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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
06-18-2007, 08:49 PM
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#1
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: In the well, with Timmy
Posts: 156
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my girl, my vampire, by joe V.S. baker (me)
i see her standin there,
the moonlight flowin through her jet black hair,
the shadows at her feet,
shes the one for me,
i walk up to her and she smiles,
we stand there starin for a while,
and then she laughs and takes my hand,
and we walk away
shes my poisen orchid
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
to even look away is painful
shes lying there on a bed of black roses,
with her eyes she wills me to come over,
i fall into her sweet embrace,
i wish i could stay there forever
i wake up, shes nowhere to be seen,
i wonder if it was all a dream,
but on her pillow she left a little note:
'till next time'
shes my poisen orchid,
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
when im not with her its painful
that night when im walkin home,
raindrops chillen me to the bone,
i see her standin in the dark,
her eyes locked onto mine
i ran over to embrace her,
never thought that id have to chase her,
she slipped away into the darkness,
and i followed her,
shes my poisen orchid,
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
to even look away is painfull
in the darkness we did stay,
untill the end of both our days,
her love was a methanphetamin
we never said a word,
we do not need nobody else,
just me and her all by ourselves,
i know by lookin in her eyes,
she loves me,
shes my poisen orchid,
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
without her my life is painful
we were together for eternity,
in the darkness just her and me,
i will love her to the end of days,
she my vampire
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06-18-2007, 10:52 PM
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#2
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Blountsville, AL
Posts: 2,619
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It's very simplistic, cliche', and not to mention fuuuuuuuull of typos.
This has got to be a joke. Seriously, who's behind this? XD
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06-18-2007, 11:01 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: In a magical cupcake world.
Posts: 878
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Please make an intro post, dear.
No, read this, and THEN make an intro post.
So far, I think that you are a troll.
If you are not, go to school and learn about spelling and good grammar.
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06-18-2007, 11:11 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: In the well, with Timmy
Posts: 156
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thankyou for your positive feedback, it helps, alot, and i didnt know i was a troll......
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06-18-2007, 11:23 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: In a magical cupcake world.
Posts: 878
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Troll!
Shun!
Shuuuuuuuunn!
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06-19-2007, 03:10 AM
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#6
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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How can moonlight flow through jet black hair?
O_o
And answer the introduction questions in the Intro forum!
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06-19-2007, 04:17 AM
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#7
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Flushing, NY
Posts: 3,206
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I guess it was okay at best...
__________________
"Live for today, but know that tomorrow always comes- even if not for you."-MollyMac
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06-19-2007, 09:13 AM
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#8
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a black hole with a black moon
Posts: 2,658
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Good goth...I am going to be the oddball here and say I rather like this one. Typos are done, sure, but overall he writes a beautiful narrative. His repeating descriptions I thought were nice, but apparently I am going to sound as if I am defending a troll and then be accused of hypocrisy. I think I am just about done with gnet's trolls and rudeness. I even have a small, and per say unexpected disappointment for some senior members here supporting such rudeness. I am not sure if I should still stay here. I really do love this place. 
Goth Forever
Goth Forever
Goth Forever
__________________
"I think in some way I wanted it to end, even if it meant my own destruction."
-Jeffrey Dahmer
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06-19-2007, 09:29 AM
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#9
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Bucharest, Romania
Posts: 468
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Well, the poem's okay, I can't say it's a masterpiece or something. The typos make it a bit annoying.
Don't go, Vyvian! Who else will support us in our never-ending battle towards rudeness if you leave? Cheer up, and bear with us!
__________________
"I have cultivated my hysteria with delight and terror. Now I suffer continually from vertigo, and today, 23rd of January, 1862, I have received a singular warning, I have felt the wind of the wing of madness pass over me." - Charles Baudelaire
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06-19-2007, 04:50 PM
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#10
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: In between the gods of time
Posts: 1,334
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You guys are so negative =P
I liked it! =D
__________________
To the somethingness
Which prevents the nothingness
Like Homer's wild boar
From trashing this way and that
Its white tusks
Through human beings
Like crackling stalks
And to nothing less
I offer this suffering of my father
"The Offering" - Stan Rice
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06-19-2007, 04:52 PM
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#11
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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Really?
Read To Daffodils by Robert Herrick and tell me which one's poetry.
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
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Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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06-19-2007, 04:56 PM
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#12
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a black hole with a black moon
Posts: 2,658
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Godslayer Jillian: not everyone's writing is as perfect as yours. You don't have to accept mediocrity, but you also don't have to be cruel, cold and harsh to people's work. I know it builds charecter, but I could imagine this only occuring in my dreams; for I could never shun someone who even has the bravery to display their work here.
Goth Forever
__________________
"I think in some way I wanted it to end, even if it meant my own destruction."
