sorry i suck with computers

Twisted-mind · 08-27-2008, 08:41 AM

Eh, I'm new here so just bare with me please.
I'm young, depressed, hated by many, hurt but in a physical sense i'm not abused.
My favorite band is a toss between 'My Chemical Romance' and 'Shindown'
My hobbies include sketching,writing, reading, walking, and playing guitar(when I have strings)
When it comes to modern technology i suck horribly and my typeing is extremly slow which is probably why my book isn't done.
I've tried or my parents have tried shrinks, they are no good, and once i wasn't like this....weak. As for Little Vampire, he doesn't trust me right now since last night.

LiUsAiDh · 08-27-2008, 08:57 AM

Thank you for making the thread.

Twisted-mind · 08-27-2008, 09:02 AM

you are quite welcome, thank you for responding to my whining it means a lot to me

LiUsAiDh · 08-27-2008, 09:10 AM

Thank you, but you need to be more specific or we can't help.

Twisted-mind · 08-27-2008, 09:29 AM

ever since my first boyfriend left i've been messed up to the point of insanity, all year i've taken to hateing him, trusting the words of others and trusting his actions torwards me. I've forced myself to believe he hated me all along till now. I feel guilty for the things i've said to him and done. Little Vampire has been there for me but doesn't realize how horrible i feel and that anything can break through the fragile bubble of reason and denial which takes forever to construct. -------------I had the bubble up and blocking all this bullshit called emotion but it was also holding back needs that i have been refusing. Little Vampire was teasing me last night after he had made me promise it was the last time. he was only testing me but it was enough to pop the bubble. first i was angry at him and wanted payback so i tried teasing him back, then he mentioned what he had just done in a game he was playing. I lost control, what little i had. My back started throbbing and it shot into my skull, it took all of my consitration to keep from curling into a ball, screaming bloody murder and sobbing until my throat bled. we were texting and i told him i wanted to die, i had promised him before that i wouldn't think that again, he got angry and left me to writh in my pain, now he won't talk to me

Joker_in_the_Pack · 08-27-2008, 12:26 PM

Holy shit! A STERIOTYPE! RUN AWAY!!!!

LiUsAiDh · 08-28-2008, 05:37 AM

Oh. I thought your parents had died horribly in front of you or something.

Little Vampire reminds me of this:

http://www.*********************.com/Friend_Zone

You sound very young, you have lots to live for, suicide is a stupid idea, over a fucking boyfriend. >_>

Little Vampire still sounds sane. Talk to him, you seem to have pent up emotions, talking will help them.

'What little I had' The fuck. You've lost your boyfriend. Not your house, your family, your sanity. I suggest you speak with some people who've had genuinely bad problems in life. It may be enlightening for you, and make you see how lucky you are.

You said him breaking his promise was what first upset you; but then you go on to say that you broke your own promise back. Don't you think he'll feel just as bad as you do now? Especially since he seems to be under the impression that he's just made you suicidal. Telling him that was rather selfish.

He left you to writhe in your pain? Fuck off. I wouldn't talk to you either if you went that ape shit over me teasing you. He was just pissed off with you, he hasn't ended your friendship and cast you out into the darkness, he fucked off to go home and eat his dinner.

My diagnosis is that you're upset, and you should apologise to 'Little Vampire' for saying you're suicidal (either face to face or on the phone, not texting), and then talk through your issues with him and try to get over them. From what you said, there seems to be no real 'big issue' your world isn't collapsing from the evils of humanity, you just feel rejection from your boyfriend.

Tam Li Hua · 08-29-2008, 07:03 AM

I'd have to agree with LiU on this. While I know that rejection, especially from a first love, is painful, there are -much- worse things that could happen to you.

However, whatever that pain was in your back and head doesn't sound like a normal reaction to anger or stress at all. I would suggest getting that checked out by a medical doctor ASAP; there may be something serious going on there.

As for therapists...well, it depends on what you are going to them for, and who you have. If you are going because you want help changing your life, then they are helpful [if you get someone you gel with]. But if you aren't willing to work on your problems with the therapist, you won't get anywhere. :/

Therapy did a load of good for me, so if you truly need one, I hope you find someone who can help you.

Twisted-mind · 08-29-2008, 08:16 AM

he's not my boyfriend hes a friend and you have no idea what i mean by writhing in pain either. We talked that day he was here with me. he wasn't pissed either and the therapist shit doesn't work for me
(i've had more than five normally around the time i've picked the mess up none-the-less), this is exactly why i didn't want to talk about it. For your information i KNOW others have it worse than me which is why this is one of the first times i've reached out. I normally don't except help from anyone, but this summer the dreams stopped, the headaches got worse and the lonliness was more evident.

