Gnet in the Zombie Apocalypse (featuring the old-timers)
 

So, a few people done left us lately, which pisses me off as some of my favourite posters have dropped off the radar over the last couple months. Well, you know what? FUCK THEM. We’re the hard core. We can survive anything.

ANYTHING.

(Saya & Sterrn – you’re the oldest old-timers who spring to mind. Congrats, you win first cameos)

CAMERA PANS OVER A BARREN WASTE-LAND: TOTALLED BUILDINGS, SCORCHED TREES, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS. CAMERA COMES TO REST ON WHAT WAS PRESUMABLY ONCE AN ALLEYWAY, NOW LITTERED WITH BROKEN GLASS AND HUMAN LIMBS. APATHY’S CHILD ENTERS, LOOKING RUGGEDLY HANDSOME AND UTTERLY FEARLESS. HE HAS HIS BACK TO THE WALL HE’S MOVING ALONG, TOTING A SAWN-OFF SHOTGUN AS HE SCOPES THE SCENE OUT WARILY. UPON SEEING THE ALLY COMPLETELY DESERTED, HE DROPS THE HAND HOLDING THE SHOTGUN TO HIS SIDE, LOOKS AROUND, AND LEAPS HEADFIRST INTO A DUMPSTER. GRUNTING SOUNDS ARE HEARD AND HE EMERGES A FEW SECONDS LATER, WIELDING HALF A MOLDY BIG-MAC WITH AN AIR OF VICTORY.

Apathy’s Child: HAHAHAHA!! Oh SURE, there’s no food supply left, Apathy –we gotta get out of the CITY, Apathy! SUCK IT, bitchezz! [tears into Big-Mac voraciously, speaking through a mouthful] Home is TOTALLY where the heart is.

APATHY LOOKS UP QUICKLY AS SOUNDS ARE HEARD OFFSCREEN. HE GIVES THE HALF-BIG MAC ONE LAST MEANINGFUL, WINSOME LOOK LIKE A LOVER HE’LL NEVER SEE AGAIN BEFORE DROPPING IT AND SNAPPING TO ATTENTION, POINTING THE SHOTGUN TOWARD THE SOUNDS. HE PEERS SUSPICIOUSLY OVER THE RIM OF THE DUMPSTER AS SAYA ENTERS.

Apathy’s Child:... Saya?

Saya: [looking around until she finally sees him] Oh my god, Apathy! You’re alive! [he climbs out of the dumpster and she runs over and, understandably, falls on him and starts rubbing against him suggestively] I thought you were DEAD! The way you courageously compromised your own safety to lead that group of zombies away from the rest of us –

Apathy’s Child: [extricating himself manfully from her adoring grasp] Now, now – you know it makes me uncomfortable when people remind me of the magnitude of my own courage. It’s a pet peeve of mine; please, try to respect it.

Saya: [firmly undeterred] But you’re a hero!

Apathy’s Child: [tossing head] Well, that’s undeniable. But I’m also a deeply modest man, and you’re embarrassing me. [firmly] Now, please, try to refrain from talking so much about how I basically saved the lives of everyone in Gnet when its headquarters were besieged by undead.

Saya: [stepping towards him with a look of intent] Apathy... there’s something I need to tell you.

Apathy’s Child: [putting a finger to her lips firmly as the atmosphere thickens] Saya, I know what you’re going to say. And believe me, you’re far from the first woman to say it. But the undead are increasing in number, and there’s a good chance many of the Gnet old-timers are already dead. I’m sorry, I truly am, but I don’t have time to plow you right now.

Saya: But...!

Apathy’s Child: [strictly] I’m SORRY. [pause] Maybe when this is over, we could... you know. Although I should warn you that I don’t like to kiss on the mouth. Although I DO like to hit my sexual partners in the face and call them filthy fuckin’ whores while I fill them with my liquid redemption.

Saya:...

Apathy’s Child: I’d also appreciate it if you could wear something made of leather. Y’know, boots, gloves, mini-dress... shit, I ain’t no tyrant. It’s totally up to you. I’m ALL for wimmins bein’ independent and all that jazz.

Saya: Oh, thank you, master! [drops to the ground and licks his feet passionately. Stops suddenly when a terrible crashing is heard offstage and leaps up fearfully, cowering behind the manly fortress of protection provided by the Adonis-like brick shithouse that is Apathy’s physique, as the sounds grow closer]

ENTER STERRN, WHO, BEING IRISH, IS NATURALLY DRUNK FOR NO REASON.

Sterrn: Sure, bejibbers and bejabbers! Where’s me Oirish cream, I’ve a terrible hankerin’!

Saya: Sternn? Oh my god, it’s Sternn! He’s still alive!

Apathy’s Child: Sterrn, did you get... MORE Irish?

Sterrn: [swivelling bleary but furious eyes around] How dare ye! I’ve always bin a Paddy troo an’ troo! Ye troi’in to say I weren’t always Oirish? Ye BASTARD!! [takes a swing at thin air; spins in a circle and falls over]

Saya: ... ‘Kay, but seriously, dude – DID you? Only, you know – when you start pronouncing Irish, “Oirish”... I’m just sayin’.

Sterrn: [still sitting on the ground, getting worked up] Sure I got more Orisih. Had to, didn’t I? The zombies slaughtered all me people! There’s no one else to carry the flag for the poor ol’ Emerald Isle now! [gets to feet unsteadily, muttering] Zombies. Worse than the feckin’ English.

