my girl, my vampire, by joe V.S. baker (me)
 

i see her standin there,
the moonlight flowin through her jet black hair,
the shadows at her feet,
shes the one for me,

i walk up to her and she smiles,
we stand there starin for a while,
and then she laughs and takes my hand,
and we walk away

shes my poisen orchid
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
to even look away is painful

shes lying there on a bed of black roses,
with her eyes she wills me to come over,
i fall into her sweet embrace,
i wish i could stay there forever

i wake up, shes nowhere to be seen,
i wonder if it was all a dream,
but on her pillow she left a little note:
'till next time'

shes my poisen orchid,
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
when im not with her its painful

that night when im walkin home,
raindrops chillen me to the bone,
i see her standin in the dark,
her eyes locked onto mine

i ran over to embrace her,
never thought that id have to chase her,
she slipped away into the darkness,
and i followed her,

shes my poisen orchid,
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
to even look away is painfull

in the darkness we did stay,
untill the end of both our days,
her love was a methanphetamin
we never said a word,

we do not need nobody else,
just me and her all by ourselves,
i know by lookin in her eyes,
she loves me,

shes my poisen orchid,
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
without her my life is painful

we were together for eternity,
in the darkness just her and me,
i will love her to the end of days,
she my vampire

It's very simplistic, cliche', and not to mention fuuuuuuuull of typos.
This has got to be a joke. Seriously, who's behind this? XD

Please make an intro post, dear.
No, read this, and THEN make an intro post.
So far, I think that you are a troll.
If you are not, go to school and learn about spelling and good grammar.

thankyou for your positive feedback, it helps, alot, and i didnt know i was a troll......

Troll!
Shun!
Shuuuuuuuunn!

How can moonlight flow through jet black hair?

O_o

And answer the introduction questions in the Intro forum!

I guess it was okay at best...

Good goth...I am going to be the oddball here and say I rather like this one. Typos are done, sure, but overall he writes a beautiful narrative. His repeating descriptions I thought were nice, but apparently I am going to sound as if I am defending a troll and then be accused of hypocrisy. I think I am just about done with gnet's trolls and rudeness. I even have a small, and per say unexpected disappointment for some senior members here supporting such rudeness. I am not sure if I should still stay here. I really do love this place. :(
Goth Forever
Goth Forever
Goth Forever

Well, the poem's okay, I can't say it's a masterpiece or something. The typos make it a bit annoying.

Don't go, Vyvian! Who else will support us in our never-ending battle towards rudeness if you leave? Cheer up, and bear with us!

You guys are so negative =P
I liked it! =D

Really?
Read To Daffodils by Robert Herrick and tell me which one's poetry.

Godslayer Jillian: not everyone's writing is as perfect as yours. You don't have to accept mediocrity, but you also don't have to be cruel, cold and harsh to people's work. I know it builds charecter, but I could imagine this only occuring in my dreams; for I could never shun someone who even has the bravery to display their work here.

Goth Forever

The work can be improved, but you are right on one point; it takes guts to display work for anyone to critique. I know firsthand that it's not easy, and if you're willing to display your work, you deserve credit.

I'll give the writer that.

When it comes to writing, I'll always be brusquely critical; second only to Sprite perhaps.
Edgar Allan Poe was relentless to other writers.
Coleridge never liked what he wrote.
If one believes his writing is good from the beginning, he's lying to himself.

Granted, Jillian, you make a strong point and statement. Your words are indeed insightful and always relevant. However, not all people have braced themselves for your critiques, much less on these forums. But that's only my opinion.
Goth Forever

They still haven't made an introduction.

God, and neither did a load of other members here. Plus, you've already made this person endure the harsh critique's of his writings. Why would he consider posting an introduction with such trauma? It's trying to love the thorn that pierces flesh with each embrace.
Goth Forever

True, true. Very well then Vyvyan, for your sake, let me try this:

Dark Revelation: the flow of your writing would be smoother if the grammar was correct, so that the reader is not interrupted in the dream flow by the errors.

Try it again. Also, may I suggest

"the moonlight's faintly sheen
revealed her black hair"

instead of

"the moonlight flowin through her jet black hair"

because "jet black" seems too harsh for what is supposed to be a dark romance. In my humble opinion anyway. If the poem was about robot love or something then "jet black" might be appropriate.

Goodness. HumanePain, you are one of the kindest and worthest beings among this place. You are so kind and never foolish. You didn't have to grant me any knowledge of truths. It's only a sad fact among here. Another one is that so many people are nice at first, yet getting to know them here they turn against you and shatter you traumatically. The excuse? Apparently the ignore button heals boo-boos. Yet I did defend this poet for artistic justice.
Goth Forever

Not true, but thanks Vyv. And defending poetic justice is why I capitulated (because you are right to do so). One thing I have learned in my 51 years is to know when to admit the other bloke has a good point and to relinquish a poorly standing opinion. :)

Vy, I have to know who you are referring to. It's worrying me.

