my soul! fall down and kiss the feet of free grace, that moved so freely towards so vile a creature!

(23) It is the opinion of us and our lawyers that you are fucking morons, and that you should please go sodomize yourself with retractable batons.

(24) Armstrong stood in the lunar dust and gazed into the vastness and enormity of existence. But when he returned to Earth, he found refuge in the smallness of the ukulele.

(25) \Heu*ris”tic\ [Gr. ? to discover] a. Serving to discover or find out; n. A rule of thumb, simplification, or educated guess that reduces or limits the search for solutions in domains that are difficult and poorly understood. Unlike algorithms, heuristics do not guarantee optimal, or even feasible, solutions and are often used with no theoretical guarantee.

(26) In the case of flaming bunnies, a 20 gauge shotgun loaded with #6 shot is the only reasonable answer. No amount of love is going to save a visibly flaming bunny.

(27) Wherefore St. Thomas (Book 22, Question 9, Article 22) maintains with the authority of St. Chrysostoml, DAEMONI, ETIAM VERA DICENTI, NON EST CREDENDUM. (The devil must not be believed, even when he tells the truth.)

(28) The WIENERWHISTLE™ is a “full-blown” musical instrument that plays a special tune in four notes. As one of our original ads explains, the WIENERWHISTLE™ has four holes.

(29) “Fill me with your little robots,” the schoolgirl trilled, exposing her clacking mechanical labia to me.

(30) Take a walk through the land of shadows
Take a walk through the peaceful meadows
Try not to look so disappointed
It isn’t what you hoped for, is it?

(31) Senryu are short poems with few rules. Authors must be careful to avoid writing senryu that are merely slogans, mottos, statements of the obvious, or wordplay.

(32) He bristles at the memory and turns to his crowd for reassurance. They start to chant: “We are the terror possessed by hatred. We will invade Side B and take the Germans. We want blood. We want slaughter. We want bodies on the floor.”

(33) Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who’s there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say “control freak who?”

(34) The last story [Kafka] wrote was about a singing mouse, in which he finally asked the question that had haunted his career: “Is it her singing that charms us, or isn’t it rather the solemn stillness that surrounds the feeble little voice?”

(35) Quantitative astrophysics soon discovered that what we see is not what we get: most matter does not shine in any waveband, light, heat, X-rays or radio. It is in fact dark. Ergo, dark matter. The latest energy census suggests that everything which shines, and everything which is studied by scientists on Earth, is an almost irrelevant perturbation of reality.

(36) Very low levels. It could be two slaps in one interrogation, or to shake him, but not very strongly, or to put a cover on his head to scare him. We have never insulted a person’s religion or humiliated them. There is no torture in the security services.

(37) Rather than dissolving my differences in beer and banal universalist well-being at the Student Union, I wanted to find justifications for my particularities. I wanted to exaggerate and celebrate them. I was, quite possibly, a narcissist ponce and a silly prig.

(38) If only Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs would have watched CSI he could still be dancing around in a suit made of girls with his junk all tucked.

(39) “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.


(41) In her book “The Face of War,” Martha Gellhorn writes about Finland during the great Winter War of 1939. She describes a boy of 9 standing outside his home in Helsinki and watching the Russian bombers: “He was blond and plump and he stood with his hands on his hips and with his feet apart and looked at the sky with a stubborn, serious face,” she wrote. “He held himself stiffly so as not to shrink from the noise. When the air was quiet again he said, ‘Little by little, I am getting really angry.’ ”

(42) As part of an extensive, in-depth interview, a trained examiner rates the offender on a 20-item personality test. The items include glibness and superficial charm, grandiose self-worth, pathological lying, proneness to boredom and emotional vacuity. The subjects earn zero points if the description is not applicable, two points if it is highly applicable, and one if it is somewhat or sometimes true.

(43) The idea that it takes a village to raise a child has always struck me
not as inspiring but merely inefficient, particularly when you consider
how few people it takes to screw one up.

(44) People should be ashamed of the irrational food phobias that keep them from sharing food with each other. Instead, they have become proud and arrogant and aggressively misinformed.

(45) There is no real substitute for a ball struck squarely and firmly.

(46) Many studies have proved that breast milk is the best start any child can have in life, and any woman who breast feeds her child should be commended, not made to feel that they are doing something akin to pissing in a bin.

(47) Vacationers on the Indian Ocean islands tend to smile dismissively at accounts in guidebooks of Popo Bawa, the bat-like ogre said to prey on men, women and children. But for superstitious Zanzibaris a visit from the sodomizing gremlin is no joke.

(48) you see the rate they come down the escalator
now listen to the tube train accelerator
then you realize that you got to have a purpose
or this place is gonna knock you out sooner or later

(49) Playfully doing something difficult, whether useful or not, that is hacking.

(50) C.S. Lewis said it better than I can: “If we have to choose, it is always better to read Chaucer again than to read a new criticism of him.”