Maybe physicallly i haven't lost my family but since my sister was born they haven't been there.

Even for her, but i was. They don't realize that without me she would have died because of their ignorance.

You have no idea....as for boyfriend's i do have one and the issues there are mainly that i love him and willing to do anything to make him happy which is why i think he deserves better. I'm young yes but i feel old, more and more each day.

Whatever it was that i did to all those people i wish i knew so i wouldn't do it again. It would have been better if he'd said something before he left, i probably wouldn't have taken it as hard.

Once more i apologize for the wimpy bullshit that i put up here i never should have. My problems shouldn't become your burden though i am greatful you took the time to hear or read rather.

Tam Li Hua · 08-29-2008, 08:23 AM

Twisted: I think the difficulty here is that you are only giving us part of the story, so it's really hard for us to understand what's going on, and from the way you talked about this guy, it sounded like it -was- a break-up. [Though I can fully understand how 'breaking up' with a friend can be just as hard. :/ ]

I'm not sure what you mean about your family, exactly. Could you clarify? Are they neglectful of her in some way? Do they not feed her or something.

Regarding therapy, that's a lot of therapists. If you don't mind me asking, why were you going to them? What condition were you seeing them for?

About the headaches, have you been to a regular doctor? I mean, it sounds like a serious condition, and something not to be taken lightly...

[Note: You don't have to tell us anything you aren't comfortable with sharing.

]

LiUsAiDh · 08-29-2008, 08:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tam Li Hua

Twisted: I think the difficulty here is that you are only giving us part of the story, so it's really hard for us to understand what's going on,

I concur. Either spout it all out or shut up, nobody can make an accurate diagnosis with only half the symptoms.

Quote:

Once more i apologize for the wimpy bullshit that i put up here i never should have. My problems shouldn't become your burden though i am greatful you took the time to hear or read rather.

Stop moping and start explaining.

Twisted-mind · 08-29-2008, 10:04 AM

fine! My family has deep issues on my mothers side because her older sister died at eleven, she was run over by a tractor on that very farm, after that my grandpa cheated on my grandma with a sixteen year old and she got depressed and started eating more and more leaving my other aunt to take care of mom, my uncle and my third aunt. My grandmother is now obiese and won't get off her lazy ass and my mother is a spoiled bitch who has no money to spend yet she barrows and spends everyboyelses. My dad's side of the family isn't like this at all, actually his life was just poverty and his parents divorced.