Saya:... Dude. Aren’t you from the States?

Sternn: [turning on her with a roar] HOW DARE YE!

Saya: [nonplussed] Right... but AREN’T you?

Sternn: ... Oh, just feck off. [plops down on ass moodily and starts sketching a four-leaf clover in the dirt with a stick] Sure, there’s only one place ye can be truly Oirish, an’ that’s in HERE! [strikes own chest hard enough to make the other two wince, and Apathy pulls his hand away compassionately, trying to pull the dead weight to its feet]

Apathy’s Child: Dude, c’mon – you’d better come with us.

Sternn: [laughing crazily] With YE! Oh, that’s a great one, sure!

Apathy’s Child: I’m serious, man. The undead are all around us. They could be anywhere. Safety in numbers, right? [looks to Saya for confirmation and is forced to remove her agreeing hand from his ass]

Sterrn: [taking random swings at nothing, still sitting on his ass on the ground] Get your feckin’ imperialist hands off me! Ye can take our loives, but ye’ll never take out freedom!

Saya: Dude, that’s Braveheart. That’s a TOTALLY different country. 'Sides which, no one's TOUCHING you.

Sterrn: [giving her an extremely adamant and Irish finger accompanied by a baleful glare] FECK YE, YE MUFF-DOIVIN’ BITCH!!

Saya: [indignantly] What, so attention to detail equals lesbianism?! Why you misogynistic, heterocentric –

Apathy’s Child: [ever the peacemaker] Now, now, Sterrn – that statement was both presumptuous and offensive. Just because a woman has an opinion of her own, doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy taking a rod so far down her throat she’d choke if she weren’t too busy making sure YOU’RE enjoying the experience.

Saya: [with a grateful stare at Apathy] I am SO hot for you right now.

Apathy’s Child: [with a magnanimous sigh] I know, baby. But PLEASE, give me a minute. I’m try’na save the world here.

Saya: [nodding bravely, her eyes brightening with tears of sexual frustration] I know. But you’re just so damn HARD to resist sometimes...

Apathy’s Child: [guiltily] I don’t mean to be. I swear, it’s not deliberate, the way I exude irresistibility.

AC’S UNIFYING MESSAGE OF PEACE IS INTERRUPTED BY ZOMBIE GROANS OFFSCREEN, BUT CLOSE BY. HE AND SAYA RAISE THEIR EYES SLOWLY TOWARDS THE OMINOUS SOUNDS WHILE STERRN CONTINUES TO TAKE UNCOORDINATED SWINGS AT THIN AIR FROM HIS SITTING POSITION ON THE GROUND.

Sterrn: Feckin’ English bastards!!

Apathy’s Child: [to Saya] You armed?

Saya: Sorta - I’ve got this [produces pen from shirt pocket].

Apathy’s Child: ...

Saya: It’s okay, I’m limber. I’ve got your back.

Apathy’s Child: [raising eyes doubtfully from the pen] You sure?

Saya: [bravely] Don’t worry about me. Got you covered. The question is, what do we do about HIM. [nods at Sterrn, who’s still grappling with thin air while grunting about abortion laws and faith schools]

Apathy’s Child: ... I’ve got an idea. [to the poor unfortunate on the ground] Hey, Sterrn! Sterrn! We’re on a protest march, Sterrn! We gotta fight The Man!

Sterrn: [with a very Irish perversity, suddenly stops fighting oxygen and goes slack] Nooo! I’m TOIRED OUT! The English have won. They’ve already tekken me poor auld Emerald Isle. I can’t fight them any more... these auld bones are givin’ out under me... [lies down hard with a THUNK, sighing dramatically]

Apathy’s Child: No, Sterrn, you don’t get it, dude. These guys ain’t no English. These are REPUBLICANS.

STERRN’S EYES SNAP OPEN WHERE HE’S LYING ON THE GROUND.

Apathy’s Child: [whispering] REPUBLICANS, Sterrn.

STERRN LEAPS TO HIS FEET AND CHARGES OFFSTAGE TOWARD THE ZOMBIES WITH A JOYFUL WAR-CRY.

tbc

This is the greatest thing ever.

Apathy's Child. You will be my black ops.

I appreciate it, guys, but you should prob'ly hang fire until you read your own appearances (which are actually scheduled for the next installment). No one knows what will happen, but we can surmise from above opener that the parody will be razor-sharp and the whole thing, let's face it, freakin' awesome. Plus that Apathy's Child character is just so goddamn handsome, it's worth following just for him.

Will you be heroes, villains, gurus, or fools? Tune in next time I get bored enough to shit out another installment!

He is handsome. Now I'm all horny. Thanks a lot -_-

Scene 2
 

SHOT CUTS TO THE NEARBY MAIN STREET, WHERE EIGHT OR NINE ZOMBIES ARE ROOTING AROUND THE TRASH CANS, LIMBS AND BENCHES, WHICH SURROUND A BUS SHELTER. ON TOP OF THIS ARE KONTAN AND DESPANAN, SITTING SIDE BY SIDE WITH THEIR KNEES DRAWN UP. THE ZOMBIES ARE SNARLING AND EVERY NOW AND AGAIN ONE OF THEM TRIES TO CLIMB THE SIDE OF THE SHELTER BEFORE FALLING BACK DOWN AND RESUMING THEIR ROOTING.