(51) My — Milkshake brings all the Gods to the Sky/And they’re like: What’s that on your thigh/(I could tell you, but you’d have to die)

(52) And the Gileadites seized the passages of the Jordan before the Ephraimites; and it was so, that when those Ephraimites who had escaped said, “Let me go over,” that the men of Gilead said unto him, “Art thou an Ephraimite?” If he said, “Nay,” then said they unto him, “Say now ‘Shibboleth.'” And he said “Sibboleth,” for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him and slew him at the passages of the Jordan; and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand.

(53) The interrobang is not a standard punctuation mark. Few modern typefaces or fonts include an interrobang among the available characters. It is at Unicode code point U+203D. It can be used in HTML documents with ‽ or ‽, although the second form has poor support in common web browsers.

(54) If you cannot see it, it is because you are
stupider than mud that’s been fucked by retards.
However, I am a benign and tolerant man, and am
here to help.

(55) [W]hile adults may find a child’s delight in breaking, mutilating and torturing their [Barbie] dolls to be disturbing, from the child’s point of view they were simply being imaginative in disposing of an excessive commodity, in the same way as one might crush cans for recycling.

(56) Mutatis Mutandis: Latin term meaning “things being changed which are to be changed”.

(57) And when the seven thunders had uttered their voices, I was about to write: and I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Seal up those things which the seven thunders uttered, and write them not.

(58) At a rough approximation, we view as evil people who inflict massive evolutionary fitness costs on us, our families, or our allies. No one summarized these fitness costs better than the feared conqueror Genghis Khan (1167-1227): “The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies, to chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth, to see their near and dear bathed in tears, to ride their horses and sleep on the bellies of their wives and daughters.”

(59) In the summer of 1753, Dr. John Lining, a physician with many scientific interests, verified Franklin’s kite experiment in Charleston, South Carolina, but when he tried to install a rod on his house, the local populace objected. They thought that the rod was presumptuous — that it would interfere with the will of God — or that it might attract lightning and be dangerous.

(60) But I really must stop writing this kind of thing. If I were still young enough, I might risk the consequence of putting down such impieties, but at my present stage of life, I should be less flippant.

(61) FACT: Chinese people believe the tapir ‘eats people’s dreams.’

(62) It’s Clowntime, baby. Our masks don’t come off anymore.

(63) The maxim that “every solution breeds new problems” is never so apt as when the obvious solution involves two pairs of handcuffs and a riot baton.

(64) “It’s odd, really,” Bancroft says. “Every once in a while, we get an e-mail from somebody who’s really fascinated by the cilice and the discipline, and says he would like to join [Opus Dei] if he can use them. And that’s not the kind of person that we’re looking for.”

(65) Everybody understands Mickey Mouse. Few understand Hermann Hesse. Only a handful understood Albert Einstein. And nobody understood Emperor Norton.

(66) The prosecutors said the man had given a patchy account of events, acknowledging that he may have “administered” a Bockwurst to the woman.

(67) “We can tell and tell him what to do, but when the time comes for him to perform, all the subliminal instruction, all the ideological briefing, all the tranquilizing drugs, all the psychotherapy are a waste,” insisted Dick. “He just plain will not jump when the whip is cracked.”

(68) Invisible Space Nazis (n.): Visual and auditory hallucinations consisting of barely noticeable suggestion of movement or sound in periphery. ISNs typically begin to affect humans who have been awake 30-50% in excess of normal cycle, usually at night. ISNs are perceptible to cats at all times of day. Secondary effects of ISNs include difficulty falling asleep and “jumpiness”.

(69) The hallucinations will also have revealed to patients in the trial when they had received ketamine, rather than an inert placebo. This knowledge could have made them more likely to report a positive response than to the placebo.

(70) “An orgasm results in incredible stimulation of the vagus nerve. From now on, I will be recommending sex – culminating with orgasm – as the cure-all for intractable hiccups.”

(71) We are gathered together to reflect upon our country’s adoption of Caligula’s motto for effective foreign policy – ODERINT DUM METUANT – “let them hate us, as long as they fear us.”

(72) “I’m a beer man. I tried to drink whiskey and Scotch but I don’t get it. It smells like a girl who didn’t shower and just splashed a lot of perfume on.”

(73) Pour one jigger absinthe into a Champagne glass. Add iced Champagne until it attains the proper opalescent milkiness. Drink three to five of these slowly.

(74) She has a crush on Christopher Robin. If I see that guy prowling around here, I’ll shoot him with rock salt until he tastes different.

(75) No. There was an answer, but I don’t think it was the result of the prayer. After all, if one was not a mammal, and could get erections on demand, there’d be no need for prayer in the first place.

(76) What is work? Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth’s surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so.

(77) This leads to both a nifty vampire subtext and entertainingly blatant metaphors for things like meth and cocaine-fueled bathroom sex, which are the sorts of topics most amusingly approached in metaphor.

.:In conclusion: I’m the boss, this is champagne… Merrrrrrrry Christmas!

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Posted by on Monday, February 7th, 2011. Filed under Who's Who. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.