When i was four my sister was born, we moved to this fucked up town that my father spent the rest of his teen years before my mom came in and ruind his chances at becomeing something. (He doesn't see it that way i do).
My father not used to taking care of others went to his truck and my mother after a year went to the couch and complained about working too hard.
At five i fed, bathed, loved and protected my sister from the cruel words and reactions of others.
I did this until i was ten, my only friend was a cat and i was able to take care of myself, sis and the cat with no problem.
then FIA came along. (Family Independence Agentcey other words child protective services)
Before them the dreams had become serious.
Liz and i were taken into custody and sent to a family in Sturgis.
There we were force fed. I left eighty pounds of fit lean muscle and came back one hundred fifty pounds of fat that couldn't run or even breathe.
At eleven it was hard trying to come back and get reaquainted with people who didn't even remember me.
I found and made a couple friends that moved and never kept in contact even though i did.
Every year now that has happened, new friend no friend.
Fifth grade i became suicidal but the idea didn't come to my head till seventh grade when i actually tried it.
In sixth grade my mother dragged me to work i worked there for three years, my grandparents farm. through fevers, migranes, dillusions and sore limbs. The summer of 2004 is when the headaches started, over the years they got worse. The dreams mellowed but time and time again i have a vivid one, maybe too vivid. The dreaming started at four.
For mainly my whole sixth grade year i never spoke, through sixth and seventh grade i never smiled, i had grown completely numb to everything in my life pain including two years of no emotion, seven years of no steady friendships or family to lean on.
that summer i had constant vivid dreams of a guy, he was blond alone and just as cold as i was. At this point i was in summer school with his brother. this guy looked exactly and acted exactly like my first boyfriend, chris. In eigth grade i met chris. We had a lot in common, it scared him how much we were alike. He thought i was psycic and stuff like that. For once in my life i felt, i loved, smiled and laughed. People couldn't shut me up either. he gave me a ring the day i was thrwon against the wall by my dad. The night before i had fallen over a pipe and landed on the metal bucket i was takeing to the milkhouse. I had landed on my ribs.
Everything was going smoothly until i noticed a change in his demeanor. I tried to talk to him but he wouldn't hear, I started craveing for the numbness to come back. My drawing skills were at their height, I haven't been able to draw quite right since.
I sat under the table a lot, fighting off the urge to cry. My new friend jordan came over to the table the day that i couldn't control myself. When he saw how i looked he kept people away for me. He moved that year.
I was rocking and shaking at the same time, i felt it deep in my gut that something was wrong with chris.
when the bell rang i had a hard time opening my locker, it was a piece of shit normally but this was worse. I can't remember how times i punched the fucking thing before it opened. While i was battling with the locker it seemed liked the whole population of preppy girls were asking me what happened. (being with chris brightened my mood and brain for that matter it's like he drugged me or something because i was popular)
I guess that i was shaking badly enough that it looked like i was nodding when they asked if chris had dumped me.
My head started throbbing that day.
Finally the lock unhitched itself and i slammed the door open leaving dents on the locker beside it but the babble of girls was too much.
i threw all my books to the floor and left turning passed the corner.
There i punched anything that was solid and around before i broke down sobbing.
My teacher who was probably my best friend helped me figure out what i should do. (I always get along better with adults which scares a lot of the people my age, its too weird for them i guess.)
I wrote him a note, chris and i do not take a liking to emotion so i left the details out i was already embarrased.
I gave him the note the next morning, everthing was fine he seemed better. (Apparantly something had upset him the night before which kept him from saying goodbye. I was glad for that, i couldn't let him see me like that.)
He read it, and never showed up to talk. He never talked to me again.
The rest of the school year went wrong. my grades decreased and i was actually passing everything with A's and B's, was. My headaches worsened along with my dreams. The migranes lasted up to four days.
It was like a brick wall came up around me or i was plagued. Friends left again, only a few remained though. A small few.
That summer i was horrible, my eldest aunt kept dogging me about how to sweep and how to water the cows. She left cups everywhwere in the parlor and i always threw them.
I left a note one night and she saw it, it was rather rude.
So she stated dogging on my mother about it. I was in a good mood that night but her talking about me as i walked by and acting like i didn't exist ripped that out of the ass.
so i calmly told her that she should be yelling at me not mom.
She did but it was 'not to speak to her'
I yelled back 'fine i won't talk to you again' (childish and stupid i know)
and slammed the door.
After that she blew up and opened the door just to yell at me about respect when at this point i had received none for the work i had done for her when she was tired or sick.
everything i had been holding down for so long blew up.
I slapped her, (wow big deal right) she slapped back, as i did once more.
She slammed me against the wall but i was enraged.
This is bad concidering that she has worked there for twenty years and is larger than i by over a hundred pounds. Somehow in my anger i nearly had her on the floor but my mother stepped in and slammed me against the wall so that beth could do what she wanted.
I was slapped repeatedly to be fair i slapped back. So she punched me in the side.
After this feud i was shakeing all over, it was a rush.
Tipping over the only thing keeping me up i listened as she told me i was 'fucked up in the head' and 'that i needed help'
after she left i continued working, sweeping up the mounds of shit that were left over that night.
The next time my mother saw her she said that beth's face was swollen and bruised up badly, it was to the point when she couldn't see.
We didn't speak for a month until i apologized, she did in return.
the story my mother told was that i attacked beth and beat the shit out of her. Oddly she left out the part that i was against the wall and they were hitting in return.
That summer i cut my self and attempted suicide six more times.
I burned myself repeatedly on my arm.
My headaches kept me up all night and the dreams kept me sleeping all day. I didn't eat or leave the house except for work, i didn't shower either though i needed it.
Last year was hard, i had asked chris out agin, it wasn't long before he left again. So i asked a friend out, that didn't work i did everything in that relationship even slap so i dumped him. then i found the only reason i went to school was to see mojo. he asked me out or yelled, he was so nervous he couldn't write.
He's perfect, too perfect and i don't want to lose him.
i try to make myself into what he deserves and when i feel horrible about not doing so he says 'Nobody is perfect.' It's his excuse for everything.
he's a year older than i but i'm the more calmer of the two he has his moments though.
Little Vampire is an ex of an ex-friend. She dumped him about four times for another guy mainly and she won't leave me alone, she's bi and i'm her fantacy i guess i was the first she asked and now she asks again.
I was the one to help him through the breakup in more that one way, I feel horrible for what i did to mojo, what i can't give to him but would have has been taken. Little Vampire thought he fell in love with me i told him it was only lust and tried dating again to get dumped. the problem well part of it is that i'm in love him , mojo and i still have feelings for chris. I spent all year telling myself he hated me but in the cemetary the memories came back.