Despanan: I got one, I got one – Neil Gaiman and Nico Paffgen!

Kontan:[listlessly] Yeah, that’s a good one.

Despanan: Good? GOOD? Come on, those kids would be EPIC. [pause] You go.

Kontan: I don’t wanna.

Despanan: [pause] Rock paper scissors?

Kontan: Nah.

Despanan: C’mon Kontan. I’m doing my BEST to keep our spirits up. But you are not exactly playing ball here.

Kontan: [impatiently] Look, I’m TRYING. But these lame-ass diversions are not helping my headspace at ALL, man – in fact, they’re having the total fuckin’ opposite effect. We’ve played like fifty rounds of rock paper scissors, named every possible combination of couples who would have badass children, re-enacted the whole of the Star Wars’ trilogy line-by-line – INCLUDING Luke and Leia’s illicit kiss –

Despanan: [turning on him angrily] Goddamnit, K! That was a MOMENT OF INSANITY– we were so bored, it was that or gnaw off our own feet, and we swore we would NEVER bring it up again!

Kontan: [growing hysterical] And I haven’t, have I?! I’ve kept our filthy little secret, Desp! But there’s only so much a man can take, and I can’t carry the burden of what happened between us any longer!

Despanan: [nonplussed pause] Dude, it’s been like fifteen minutes.

Kontan: [angrily] Well that’s – ! [pauses, thinking] Really?

Despanan: Really.

Kontan: [doubtfully] No way.

Despanan: Way.

Kontan: ... Huh. Feels like I’ve been living with that for friggin’ YEARS. [they
lapse into silence. A zombie tries to climb the shelter, snarling, and Despanan kicks it off hard, thudding it to the ground as Kontan puts his chin on his knees despondently]

Kontan: This isn’t like I thought it’d be.

Despanan: [clapping him on the shoulder with a sigh] I know, guy. Me neither.

Kontan: All the ancient texts said that if we summoned the zombie god KammadinniBOOOYAH, he’d totally do our bidding. Not ONE of them mentioned the possibility that he’d break the enchanted binding circle by pulling out his junk and pissing on the chalk lines, hightail it out of your mom’s summer house, and start the cunting APOCALYPSE.

Despanan: No one could’ve seen that coming.

Kontan: Your mom did. She TOTALLY warned us it’d end in tears. [hugs knees and rests chin on forearms] Man, this sucks out loud - I wish we’d listened to her.

Despanan: [growing angry] FUCK that bitch! I do what I want!

Kontan: Okay, okay, chill. I’m just sayin’, when I imagined bringing about the end of days, I just pictured it being – cooler, y’know? Like we’d be sitting on KammadinniBOOOYAH’s shoulder pointing out people we don’t like so he could zombify them for our army of the dead. The eternal servitude and degrading enslavement of our enemies. THAT’S the kind of thing I had in mind.

Despanan: [growing nostalgic at the thought] Yeah. Like making Jilly bring me Coke mixed with the blood of union workers, and Nike shoes soaked in the sweat of Burmese orphans, WHENEVER I want. [grins] And if Jilly was bringin’ it, I’d want it a LOT. I’d spend every minute of the DAY pissing if I had to. It’d be so worth it.

Kontan: Exactly. Or having our army of the dead chase Fruitbat into an abandoned warehouse, and watching them hunt her down like a rat in a maze through videolink over a couple of beers. Oh man, that would rule so hard. [sighs moodily] I’ll be straight with you – if I’d known this’d end with us crouched on top of a bus shelter, hiding out like all the other douchebags while KammadinniBOOOYAH just tears around stomping colons without us, I’d probably have said let’s just hang out and play Final Fantasy instead.

Despanan: [impatiently] Awww, c’mon now, would you man the fuck up? Jeez, dude. Moping isn’t gonna help us. You’re totally dumping on MY mood now..

Kontan: [sarcastically] Oh, I’M sorry. I can’t imagine what’s wrong with me. Look at me, sittin’ here killin’ your buzz like a big jerk, when there’s ALL THIS to smile about. [gestures around at the scorched buildings and stray limbs]

Despanan: Oh, for the love of... Look. Just QUIT moaning like a little girl!

Kontan:[finally getting pissed off] Screw you, bitch! This is all your fault! If you hadn’t drawn the binding circle in fucking CHALK, none of this would’ve happened!

Despanan: WHAT?!

Kontan: YOU heard me! That’s the ONE THING you gotta do, and you can’t even pull together enough sense to use a cunting permanent marker?!

Despanan: Whoa, whoa! YOU’RE the one who was all “Hey, let’s raise one of the dark elders to do our bidding”, dickwad!

Kontan: Yeah, and YOU wanted KammadinniBOOOYAH! I TOLD you he was too powerful, but you said you would totally ruin his shit if he even LOOKED at you wrong! You said you knew karate!

Despanan: Fuck you, asshole!

Kontan: No! Nonono! Fuck YOU, asshole!!

