Untitled Sex Poem

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

I am pretty proud of this piece and I actually spent quite a bit of time writing, refining and reading it, i'm very happy with it and would like any opinions or comments on it whatsoever.


A crumple in the springs dictates two
about to rumble in the thornless roses
I grip your top and you clasp my bottom
Gaia and Uranus, though mine has fingers in it
I tip my lip right, as if greeting formal
friends, with a charming silliness
Left lid hooding scotoma under pretence
of a playful wink, sets the mood
An upturned collarbone, laced tightly
with silky skin marred only by puberty
A corset of ribs, not tight enough
to hide the signs of man on the flesh
Hips buckled tight and sharp like
the shorts of a bulimic coyote
Corded legs straddle your waist
like the jaw of a hyena on your skull
English amongst the ochre vernacular
leads you to believe in some refinement
A tightly strung whisper is outclassed
by the salivating dragon on your nape
Breath of fire and warmth, from one who seemed
so harsh, like the tips of his porcupine fingers
Social skin discarded in favour of contact sports
like wrestling be it two tongues or torsos
Tectonic shifts bring two impotent caves together,
fever ridden miners breaking through to find gold
Together we make eight but lack the skill
of any spider worth his wits and webbing
I’m going to discover all that I can and
‘venture the depths of low ocean floors and hollows
I see you want to spelunk too, so I pass you a map
and in my hand run you through the well worn track
Being a gentleman, I let you choose the dance we move,
tonight is not one for a Waltz, but rather a twin Tarantella
We muted ourselves all through the night, but as much
as we believe in being polite, the wood gave us away
Early morning giggles come as we did, realising we’re
tighter in nirvana than in our first sinning of desire.

[Tea and Cake or Death]

........I like it. I was kind of writing one like it last night. It's nowhere near as good as yours.

You feel the night chill climb your back.
And then you called me Delilah.
I said I’m more like Lilith I heat,
With a soft sweet flesh like papaya.

You can hide behind your chaste walls,
Or feverishly follow me down.
Longing to feel carnal sensations.
Use the girl beneath the gown,

The moon casts shadowy illustrations.
As silent walls give witness
To Your body alive with sensation
and a concious erased by a kiss.

But heaven isn’t an illusion at all.
And real are the fires of hell.
Now you know a whore’s heart,
and the touch of a Jezebel.

............I really like yours.

[KontanKarite]

Bravo.....

[Underwater Ophelia]

I really don't like it...

It seems like you intend it as a joke.

[HumanePain]

I loved both yours and Tea's! In yours I loved the visual of

"Hips buckled tight and sharp like
the shorts of a bulimic coyote"

Brilliant!

And in Tea's ( I like the way it sounds like "tease") was so romantic! Lustful carnality!
Tasty.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

I really don't like it...

It seems like you intend it as a joke.

I'm interested to know what gave you that idea?

and as for Tea: it sounds goods, my favourite part being the rhyme of the 2nd and 4th line in:

You feel the night chill climb your back.
And then you called me Delilah.
I said I’m more like Lilith I heat,
With a soft sweet flesh like papaya.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Sir Canvas Corpsey

I'm interested to know what gave you that idea?

and as for Tea: it sounds goods, my favourite part being the rhyme of the 2nd and 4th line in:

You feel the night chill climb your back.
And then you called me Delilah.
I said I’m more like Lilith I heat,
With a soft sweet flesh like papaya.

Dude...you made a Uranus reference...

[KontanKarite]

Yeah... Uranus was kinda... ehh...

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

Okay fair enough, that part was intended to be humorous, I wanted to fit in a bit of Greek mythology, since that was what was running through me at the time and the Gaia and Uranus reference sounded good, then I thought I'd chuck in some crass giggle value.

Though the poem as a whole was not intended to be a joke, oh well, different interpretations I suppose (flashback to your love is a card game poem)

[Tea and Cake or Death]

I thought the Uranus part was funny, but meant to be so. But it does not mean the rest of it is crap. Like a joke in the middle of a dramatic movie. Why can't there be both humor and seriousness?

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Tea and Cake or Death

I thought the Uranus part was funny, but meant to be so. But it does not mean the rest of it is crap. Like a joke in the middle of a dramatic movie. Why can't there be both humor and seriousness?

There can be, but I honestly didn't think the rest of it was that strong.

[Gawd]

Ha. I didn't even notice the Uranus part as crude humor, but now that I re-read it, that's pretty brilliant.

[blackwater1110]

+5 charisma for insane originality/creativity. Agreed with Humane on the coyote line, awesome metaphor, including the jaws of a hyena right after. You really established an 'un-pioneered frontier' motif with all of the animals and wild west sort of imagery, but not in a hokey way. I liked the Uranus thing, despite it relying on an incorrect pronunciation and belonging to a 4th grader's joke arsenal. Freaking awesome. I get more from it every time I read it.

[Disaffected Shoelaces]

I pretty much second everything Blackwater just said. I loved it.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

Thankyou all, though it seems this poem ran the creative pool dry for a while, I will consider all that was said and not said when I write my next piece by it poetry, prose or play.