Tam Li Hua · 08-29-2008, 10:14 AM

Twisted: Whoa. Sounds like you've had some rough spots, family-wise. O.o

Thank you for sharing all of that. I'm about to leave work, but I'll -definitely- come back to this when I get home later.

*hugs*

Twisted-mind · 08-29-2008, 10:27 AM

Okay then I'm glad your pleased, I don't more enemies i've had enough

Jaye Jang · 08-29-2008, 10:31 AM

Okay, TwistedMind. You've come to the right place. As my dad used to say regarding the older kids in my family teaching the younger ones, "They have enough 'smart alecks' to teach them, they should be geniuses soon."

Twisted-mind · 08-29-2008, 10:51 AM

i'd probably like your dad, my doesn't say much

gothicusmaximus · 08-29-2008, 10:54 AM

If I were your dad, I think I'd be a little speechless too.

Twisted-mind · 08-29-2008, 10:56 AM

ha ha very funny, look i know i'm fucked up hence the name

LiUsAiDh · 08-29-2008, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twisted-mind

......{insert essay}.......

*Points at Twisted-mind* Counselling is your friend!

.....In other news, I advise you to distance yourself from your family, ignore all the high school-esque boyfriend/ex/crushes etc. it's dumb, and most importantly..... :drum roll:..... don't dwell on the matter!

I mean I know that seems easy to say, but I've had 'issues' and as hard as it seems, it helps. Get some new friends (N.B. I'm not suggesting leaving your old ones) and don't tell them about your past, just try to talk with them about more superficial things, like music or films or something. Maybe join a local evening class? Or some other group or club unrelated to your past. A reading club maybe? I actually think if you posted on here *points at G-net* more, in other sections, about other things it could help. You seem to be letting your past take over your present. I know the past brings us to the present, and guides us, but it doesn't rule over us!

Tam Li Hua · 08-29-2008, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LiUsAiDh

*Points at Twisted-mind* Counselling is your friend!

.....In other news, I advise you to distance yourself from your family, ignore all the high school-esque boyfriend/ex/crushes etc. it's dumb, and most importantly..... :drum roll:..... don't dwell on the matter!

I mean I know that seems easy to say, but I've had 'issues' and as hard as it seems, it helps. Get some new friends (N.B. I'm not suggesting leaving your old ones) and don't tell them about your past, just try to talk with them about more superficial things, like music or films or something. Maybe join a local evening class? Or some other group or club unrelated to your past. A reading club maybe? I actually think if you posted on here *points at G-net* more, in other sections, about other things it could help. You seem to be letting your past take over your present. I know the past brings us to the present, and guides us, but it doesn't rule over us!

All of this is so true. It sounds like you need a good distraction that doesn't have anything to do with the heavy issues surrounding your home life. When I was a teen and was living at home dealing with a bunch of crap, I -really- got into sci-fi books.

These days, I like losing myself in gaming more than anything else.

Find something that takes your mind off things, and also consider the rest of Liu's advice. ^_^

Underwater Ophelia · 08-29-2008, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tam Li Hua

All of this is so true. It sounds like you need a good distraction that doesn't have anything to do with the heavy issues surrounding your home life. When I was a teen and was living at home dealing with a bunch of crap, I -really- got into sci-fi books.

These days, I like losing myself in gaming more than anything else.

Find something that takes your mind off things, and also consider the rest of Liu's advice. ^_^

You mean that time you got really into Goodnight, Moon ?

HumanePain · 08-29-2008, 03:27 PM

After reading this thread I now have a headache.

Tam Li Hua · 08-29-2008, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

You mean that time you got really into Goodnight, Moon ?

Heh heh. You're cute, Ophie. But no, I mean I really got into authors such as Isaac Asimov, Michael Ende, Ray Bradbury, et. al.

I was -really- into The Foundation series, and loved Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451. I liked Ende, because TNS the movie fascinated me as a kid, and I wanted to read the original story.

I also enjoyed his story, Momo.

I remember that the very beginning of Fahrenheit spooked me, because of the virtual room, and because of the whole-body blood transfusion..

[Man! I need to re-read these buggers. It's been so long!]

Underwater Ophelia · 08-29-2008, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tam Li Hua

Heh heh. You're cute, Ophie.

Actually, a more fitting phrase would be "mouth-wateringly sexy," or "pants droppingly hot," or "eye-gougingly and hauntingly beautiful."

But I understand your mistake, seeing as how you're just a simpleton obsessed with the book Goodnight, Moon.

Tam Li Hua · 08-29-2008, 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Actually, a more fitting phrase would be "ridiculously good-looking. *pout*"

Fixed.