THEY SCUFFLE, SLAPPING AT EACH OTHER BLINDLY AND PULLING HAIR LIKE 8 YR OLD GIRLS, MAKING THE BUS SHELTER SHAKE. HOWEVER THEY FREEZE WHEN THE SOUND OF A HUMAN VOICE IS HEARD OFFSCREEN, MEETING EACH OTHER’S GAZE IN WIDE-EYED HOPE AS THE SOUND DRAWS CLOSER.
STERNN ENTERS SWINGING

Sternn: Feckin’ Republicans! Feckin’ obese, obnoxious, abortion hatin’, English bastards! AND YE CAN SHOVE YER PROTESTANT HOODOO WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHOINE AN’ ALL!! [knocks 4 or 5 zombies aside as he tears through their midst roaring this]

APATHY AND SAYA ENTER RIGHT BEHIND HIM. APATHY PISTOL-WHIPS THREE ZOMBIES INTO TOTAL PUSSIFIED SUBMISSION WITH A SINGLE SWING IN A MOVE SO BADASS THAT CREAM OOZES FROM SAYA’S PANTIES. SHE FLICKS IT IN THE EYES OF A ZOMBIE, BLINDING IT, THEN BRANDISHES HER PEN AND STABS IT IN THE HEAD WITH A BLOOD-CURDLING WAR CRY. A SECOND ZOMBIE GRABS HER AROUND THE NECK AS IT FALLS AND THEY GRAPPLE.

Apathy: [pointing shotgun at the zombie fighting with Saya] Saya, duck!

Saya: No way! I got this one! I’m strong, and independent, and just as capable as any man!

Apathy: Dude, no one said you weren’t – but you’re fighting with a ball point pen, and I’m holding a shotgun. Would you just fucking duck already?!

Saya: Nuh-uh! Quit subjugating me!

Apathy: [sighing] Look, duck, and I’ll let you blow me for as long as you want when this is over. [she thinks about this for a second, then hits the deck so fast the zombie looks around blinking with confusion, before Apathy blows its head off. As it falls, he spits on the ground like Clint fucking Eastwood, and Kontan and Despanan erupt involuntarily into cheers. Apathy looks up in surprise as Sternn and Saya continue fighting in the background]

Apathy: Kontan and Desp! Awesome! You made it too!

Despanan: Shit, yeah! We fought our way up here after we got out of... Gnet headquarters. Figured a high vantage point was our best bet for scoping out whether anyone else got away.

Apathy: Oh, man, this is so sweet. Looks like there are gonna be TONS of survivors once we check the area properly. [frowns suddenly] Wait – you guys were in the Gnet building when the zombies first attacked?

Despanan: [caught in the lie, kicking self] Uhh, yeah. Sure.

Apathy: Really? Only we were all wondering why you guys didn’t show up at headquarters that day. We were actually talking about it right when the first couple of them came busting in.

Despanan: We were... in the bathroom.

Apathy: Right. [pause] Just the two of you?

Despanan: ... Sure.

Apathy: But dude, it was like eleven thirty when the zombies attacked. What the hell’d you been doing since nine?

Despanan: Um... talking?

Apathy: ... Talking?

Despanan: Yep.

Apathy: In the bathroom.

Despanan: [beat] Uh-huh.

Apathy: ‘Kay. [shrugs] I figured maybe you’d just, y’know, gotten stuck in traffic, then made a quick pit-stop on your way upstairs when you DID get in.

Despanan:... oh.. yeah... that would’ve made more sense.

Apathy: [shrugging] Hey, whatever, guys. Didn’t mean to pry or anything. Just... glad everyone’s okay.

Despanan: [starting defensively] We weren’t -

Apathy: [holding up hands] Hey, you don’t owe ME an explanation. I mind my own yard. What two consenting adults -

K: [blurting convulsively] I was Luke! DESP was Leia! [Despanan kicks him hard, hissing at him in a low voice]

Despanan: The fuck is WRONG with you?!

Kontan: [hissing back] I think he knows, Desp! He KNOWS about the Star Wars kiss - he’s judging me with his eyes!

Despanan: It’s all in your head! Now come ON, man, pull yourself together!

Saya: Neeeee-YAH!!! [in the foreground, Saya tackles the final zombie hard onto its back, she and Sternn having taken out the others during the conversation. However as she raises the pen to destroy its brain, it speaks with a human voice]

Zombie: Whoa, whoa! No stabbie! It’s me! I’m one of you!

Saya: Bullshit!

Zombie: No, I swear!

Apathy: [getting a proper look then whooshing over like Batman, grabbing the arm holding the pen and dragging her to her feet] Saya, don’t! He’s alive!

I was laughing pretty hard until I realized, that is how I normally court men. Its like you have peered into the depths of my soul, sir.

Pretty badass. Waiting to find out who the alive zombie is.

This, basically. A_C, you're really good, man. Really good.

This is the greatest thing ever.

Desp, why you gotta be so gay?

Thanks guys. I figured that after three years of rolling into Lit and declaring that everyone sucks, I should prob'ly post something. But I didn't want to give away the copyright on anything good that I might wind up using someday, so I figured I'd write something just for you guys. It's been a fun way of making it through the long periods of nothin' at work.

It's really entertaining actually.

Give up the copywright? Who with a what now?

A lot of places won't take poems, short stories etc., that've been published online, and count posting to a web forum as publishing. "Giving up the copyright" was the wrong turn of phrase - what I mean is, I've just gotten in the habit of never posting anything I think I may wind up doing something with. Which is pretty much anything I don't delete the next day for being irredeemably shit.