-Jeffrey Dahmer
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06-19-2007, 05:01 PM
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#13
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Flushing, NY
Posts: 3,206
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The work can be improved, but you are right on one point; it takes guts to display work for anyone to critique. I know firsthand that it's not easy, and if you're willing to display your work, you deserve credit.
I'll give the writer that.
__________________
"Live for today, but know that tomorrow always comes- even if not for you."-MollyMac
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06-19-2007, 05:03 PM
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#14
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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When it comes to writing, I'll always be brusquely critical; second only to Sprite perhaps.
Edgar Allan Poe was relentless to other writers.
Coleridge never liked what he wrote.
If one believes his writing is good from the beginning, he's lying to himself.
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
Quote:
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Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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06-19-2007, 06:33 PM
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#15
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a black hole with a black moon
Posts: 2,658
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Granted, Jillian, you make a strong point and statement. Your words are indeed insightful and always relevant. However, not all people have braced themselves for your critiques, much less on these forums. But that's only my opinion.
Goth Forever
__________________
"I think in some way I wanted it to end, even if it meant my own destruction."
-Jeffrey Dahmer
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06-19-2007, 06:55 PM
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#16
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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They still haven't made an introduction.
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06-19-2007, 06:57 PM
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#17
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a black hole with a black moon
Posts: 2,658
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God, and neither did a load of other members here. Plus, you've already made this person endure the harsh critique's of his writings. Why would he consider posting an introduction with such trauma? It's trying to love the thorn that pierces flesh with each embrace.
Goth Forever
__________________
"I think in some way I wanted it to end, even if it meant my own destruction."
-Jeffrey Dahmer
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06-19-2007, 07:03 PM
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#18
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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True, true. Very well then Vyvyan, for your sake, let me try this:
Dark Revelation: the flow of your writing would be smoother if the grammar was correct, so that the reader is not interrupted in the dream flow by the errors.
Try it again. Also, may I suggest
"the moonlight's faintly sheen
revealed her black hair"
instead of
"the moonlight flowin through her jet black hair"
because "jet black" seems too harsh for what is supposed to be a dark romance. In my humble opinion anyway. If the poem was about robot love or something then "jet black" might be appropriate.
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06-19-2007, 07:06 PM
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#19
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a black hole with a black moon
Posts: 2,658
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Goodness. HumanePain, you are one of the kindest and worthest beings among this place. You are so kind and never foolish. You didn't have to grant me any knowledge of truths. It's only a sad fact among here. Another one is that so many people are nice at first, yet getting to know them here they turn against you and shatter you traumatically. The excuse? Apparently the ignore button heals boo-boos. Yet I did defend this poet for artistic justice.
Goth Forever
__________________
"I think in some way I wanted it to end, even if it meant my own destruction."
-Jeffrey Dahmer
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06-19-2007, 07:11 PM
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#20
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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Not true, but thanks Vyv. And defending poetic justice is why I capitulated (because you are right to do so). One thing I have learned in my 51 years is to know when to admit the other bloke has a good point and to relinquish a poorly standing opinion. 
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06-19-2007, 07:48 PM
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#21
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Vyvian Blackthorne
so many people are nice at first, yet getting to know them here they turn against you and shatter you traumatically.[/color]
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Vy, I have to know who you are referring to. It's worrying me.
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
Quote:
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Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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06-19-2007, 07:51 PM
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#22
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: In between the gods of time
Posts: 1,334
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian
Vy, I have to know who you are referring to. It's worrying me.
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Yeah, I was wondering that too...?
__________________
To the somethingness
Which prevents the nothingness
Like Homer's wild boar
From trashing this way and that
Its white tusks
Through human beings
Like crackling stalks
And to nothing less
I offer this suffering of my father
"The Offering" - Stan Rice
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06-19-2007, 08:02 PM
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#23
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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Vyv, I beg of you please don't tell anyone, I like that person.
Forgiveness, yes? :: puppy dog eyes ::
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06-19-2007, 08:37 PM
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#24
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Blountsville, AL
Posts: 2,619
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Vyvian Blackthorne
Yet I did defend this poet for artistic justice.
Goth Forever
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Vyv, this guy's writing is terrible. But... I guess my criticism ought to be a little more "positive". Gnet's just gone through so many trolls that behave in a similar manner to this guy, and that's why I was so hostile to him, I guess. I'll try to be more considerate. Whether intentional or not, you've pointed this out to me.
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06-19-2007, 09:45 PM
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#25
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: In the well, with Timmy
Posts: 156
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i guess i could fix up the grammer a little bit, i apolagise for that, and i hope that all my later works will be better and more pleasing to read, and i most graciously thank all those people who actualy liked my poem, i was a bit worried about postting it, so, yeah, thanks
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