my girl, my vampire, by joe V.S. baker (me)
 

i see her standin there,
the moonlight flowin through her jet black hair,
the shadows at her feet,
shes the one for me,

i walk up to her and she smiles,
we stand there starin for a while,
and then she laughs and takes my hand,
and we walk away

shes my poisen orchid
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
to even look away is painful

shes lying there on a bed of black roses,
with her eyes she wills me to come over,
i fall into her sweet embrace,
i wish i could stay there forever

i wake up, shes nowhere to be seen,
i wonder if it was all a dream,
but on her pillow she left a little note:
'till next time'

shes my poisen orchid,
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
when im not with her its painful

that night when im walkin home,
raindrops chillen me to the bone,
i see her standin in the dark,
her eyes locked onto mine

i ran over to embrace her,
never thought that id have to chase her,
she slipped away into the darkness,
and i followed her,

shes my poisen orchid,
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
to even look away is painfull

in the darkness we did stay,
untill the end of both our days,
her love was a methanphetamin
we never said a word,

we do not need nobody else,
just me and her all by ourselves,
i know by lookin in her eyes,
she loves me,

shes my poisen orchid,
my deadly angel,
my pale white gothic girl,
without her my life is painful

we were together for eternity,
in the darkness just her and me,
i will love her to the end of days,
she my vampire

It's very simplistic, cliche', and not to mention fuuuuuuuull of typos.
This has got to be a joke. Seriously, who's behind this? XD

Please make an intro post, dear.
No, read this, and THEN make an intro post.
So far, I think that you are a troll.
If you are not, go to school and learn about spelling and good grammar.

thankyou for your positive feedback, it helps, alot, and i didnt know i was a troll......

Troll!
Shun!
Shuuuuuuuunn!

How can moonlight flow through jet black hair?

O_o

And answer the introduction questions in the Intro forum!

I guess it was okay at best...

Good goth...I am going to be the oddball here and say I rather like this one. Typos are done, sure, but overall he writes a beautiful narrative. His repeating descriptions I thought were nice, but apparently I am going to sound as if I am defending a troll and then be accused of hypocrisy. I think I am just about done with gnet's trolls and rudeness. I even have a small, and per say unexpected disappointment for some senior members here supporting such rudeness. I am not sure if I should still stay here. I really do love this place. :(
Goth Forever
Goth Forever
Goth Forever

Well, the poem's okay, I can't say it's a masterpiece or something. The typos make it a bit annoying.

Don't go, Vyvian! Who else will support us in our never-ending battle towards rudeness if you leave? Cheer up, and bear with us!

You guys are so negative =P
I liked it! =D

Really?
Read To Daffodils by Robert Herrick and tell me which one's poetry.

Godslayer Jillian: not everyone's writing is as perfect as yours. You don't have to accept mediocrity, but you also don't have to be cruel, cold and harsh to people's work. I know it builds charecter, but I could imagine this only occuring in my dreams; for I could never shun someone who even has the bravery to display their work here.

Goth Forever

The work can be improved, but you are right on one point; it takes guts to display work for anyone to critique. I know firsthand that it's not easy, and if you're willing to display your work, you deserve credit.

I'll give the writer that.

When it comes to writing, I'll always be brusquely critical; second only to Sprite perhaps.
Edgar Allan Poe was relentless to other writers.
Coleridge never liked what he wrote.
If one believes his writing is good from the beginning, he's lying to himself.

Granted, Jillian, you make a strong point and statement. Your words are indeed insightful and always relevant. However, not all people have braced themselves for your critiques, much less on these forums. But that's only my opinion.
Goth Forever

They still haven't made an introduction.

God, and neither did a load of other members here. Plus, you've already made this person endure the harsh critique's of his writings. Why would he consider posting an introduction with such trauma? It's trying to love the thorn that pierces flesh with each embrace.
Goth Forever

True, true. Very well then Vyvyan, for your sake, let me try this:

Dark Revelation: the flow of your writing would be smoother if the grammar was correct, so that the reader is not interrupted in the dream flow by the errors.

Try it again. Also, may I suggest

"the moonlight's faintly sheen
revealed her black hair"

instead of

"the moonlight flowin through her jet black hair"

because "jet black" seems too harsh for what is supposed to be a dark romance. In my humble opinion anyway. If the poem was about robot love or something then "jet black" might be appropriate.

Goodness. HumanePain, you are one of the kindest and worthest beings among this place. You are so kind and never foolish. You didn't have to grant me any knowledge of truths. It's only a sad fact among here. Another one is that so many people are nice at first, yet getting to know them here they turn against you and shatter you traumatically. The excuse? Apparently the ignore button heals boo-boos. Yet I did defend this poet for artistic justice.
Goth Forever

Not true, but thanks Vyv. And defending poetic justice is why I capitulated (because you are right to do so). One thing I have learned in my 51 years is to know when to admit the other bloke has a good point and to relinquish a poorly standing opinion. :)

Vy, I have to know who you are referring to. It's worrying me.

Yeah, I was wondering that too...?

Vyv, I beg of you please don't tell anyone, I like that person.
Forgiveness, yes? :: puppy dog eyes ::

Vyv, this guy's writing is terrible. But... I guess my criticism ought to be a little more "positive". Gnet's just gone through so many trolls that behave in a similar manner to this guy, and that's why I was so hostile to him, I guess. I'll try to be more considerate. Whether intentional or not, you've pointed this out to me.

i guess i could fix up the grammer a little bit, i apolagise for that, and i hope that all my later works will be better and more pleasing to read, and i most graciously thank all those people who actualy liked my poem, i was a bit worried about postting it, so, yeah, thanks