Ahh okay. Gotcha. You had me worried for a second.

Nah, only thing you need to worry about is me kicking your ass once I found out it was you & Kontan who summoned KammadinniBOOOYAH.

I like how it's our fault. I would totally unleash Zombies on Gnet for the Lulz.

One note thought, I would've added these lines:


Kontan: Yeah, and YOU wanted KammadinniBOOOYAH! I TOLD you he was too powerful, but you said you would totally ruin his shit if he even LOOKED at you wrong! You said you knew karate!

Despanan: I do know karate!

Kontan: No you don't!

Despanan: Fuck you, asshole!

Kontan: No! Nonono! Fuck YOU, asshole!!

Whoa! I just now saw this. Good show!
These kind of stories are more riveting when populated with member names.

Do what you will with my doppelganger.

Part 3
 

Saya: Apathy, I’m the first to admit you’re both jaw-droppingly beautiful and always right about everything, but – he’s fucking GREEN!

Apathy: I know! LOOK at him. Don’t you recognize him?

THEY ALL LOOK AT THE GREEN-FACED ZOMBIE AS HE SUDDENLY FLIPS HIS HEAD OVER ONE SIDE AND COUGHS UP BLOOD, HACKING LIKE PARIS HILTON IN THAT ONE EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK. SAYA’S EYES WIDEN IN ASTONISHMENT.

Saya: JACK?!

Jack: The one and only. [finishes hacking with a slavering sound like a blocked u-bend] Oh, man... I feel like crap – holy FUCK, the undead know how to party! I haven’t slept in like four days!

Apathy: You look... wow.

Jack: Yeah, yeah, tell me about it. I don’t even wanna THINK about the shit I’ve put inside this piece of junk [thumps own chest] since the undead took over. [looks around hopefully] Anyone got any drugs?

Apathy: Dude. You’re DECOMPOSING.

Jack: Guess not. [sighs] Booze?

Saya: [disapprovingly] BOOZE? Jack, your fucking face is falling off!

Jack: [defensively] So? Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a lil’ sip o’ somethin’...

Apathy: You’re GREEN! I’m not even being metaphorical or anything, you are literally GREEN!

Jack: Jeez, all right already! Look, if you’re gonna be a dick about it, at LEAST quit holding out on me, huh? I know goddamn well you’re packing, now spread the wealth.

Apathy: [lets out a defeated sigh of frustration – pulls out a hip flask and hands it to Jack] DON’T drink it all.

Jack: [glugging as quickly as he can] It’s my body! You mind your own goddamn business!

Apathy: Fuck your body, it’s MY whiskey! GIVE IT! [grabs the flask back and drains the rest before tossing the dregs to Sternn, who, being Irish, is practically begging for it like a dog] So, spill – how the fuck did you end up hanging out with the undead?

Jack: Well, it’s kind of a blur. I was already drunk that morning when they showed up at headquarters... my grandma’s eightieth birthday the night before, remember? [shakes head] Lemme tell ya, you think I can hold a drink, you wanna see HER in action. It sure is something to behold when she gets her party head on. She’s fucking magnificent. I felt like a pig shat on my head the next morning.

Saya: [remembering] THAT’S right! You walked straight in to headquarters looking like shit, threw up in the corner of the room, tossed all the jackets in a big pile and went to sleep!

Jack: Yeah. And when I woke up, you guys had all disappeared – oh yeah, thanks for the wake-up call, by the way - and there were goddamn zombies all around me. And limbs. Lots of limbs.

Apathy: Any idea who’s dead and who’s not?

Jack: I dunno, man. Mostly just a hand here, half a leg there, that kinda shit. Oh, I AM pretty sure I saw Catch’s head rolling around, though.

THEY PAUSE SOBERLY FOR A MOMENT, THEN SHRUG AS ONE AND CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION AS THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENED.

Saya: So what did you do?

Jack: Shit, there wasn’t much I could do. I managed to get up, but I was WAY too hungover to run, so I just kinda staggered over towards the door. They didn’t exactly chase me, though. They just sorta... staggered WITH me. I think I must have looked so godawful, they just figured me for one of them.

Apathy: So you’ve just been hanging out with them ever since?

Jack: [shrugging] Hey, I figured it beat getting my entrails eaten.

Apathy: ... Fair enough. [looks around at them all, exuding the tense, manly authority of a really shit-hot spy] We better get moving. It’ll be dark soon. We’ll need to find somewhere safe to hole up for the night, then tomorrow we start searching for other survivors. [leads the way offstage, cutting an eminently dashing figure, as the others follow in obedient awe. Despanan and Kontan are last]

Despanan: [whispering] Okay, just let ME do all the talking.

Kontan: [whispering back indignantly] Then stop making it sound like we’re secretly humping!

Despanan: [rolling eyes] Oh, great. Homophobia – real nice, K.

Kontan: It’s nothing to do with homophobia – you’re making us sound like fuckin’ WEIRDOS! Gay OR straight, who the hell spends two and a half hours screwing in the TOILETS, in their place of WORK, at nine in the friggin’ morning?!

Despanan: Fuck you, asshole!

Kontan: Fuck YOU, asshole!!

THEY FLAIL AT EACH OTHER LIKE 8 YR OLD GIRLS AGAIN FOR A FEW SECONDS, THEN FOLLOW THE OTHERS.