Yeah, I was wondering that too...?

Vyv, I beg of you please don't tell anyone, I like that person.
Forgiveness, yes? :: puppy dog eyes ::

Vyv, this guy's writing is terrible. But... I guess my criticism ought to be a little more "positive". Gnet's just gone through so many trolls that behave in a similar manner to this guy, and that's why I was so hostile to him, I guess. I'll try to be more considerate. Whether intentional or not, you've pointed this out to me.

i guess i could fix up the grammer a little bit, i apolagise for that, and i hope that all my later works will be better and more pleasing to read, and i most graciously thank all those people who actualy liked my poem, i was a bit worried about postting it, so, yeah, thanks

Don't be worried =]
I just posted something too [Literature], and my heart was pounding out of my chest- I was so nervous! xD
You respond to critisism well and you seem like you want to learn and improve. Once everybody sees that, they will critisize you much less. =]
They've just been tough on the newbs lateley... Though if you havn't posted an introduction please do. There is a questionair that needs to be filled out...
https://www.gothic.net/boards/showthread.php?t=1644
Thank you! ^^

Definitely I'll give him that, and it's something big to have.
But Joe, you have to read more poetry. Look for works by Herbert Spencer, Percy Shelley, Alexander Pope, and obviously Shakespeare.
They all have very different styles, so you can learn about them all.
Look at the beauty of their poems. They don't just write when they have nothing to do. Each poem is meticulously polished to perfection after an epiphany.
Anything you write because you had the idea to write, consider it exercise. Real poetry doesn't come unless you came to a realization of life.
You don't go chiseling a block of marble to give it a vague form and then see what you can do with that form. You discover the art imprisoned in the block and simply let it out. That's art.

Good goth...I understand your criticism, of how his themes are cliched. Yet I myself can never see me harshly shunning someone as a writer. This is used to many of you here, of course. And I most definatley have no problem with that. However, when I see a poem I like I am going to say it. For a newcomer this work was good if you take out the typos. It's understandable to think he's a troll, but you just haven't let him speak. The first thing he in Gnet was your response. And I would take this as productive criticism, but it's just his first time. Gothic.net has disappointed me with the new arrvials.
================================================== ======
Groan...the asshole I am talking about, regarding the other posts, has haressed me for my writing, what I've said; and I hate this person. It (for no longer do I see this has a sensible being) has been a shithole and IT'S writing sucks so much that it's laughable. I despise this person for it's traumatized me and embaressed me publicly here. And HP, I am sorry but I shall NEVER forgive that person. Never. If he or she replies again, I might as well leave this hellhole. I am disappointed in you all. I am disappointed and disgusted. I should leave. I should. But I can't. This place is like home, and yet you are the rose, and this person, who has harassed me for so long and caused me so much pain, are thorns. Not the black thorns, but the thorns that pierce my flesh each time I visit here. I should leave. But I can't.

Goth Forever
Goth Forever
Goth Forever

I don't ever remember anyone humiliating you...?
...

Great. Right. That's because it happened months before you joined. And HumanePain, I love that you're nice to everyone on this site usually, but I don't love that you favour someone whose caused me so much pain. The same applies with you, Jillian. And I'm usually ignored by you guys.


Goth Forever

It's ok... I alot of people on this site ignore me...
and if it happened months ago, why is it suddanly hitting you now? Sorry If I am getting too personal... I have no other way of contacting you outside of Gnet...

God there's so many answers for that. I've been fueding with my family, and this was for a long time one of the few places I could escape for a bit here. I never thought of it constantley or with emotion, though. But being haressed here and in real life is hell. I fear that with these haressments, this newcomer will endure the thoughts of Jillian's criticism and emotionally it will destroy him. Everyone outside will notice him upset because of this. But how can he explain he joined a forum when he's already embaressed to show what Jillian said about his writing? But this always happens.

Goth Forever

Look, I've had to endure my share of backstabbing on the internet in general, as well as in real life. When people insult me, it hurts. It hurts any and everyone. But I use it to make something beautiful, and to get stronger from it. Every hit makes you stronger; remember that.

Guess that's reasonable. Thank you Aaroneet.
Goth Forever

As they in french, "Ce n'est pas grave".
("It was no big deal".)

At least DarkRevalations got any replies at all. Just lookit my double-poem post. None! *cuts himself with a stuffed rabbit*

Oh, I saw that...

*goes to comment*

The poem is not that bad, but it needs to be capitalized, and needs to be proofred.