I seem to be on a bit of a writing spree don't I?

[Dancing_in_rain]

A poem this time...

Euthanasia

The agony of life is stilled,
Numbed and then ended.
I drift away from this world,
Far off into my own mind,
Distant from all humans.

My dreams play god,
Allowing me to hide.
Letting me forget,
Though so briefly,
The pain of a broken heart

The world is monochromatic,
Yet I dream in colour.
I see the silver lining.
I feel the beauty that could be,
The better world of my reveries.

An unreal and infernal mayhem,
Life seems nothing but a nightmare,
The tangible proof that I am collapsing.
In desperation, tearing out my hair,
I turn to dreams, my asylum.

If my hopes are shattered,
If you pierce my golden cloud,
You are crippling me,
Removing my only hope,
Preventing me from surviving.

I dream of love,
I dream of peace,
I dream of ambition,
I dream of freedom,
And my dreams are euthanasia.



Thoughts? Comments?

[Blood blossoms]

It's not exactly my style, but I like it. There were a number of lines I stopped to smile at, like "my dreams play god" (is the lack of capitilization there a coincidence, or is it intentional?) and "and my dreams are euthanasia." Those are powerful lines, lines with worlds in them. The last line suggests that you're holding onto a false but beautiful hope that will lead you to nowhere but your downfall eventually, which is a sudden departure from the rest of the poem. Very cool and ironic transition, indeed.

A few crits, though: parts of the poem seemed repetitive. I think you could remove the fifth stanza altogether.

Keep writing.

[Vyvian Blackthorne]

Good descriptions. I like.

Goth Forever

[Aaroneet]

Funny, I tried to write about a similar topic, but this was worlds better.

[Dancing_in_rain]

Blood blossoms, I was thinking more or less the same thing about the fifth stanza. When I originally wrote this, it was for a poetry competition and my English teacher wanted us to have six stanzas. About the capitalization (or rather, its absence) , it was a mix of things. I was trying to convey not contempt about God and religion but rather, the fact that for many, anything can become a god. I don't think I've explained that very well but maybe you see what I mean?

Thanks for the comments my dears. I really like hearing what others think.

[Mookie Lugubrious]

I really liked that poem. Both as a whole and certain individual lines stuck out including the aforementioned 'my dreams play god' because of its ambiguity. The one line has so many complicated possibilities and its very small. Is god in this sense like a piano, an instrument subjected to the whims of your dreams, or is it a playful act of being god for a bit. As writers we create. The World:God::Poems:Us so in a sense we do play that role, in our dreams, on the page. Anyway, I like the fact that both possibilities are present in a single line. Sometimes its necessary to cut one possibility for the other, sometimes its necessary to add more variability to a line. In the end its all up to you. It's a matter of what you want the poem to evoke.

For my part, it reminded me of the Yates poem, The Lake Isle of Innisfree. Yates is an interesting writer who belonged to an elite clique of magi under the name the Order of the Golden Dawn, which you might familiar with, Aleister Crowley was a member before getting booted and forming the OTO.

Since suggestions are offensive, I won't offer any unless asked. But usually they boil down to these three things anyway:

(1) read as much as you write
(2) challenge yourself by constantly reinventing yourself. be in a constant state of becoming. don't get stuck in one thing only.
(3) when you come across general rules of writing, figure out creative ways to break them, or exceptions where they don't apply.

This is the sort of stuff that I believe has worked for me, so I pass it on. I assure you I'm not trying to turn you into my reflection. But on the other hand, if everything I read was written just the way I like it my world would in fact be happier. I would frolic more.

[Blood blossoms]

Originally Posted by Dancing_in_rain

Blood blossoms, I was thinking more or less the same thing about the fifth stanza. When I originally wrote this, it was for a poetry competition and my English teacher wanted us to have six stanzas. About the capitalization (or rather, its absence) , it was a mix of things. I was trying to convey not contempt about God and religion but rather, the fact that for many, anything can become a god. I don't think I've explained that very well but maybe you see what I mean?

Thanks for the comments my dears. I really like hearing what others think.

Ah. I actually got the idea that this was supposed to be a fixed number of lines and stanzas, as each stanza had five lines (a quintet? I'm forgetting my terminology. I'm getting to be an old teenager. :P). I think you could strengthen the piece by doing a rework of it with as many lines as you wish/need.

About god: I think I see what you mean. You're saying that for many people, things that are clearly not "God" can still take on godlike qualities and become like little gods to us, in this case your mind? I agree with that, and it can go beyond things merely taking on godlike qualities. It could suggest that there is an inherent "god-ness" in everything.

Sorry if I was getting too philosophical there. :P I tend to do that....

[Dancing_in_rain]

Originally Posted by Mookie Lugubrious

Since suggestions are offensive, I won't offer any unless asked.

Suggestions are certainly not offensive for me! If it's constructive, please, feel free!

Blood blossoms, you got what I was trying to say about god/God. You genius child. You understood my messed up explanations! *applauds*

[Blood blossoms]

Originally Posted by Dancing_in_rain

Blood blossoms, you got what I was trying to say about god/God. You genius child. You understood my messed up explanations! *applauds*

Yay! *bows*

Now, do I get a great prize, or what?

[Dancing_in_rain]

*hands over a cookie*
Shhh! Don't tell anyone or they'll all want one too!

[Blood blossoms]

*whispers* Chocolate chip. Awesomeness.

*sees other Gnet members flocking to cookie jar*

I think we've been discovered....

[Dancing_in_rain]

I told you not to be too loud! For shame. Now there won't be any left for me. *pouts*

[Blood blossoms]

*sadly gives back un-eaten cookie, then flees from Gnet mob*