Funny how people are commenting in more or less the same order they're appearing - coincidence only.

Yeah, I've seen a few things I'd change on a read-back. Oddly enough that was one - I wished I'd had you try to prove your mad karate skillz and nearly fall off the bus shelter in the process, with Kontan refusing to help you up until you to say HE'S the brains of the op and the apocalypse IS all your fault. I'm currently shitting these things out in like 20-30 minutes at work then posting, but maybe I'll start sitting on them for a day. Flaws are way easier to pick out with a little distance.

You know, the dialogue in this is rather good.

Do you have an acting or theatre background Apathy? Or are you just good at it?

I'm just shit-hot.

wait..so jack is literally a zombie? or is he just in such bad shape from the drugs that he's indistinguishable from a zombie?

cool story bro :D just be carful with the language. i haev a job 2 do here so don't talk about moms or gays or dedmoms.

also: Vegeta should be a character. he culd pwn som zombie A$$!

That'd be the latter. As for why it took so long for him to reveal himself, I guess it's either because he was passed out at the front of the stage throughout the previous scene and woke up just before Saya went Full Metal Jacket on his ass, or because I was too incompetent to think that one thoruhg before posting.

BTW, just received the following infraction:

Dear Apathy's_Child,

You have received a warning at Gothic.net Community.

Reason:
-------
Vastly Inappropriate Language

i liek the storry but you nede to be careful w/ ur language.

u can't say gay on GNET andf u can't talk about mo,s.

Dude, can you try and put a lid on yor Oedipal issues with your mom? You're getting me in trouble here.

lolololol. Only ssj.... :3

BWUHAHAHA! Priceless!

Yes the infraction i received a while back was from ssj as well... lol. But, story still seems pretty shweet.

This is just getting better and better. Mainly because I'm in it now but I think we all saw that one coming already. :D

Y r ther so manny mods on this sire?

AC - I fly high dude. Higher than any zombies. I'm bullet-proof, deadly and filled with poison.

This is freakin' sweet. I had no idea to expect this after glancing back at Gnet. I wonder what other old timers you will drag up? Jcc? Ophelia? Helpmann? Man in room five? Or is this just old timers that still post regularly?

Eh, you'll have to take it up with Kontan. HE said it, not me.

Just the current regular posters. This isn't a popularity contest, in the sense that it's not about picking my buddies and lionizing them - that shit's boring. This is just a parodic look at the people who've stuck around for a good long time, to the point where I've realized that I actually know a fair bit abut them, even if we've rarely spoken directly. I'm a sentimrntal enough drunk to think there's something kinda nice about the fact that a few core members have spent literally years, flirting, sparring, swapping kickass links, and not infrequently throwing the fuck down. Even if they don't even like each other, they probably know more about one another than they do half their co-workers. I'd have liked to have written in parts for people like Gothicus, JCC & Ophie, but it'd be contrary to the spirit in which this was started. So the truants got culled.

Different rules for trolls though, so stay tuned. ;)

Sweet. Now my imagination is running amok wondering which trolls shall be dealt to. Bexxle/Catch has been mentioned, so who else could be left?

And yeah, I dig the same feeling. There are definitely some things that I believe people on here know about each other despite differences and dislikings.

A_C is a god!

This would make for an interesting movie...

who is halpman?

Hey man, I'm around.
I just got bored posting in the dumber threads.

When the wind blows and ruins your nice meadow picnic lunch, or when you are at the beach and you step on a jellyfish, that's me, Gnet, that's me.

Haha. Sweet, I'll write you in. I'm actually just about to start the next scene, so that's some good timing right there.

SHOT CUTS TO A FEW MORE STREETS OVER. OPHELIA AND VINDICATED ARE SEATED INSIDE THE WINDOW OF A BUILDING ON THE FIRST FLOOR, LEGS DANGLING OVER THE LEDGE. OPHELIA IS WRITING ON A LARGE PAD AND VIN IS SMOKING A BLUNT. VIN LOOKS EXTREMELY STONED AND IS WEARING A DOG COLLAR, THE LEASH OF WHICH IS WRAPPED LOOSELY AROUND OPHIE’S WRIST.

Ophie: “If I had a dick, I would plow you like a field / Leaving you a weeping pile of freshly-turned soil...” [draws a line underneath the line sharply with a satisfied smile] Oh hell. Yeah.

Vin: [turning bleary, bloodshot eyes towards her] Did you finish it?

Ophie: Sure did, babycakes.

Vin: Wanna read it to me?

Ophie: [rolling eyes] ... I just did.

Vin: Oh. [blinks a few times as she struggles to remember, before settling into a dopey smile] That was AWESOME.

Ophie: I know.

Vin: Totally deep. Your words... my whale song... [blinks and trails off, clearly high as a kite]

Ophie: [in a tone of casual contempt] Uh-huh. How ‘bout shutting the hell up there, honey-doll? I gotta edit. [Vin smiles vacantly and nods as Ophie starts frowning and scratching on the pad. Apathy, Saya, Sternn, Jack, Kontan & Despanan enter, moving quietly along the wall in single file. Ophie sees them surprise, and yells down at them] Guys! Up here!

APATHY COCKS GUN REFLEXIVELY, HIS SWIFT, SURE, MANLY REACTION AGAIN CALLING TO MIND CLINT EASTWOOD IN HIS CAREER-DEFINING ROLE AS THE MAN WITH NO NAME. THE OTHERS ALMOST PISS THEIR PANTS LIKE LITTLE BITCHES. THEY FINALLY SEE OPHIE AND VIN.

Apathy: [jubilantly] Ophie? You’re alive too! And so is... [face falls as he sees her companion] Oh. Hey, Vin.

Ophie: So you guys got away too, huh?

Apathy: Yeah. We were just scoping for survivors. [nods up at the window] I see you guys holed up.

Ophie: Yeah – after we ran, we came up here and barricaded ourselves in. We’ve been... keeping ourselves entertained. [winks at the guys on the ground meaningfully as Vin blinks her bloodshot eyes] How about you guys?

Apathy: We all sort of found each other. Looks like everyone scattered when they took headquarters, so we’ve just been moving around, scoping for survivors.

Ophie: Sweet. I’m just writing a sex poem for Vin. My beautiful Vin. Look how hot she is. [gestures towards her] The eyes of an anime character, the lips of a porn star, fucking ghetto booty to make you weep -

VIN: Yeah!! I gotta ghetto booty... [frowns suddenly in fuzzy confusion] Wait – did you just call me BLACK?

Ophie: [without changing tone or looking at her] You shut your whore mouth, hood-rat.

Vin: [with muddled indignation] NOT cool, Ophie! You can’t just go around accusing innocent people of being black! What if an actual black person heard you? They might try and, like, TALK to me or somethin’...

Ophie: [slapping her hard around the head impatiently] Goddamnit, would you shut your fuckin’ hole? I don’t keep you around to hear your dumbass thoughts on life – now just open another button on your blouse and clam the fuck up! [turns back to the others as Vin unbuttons her shirt to expose even more cleavage] Where the hell did you guys go? Well, except you, Apathy. I saw you go charging off, heroically leading the undead away from the rest of us. Luckily there were so few of them left after your panty-moistening act of heroism, Vin and I managed to fight our way out of there. Well. [rolls eyes] I managed to fight our way out of there. She just stood there gaping, going, “Duuuuude...” in this moronic stoner voice. Didn’t even drop her joint.

Apathy: What about the others? Honeythorn, Renatus, Sir Canvas Corpsey? Do you know what happened to anybody else?

Ophie: Last thing I saw was HumanePain trying to convince the zombies to be nice, and saying this apocalypse’d be a lot more pleasant for everyone if we could just all get along. They sort of piled on top of him, but I don’t know what happened to him after that. It was kind of crazy - panic, and screaming, and blood spraying everywhere. And Vin was so high, she would’ve been chickenfeed if I’d just let go of her arm for a second.

Despanan: You weren’t even tempted? [shakes head, impressed] Wow, Underwear. That’s some magnanimous shit, right there. Maybe you ARE a nice person after all.

Ophie: Nah, I’m still an irredeemable bitch. I just figured, sexual encounters are gonna be pretty thin on the ground in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. And you know I’ve been toying with hitting that for a while. [stares down Vin’s shirt appreciatively]

Despanan: So basically, you delivered Vin from death... into sex slavery.

Ophie: [rolling eyes] Oh, what, like she had SO many other prospects in life?

Despanan: ... Fair enough, you gotta point there. Although I’m wondering what exactly differentiates you from the undead. You both want to eat Vin, and you’re both prepared to use predatory means. [to Kontan] I think Apathy should shoot HER in the face.

Kontan: Yeah!! Oh man, that would be so awesome.

Apathy: [impatiently] I’m not shooting her in the face.

DESP & KONTAN IN UNISON: Awwww!

Despanan: You shot the other zombies in the face!

Apathy: [incredulously] Dude, they were fucking undead!

Kontan: So? Ophie’s colder’n any corpse I ever saw!

Despanan: Yeah!! Good one, K! [they pause for a solemn bro-pound, then snap their attention back to Apathy expectantly]

Apathy: Quit fucking around, you two. We don’t have time for this.

Kontan: Who’s fucking around? Let’s take a vote. Hey, Sternn! Sternn! See that chick up there? [Sternn follows K’s pointing finger blearily] She thinks blowing shit up when you don’t get your way makes you a terrorist! [Sternn snaps to attention] Whatcha think we ought to do with her?

Sternn: [roaring] RIP HER FECKIN’ LUNGS OUT AND SHOVE ‘EM UP HER ARSE!! [starts shadow-boxing the wall, muttering about Uncle Toms]

Despanan: Attaboy! And Jack, come on. One more vote and we get to watch Ophie’s face smash like an egg. Whaddaya say, guy?

Jack: [shaking and sweating – starts at the sound of his name and swipes at something invisible in the air] Wait, what? Huh?

Apathy: Leave him alone, Desp. He’s working through some delirium tremens.

Jack: [edging away from Apathy warily] Dude... when did you turn into a giant beetle?

Despanan: ‘Kay, so Jack’s mentally incompetent, which means he doesn’t get a vote. Which MEANS - we gotta majority! WOOOOOO!!

Jack: [still addressing Apathy in a dazed murmur] I mean, I’m not judging... it’s not like I don’t want to hang out with you any more... I just...

Saya: [indignantly] What, so I don’t get a vote?

Apathy: There’s no VOTE! No one is getting shot in the face!

Saya: It’s because I’m a girl, isn’t it?!

Kontan: Nah, it’s because you’re a liberal hippie feminazi who spends her spare time hugging bottom-feeders and giving hand-jobs to freegans.

Saya: [outraged] I’M the Nazi?! You want to exterminate Ophie because she ANNOYS you, you fascist cockfluff!

Kontan: Yeah, well, democracy’s a bitch. [pause – adds afterthought] And so is YOUR MOM.

Apathy: [losing patience with all of them] This is not a democracy! I’m the motherfucking HERO here, and I’m telling you I am not shooting anyone in the face!

Despanan: So? How come YOU get to decide?

Apathy: Uhh, well, I’m the one with the GUN, for starters.

Despanan: Oh, what, so just because you got a shotgun you think you’re better than us? [pause] How come you’re the only one who has a gun, anyway?

Apathy: Because I’m awesome.

Despanan: Really? That’s IT? [shakes head] Man, that is the weakest plot-hole filler I ever heard.

Apathy: You got a point there, actually. However, since this is pretty much plotless mind-vomit written on the hoof, you’re stuck with whatever weapons you can find from scavenging until YOU become awesome. Now shut up for a minute, all of you. [turns back to Ophie who’s been swinging her legs and continuing to scribble, completely nonplussed, while this has been going on]So you don’t know ANYTHING about any of the others? [sighs as she shakes her head] Shit. I think we’re gonna have to go back to headquarters and check the building for survivors.

Ophie: Speak for yourself. I ain’t going back there.

Apathy: But some of them might still be trapped inside!

Ophie: ... Dude. Irredeemable bitch?

Apathy: Oh, yeah. [sighs, then shrugs] Okay. Guess we’d better get going.

Ophie: [astonished at his (admittedly impressive] dauntlessness] You’re really going back in there?

Apathy: I have to. Hero, remember? [stands tall under the weight of a hefty burden, staring dramatically into the distance at an angle that shows off his impressively chiselled jaw to its best advantage] No one else is awesome enough to pull it off. It has to be me.

Kontan: [raising hand] Does this mean WE can stay behind?

Apathy: No you can’t. You’re the comic relief. Now haul ass.

Ophie: One more thing. Vin and I escaped from the roof. And there was something up there.

Saya: You mean BESIDES the zombies?

Ophie: Yeah. I don’t know what it was. It looked... I don’t know. Kind of human, only stooped... long hair... like some sort of wild-man.

Kontan: [whispering fearfully to Desp] Oh shit! It’s KammadinniBOOYAH!

Apathy: [frowning] Human?

Ophie: I don’t know. It was human-sized, and it didn’t move like the undead, but there was just something... OFF about it.

Apathy: How big was it?

Ophie: Not that big. Kinda skinny, as a matter of fact. But still pretty freaky. It passed by right near us while we were hiding. There were these weird noises, like it was, I dunno, mumbling to itself. Nothing I could make out. [shrugs] Just a head’s up – you might wanna be careful. I think there’s something more than zombies in headquarters.

Desp: [whispering to K] See? Relax. KammadinniBOOYAH is over eight feet tall, and DEFINITELY does not qualify as skinny. We just need to chill, and keep our heads.

Apathy: Okay. Thanks for the tip, Oph.

Ophie: [no problem] No problem. It’s no secret that I find you thigh-meltingly attractive.

Apathy: [sighing indulgently as Saya hisses at Ophie like a cat] Yeah, yeah... [he moves back against the wall and exits in the same way they entered, leading the rag-tag group back into formation masterfully like a true general. Ophie resumes scribbling.]

Vin: [extinguishing the butt and realizing there’s now nothing to take her mind off the munchies] I’m HUNGRY.

Ophie: [unwraps the leash from her wrist and tosses it at Vin without looking up] There’s some cans inside. Go eat something. That ghetto booty gets skinny on me, I’m throwing it to the undead.

Vin: Man, I could eat some fried chicken.

Ophie: Sorry, kid. Beans or frankfurters.

Vin: [moodily] SUCKS. [brightening] Hey, you should write something about black people, and how they ate up all the fried chicken in the world! [again without looking up, Ophie elbows her in the face, knocking her backwards. She disappears from shot with a muffled THUMP. FADE TO BLACK.]

If I'm not in it then it ain't worth fuck T, you should know that.

It's okay Dickie... you don't have to explain. I hear the words you're really saying: "DO ME DO ME DO ME!!!!"

P.S. Goddamnit, would you colon-munchers quit forcing me to rearrange the INGENIOUS storyline I've plotted? I already know how this shit pans out, writing your fairweather asses in is a major interruption of my process.

That's it. If Gothicus rocks up I'm punching him in the dick.

Bahahahaha!

I'm kidding around, little man. I don't hang around here enough to deserve a cameo, I just wanted to lob shit at you before I disappear into the mist again.

I'd like to present you with: the passive-aggressive backpedal of the year award! Congratulations. [confetti streams gloriously]

Whatever, at least I know now that you still think of me fondly from time to time. This knowledge will be a marginal source of comfort to me as I soak my pillow with tears through the long lonely nights.

The fuck've you been anyway?

You know, I think the fact that I'm choosing to be high during all this, is something I would really do. You're good at this.

My girlfriend dumped me so I've been nursing my newfound alcoholism.

EPIC LOLZ. fer srs.